Hoovering: what it is, how it affects relationships, and signs to detect it

Hoovering consists of a way of acting that a type of person shows with the purpose of managing to manipulate her ex-partner to re-establish a relationship.

It can be difficult to notice or act correctly in the face of this type of action, but there are some signs, that can help us to realize that we are being victims of hoovering and thus avoid falling into trap.

In this article we will talk about hoovering, seeing what kind of subjects usually do it and how to detect when we are being hoovered.

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What is hoovering?

Hoovering is an English term that comes from hoover, a well-known brand of vacuum cleaners. Well, "hoovering" would refer to the action of aspiring or attracting someone with the purpose of restarting a toxic relationship. In other words, the person hoovering tries to get her ex-partner back to be with her again and establish a toxic relationship again.

The way to get back in touch frequently, given the facilities we currently have for get in touch, usually by means of a message using communication applications or networks social. In this way, our ex-partner will seek to establish contact with us again, regardless of the time that has passed and without there being an apparent explanation. It is usually someone with whom we lost contact and reappears unexpectedly.

We must also point out that the way they usually use to recover the other person is usually showing remorse for what happened or how they behaved. That is, they feel guilty about how the relationship ended. But really what hides this type of action is a regret that is not real, there is no intention to make a change or improvement, they intend to recover the couple to start the toxic relationship again. For this reason, it is important to assess what our relationship was like in order to keep in mind how it is likely to develop again.

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How are the subjects trying to hoover?

Although hoovering can be done by anyone, it is the narcissistic subjects who show the greatest tendency to behave in this way. These individuals have characteristic features, which if they meet the criteria, we can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder, which is a type of mental disorder. Thus we observe that they are subjects with a high self-esteem, thoughts of greatness, of being the best, they believe they are more special than others.

The relationship with others is not adequate, they manipulate and take advantage of them, they seek and demand admiration of the others, they express that the other subjects envy them when really they are the ones who envy the the rest. Their lack of empathy is also characteristic, they are not able to put themselves in the other's place and understand how they may feel.

They only think of themselves. For this reason, linked to the hoovering action, they often have toxic relationships, of jealousy, very demanding with their partner, always more concerned about themselves than about the other person.

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What signs are indicators of hoovering?

Now that we know better what the hoovening action consists of, we will mention some signs that may be indicative that it is taking place. It is important to identify it in order to prevent starting a toxic relationship again, since the results of This type of relationship can be very negative for the subjects that form it and seriously affect their health mental. As we have already said, a first indicator that we must assess is how our previous relationship was, since if we are aware that it was toxic, it is likely that it will be again.

1. Act like the breakup never happened

As we have already mentioned, it is characteristic that the subjects who perform hoovering reappear without warning and after spending some time without speaking or knowing anything about them. Suddenly they write to us or contact us as if nothing had happened. They act like we're still together, such as congratulating us on an important celebration. This way of returning catches us off guard.

On the other hand, by acting in a positive way, sensing good intentions, it is easy for them to confuse us and respond to their message, thus giving rise to establishing contact again.

2. He behaves as if he feels guilty

Another common way of acting is to present yourself as guilty and sorry for what happened. They know that if they express that they are sorry, they are likely to convince us in order to get back together. But really this "forgiveness" is not sincere and does not show intention to change. If we compare the current attitude with his behavior during our relationship and we see that he surprises us, that he had never shown remorse before, it can be another indicator of possible hoovering.

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3. He only tells you nice things

As we have seen, his only intention is to win you back, "suck you up" and draw you back to him. For this reason, they will only express good, beautiful things to us, telling us what they like and what they love us. An already mentioned trait of narcissists is that they do not love anyone but themselves; therefore, these expressions of love, they only use them to get you to fall into their nets, without having the purpose of trying to make us happy.

4. Gives gifts without apparent justification

In the same way that we unexpectedly receive a message from him, he can also send us a gift, which can sometimes be something personal, thus managing to manipulate us and make us feel that we must return the positive behavior that he is having with us, that we are indebted to him. Really, what he achieves is putting us in the commitment to act or respond well, if we don't want to seem like bad people. In the same way that he is playing with our emotions to get what he wants.

5. remember the good times

Continuing with the dynamic of trying to produce positive and pleasant thoughts and sensations, it will remember and communicate to us the moments positive things that we live, the good things in the relationship, because even the bad, such as toxic relationships, have some memory positive. In this way, added to other behaviors already mentioned, it is easy to generate in us a greater predisposition to disregard the negative and begin to miss being together.

6. He makes a lot of promises

Another change that we can observe regarding his old attitude or behavior is that he begins to promise us things that before nor did he consider making, even choosing those promises that he knows are going to move us the most and stir our hearts. feelings.

A "weapon" in his favor is that he knows us and knows what to tell us or propose to us so that we return with him. We must also take advantage of this knowledge that we have from past experience to realize that his behavior is not real and thus avoid falling into the trap.

7. Communicate with people close to you

In order to get closer to you again, they will try to get in touch with a person from your close circle, such as friends or family, so that they can tell you that they saw it and that they spoke well of you. This is a way to contact us to get our attention, but without doing it directly, so if we refuse to talk to him again he won't feel so bad nor will his ego feel so damaged.

8. Expresses that he is in a bad moment

Communicating that you have problems, that you have had an accident, that you are not well, generates in us the obligation or commitment to help you. We see again how he makes use of emotional manipulation again, play with our feelings to get us back. He may not express to us that he needs help, but his role as a victim is intended for us to end up helping him.

9. He is "excessively" interested in you

Getting attention is not bad, but when this attention comes from someone with whom we do not have much relationship or have not communicated for a long time and we receive it excessively, it can indicate that she is interested in getting something. For example, currently a way to communicate or show attention is through social networks, if we see that we "like" all our publications, write us comments and respond to our "stories" may be indicative that you intend to recover the relationship and contact again with us.

10. Express your pain if you don't come back

In the same way, that you can take on the role of victim, as we have already said, expressing that you are in a moment of crisis or that you are not feeling well. You can also play the victim telling us that he couldn't stand us rejecting him or we weren't with him, that he might do something crazy. With this behavior he will try to make us feel guilty and bad people if we say no.