What can lead a person who is in a relationship to be unfaithful?

Many times infidelity is talked about referring to the "way of being" of people, as if by their identity, their essence, they were predestined to cheat on their partners. However, decades of research in the field of psychology show that the context and the ways in which we learn to relate to others are fundamental in the appearance of infidelity in marriages and courtships.

Considering this... What causes a person involved in a relationship to end up being unfaithful? Here we will delve into this topic by reviewing the most common causes.

• Related article: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

Infidelity usually has relational causes

There are many people who have been unfaithful and who, if they could go back, they would not be; They regret a lot about what happened and everything in their behavior shows that they do not feel represented by that way of behaving. In such cases, it is worth asking how it is possible for a person to harm one of the most important relationships. events in your life through an action (or series of actions) that you can't even explain rationally.

Of course, in some cases the main cause behind infidelity has to do with markedly antisocial personality traits; This is what happens in individuals with serious difficulties to empathize and who only think of others as means with which to achieve material objectives or generators of immediate pleasure. However, most people are not like that, but that does not prevent infidelity from being a very frequent reality that is estimated to affect approximately one third of relationships of couple.

So... What is it that makes people who are initially "normal" and with the capacity to love and be good to others commit these actions? The explanation is not in their personality or their inherent characteristics, but in the relationship dynamics with their partners; the type of processes that can be approached from couples therapy based on the systemic perspective.

• You may be interested in: "Marriage crises: 5 keys to understanding them"

What makes people commit infidelities?

There are many reasons why a person may be unfaithful, it may even happen that they don't care hurt your partner or do not have the courage to leave the partner first and then have other relations. However, in many cases, infidelity takes place in relationships that are not damaged from the root, and are committed by individuals who go on to suffer marital crises due to habits of coexistence and communicative routines that are problematic, despite the fact that they are seen as something "normal" or details that apparently do not matter. Here you will find a summary of these causes that have to do with the context in which people live.

1. Lack of communication

It seems silly, but something as important as infidelity can happen because of a misunderstanding. Because certain topics related to sexuality are somewhat taboo even among long-term couples, it is frequent that there are no conversations about where to put the limit between what is considered breaking the engagement and what is not.

2. Tendency to self-sabotage due to attachment style

Attachment is the way in which we learn to bond with others from our childhood, when we have our fathers, mothers or main caregivers as main references in the family context. For example, it is not the same to approach personal relationships from the fear of abandonment than to do it from curiosity to meet people, or from expectation to suffer disappointment when meeting people new.

There are people who are very insecure because of their avoidant or anxious attachment style. and that, when faced with a bond as intimate as a couple, they may have trouble managing their fears about the future, about what they can or cannot expect from that person they love. In many cases, they end up boycotting that relationship, committing infidelity for fear of commitment and the possibility of being in an alienating marriage. and unsatisfactory (if they have developed avoidant attachment), or by feeling emotionally and physically abandoned (if they have developed anxious). In both cases, infidelity is a way to mitigate in a dysfunctional way the anguish and fear of unwanted loneliness.

3. Poorly managed mistrust

In some couple relationships, a certain predisposition to distrust (generated by jealousy or any other aspect linked to the way of managing emotions) can lead people to adopt a passive-aggressive attitude and to “retaliate” of the other person committing infidelity, assuming that the other has done the same thing before. It is a way of dealing with conflicts without having to really face them, and that only seeks to eliminate the feeling of being a victim of infidelity.

4. life crises

When the cause falls into this category, it has to do with difficulties in coping with a new life cycle including our partner in the efforts to face together this type of crisis.

Some of them are vital family crises. Examples of this kind of experience are couple crises triggered by a lack of resources and/or experience to adapt to the need to raise and care for a young child or a child of age Teen; the empty nest crises that occur when the children become independent and an existential vacuum arises when leaving aside the role of caregiver, etc.

For his part, vital individual crises They are, for example, the lack of references on what to do when losing the job in which one has been working for many years; the feeling of not being prepared for an upcoming fatherhood or motherhood; a migration to a country very different from the one we know and in which we have grown up; that someone very important dies, etc.

Looking for couples therapy services?

Once we understand what is behind infidelity, it is much easier to repair the damage done and restore balance in a relationship. In this sense, if you want to start a process of couples therapy, contact me.

My name is Blanca Ruiz Muzquiz and I am a psychologist with extensive experience as a psychotherapist for families and couples, intervening from a systemic perspective.