Couple discussions: how to manage them from your personal learning

Couple arguments are one of the most exhausting experiences of our lives. In any kind of relationship, arguments stem from anger, disappointment, or insecurity, they wear you down and lead to discouragement. In couple or family relationships they make us feel especially vulnerable, since they are very close ties and where we share not only well-being, but also personal identity. What drives people to argue so much? Can discussions be managed? How to stop them?

One of the biggest mistakes we make with arguments is believing that they are inevitable. We think that the discussions come because the other is unfair (a value judgment towards the other), because we lose control, due to incompatibilities or because we feel disappointed or attacked. But these are actually interpretations that prevent us from delving into the problem.

Arguments are really avoidable, but to do so, you must first delve into why they happen and what needs to change in you (we cannot control the other person) so that they stop happening.

That's what all personal change is about: learning about you, getting to know you, and applying the necessary changes so that this unpleasant situation ends forever. That is what we are going to see in this article: why arguments occur, what is the underlying psychological problem, and how can we manage that root and prevent it.

This problem is very frequent not only in our daily life but also in psychological consultation. In cases where I assist people in their change processes as a psychologist and coach where they have this problem, we discover that the difficulty is not really in the discussions, but in what the motivates. We are going to try today that the first step of that process of change for you is reading this article. Let's go for it!

• Related article: "Assertiveness: 5 basic habits to improve communication"

The origin of the discussions

Every argument appears because of an episode of anger. Anger is an unpleasant and above all active emotion, since it implies great energy on your part and mobilizes you to act. Anger leads us to raise our hands, move quickly, increase the volume of our voice and be in a defensive position or even go on the attack (with ironies, accusations, reprimands, etc.).

The mere fact of letting ourselves be carried away by anger makes us feel that we are right, that what we think is just what happens... but our emotion is the result of what you interpret to be happening, not reality.

Anger always arises for a simple reason: you don't like something that has happened and you want to change it. In turn, the fact that you want to change what happens (or take action against the other person, which is why we argue) implies that you want to be in control. And wanting to be in control, in a deeper way, is related to the fear of losing control.

We feel anger because we are afraid of feeling vulnerable. Anger is a form of active fear. When situations get out of your control because the other person acts in a way that makes you feel insecure or vulnerable, anger appears as a control system. But it rarely works. Anger only causes arguments, more and more arguments, and ends up being a behavior and way of frequent relationship that vitiates these relationships, wears them out and on many occasions makes them end.

In the couple is where they occur more frequently. Why?

• You may be interested: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

Anger and arguments in the context of the couple

In a couple relationship we experience well-being, an intimate bond, we dissolve in the other, and through from that union we share a well-being that never depends 100% on you, since there are two people involved. For this reason, and as the relationship progresses, fears, insecurities, mechanisms arise to try to validate what we believe may happen, expectations and demands. As a result of the need to have control of our relationships (with or without a partner), discussions arise.

Arguments are never helpful. The useful thing is to learn to establish a clear limit when you do not want to receive a certain type of behavior (which can also be verbal). Boundaries help you communicate what you want, what you don't, what you can, what you can't, etc. Limits are necessary, but Arguments are usually a consequence of precisely not knowing how to set limits on time. (in addition to not knowing how to understand and manage our fears and insecurities).

Every type of conflict or discussion arises then for a basic reason: a difficulty in understanding and manage what you feel, which in turn conditions what you interpret and finally your behavior. These types of emotions (fear, insecurity, anger, frustration, also guilt) can be very sticky and condition our relationships, damaging them. How to get out of the vicious circle?

I am going to give you 5 keys that represent a process of personal change for you. It is essential to work with each of these steps so that the problem is left behind, and not only stop arguing, but reduce the intensity, frequency, and duration of the anger, with which you will gain quality of life, calm, acceptance and security.

• Related article: "The 16 keys to learn to manage anger in ourselves"

The necessary change (to stop arguing)

We cannot control relationships, nor the other. But you can learn to understand and manage what you feel, how you value it, how you approach your relationships, what leads you to argue, in such a way that change occurs in you and live with more peace and acceptance, in order to be able to live your relationships calmly and with a greater degree of awareness (from there, you will be able to make decisions adequate). There are five basic steps.

Before seeing them, remember that in Human Empowerment you have the possibility to schedule a first exploratory session with me (you can also access it from my author profile in psychology and mind). In this session, which we can have through Whatsapp, we will be able to get to know each other, delve into your problem, find a solution and see how I can accompany you in your process and that you get the change you need by 100%. Important: it is a real psychological consultation, so it is important that you really want to solve what is happening to you.

First: understand what you feel

Human beings tend to react automatically in relation to what we feel. Nevertheless, our emotions are a result of what you have interpreted, of how we understand situations, and above all, of how we manage them (always from our behavior). When we begin to better understand what your emotions want to tell you, you can see situations with greater openness, which softens the anger and the argument does not come.

• You may be interested: "Self-knowledge: definition and 8 tips to improve it"

Second: learn to manage it

Learning to understand and manage your emotions is a change that will serve you for your entire life, not just for now or for your relationships.. However, the way to manage your emotions is not through a thoughtful process or course, but through your own actions. Our behaviors are what manage emotions so that they are more intense, frequent or lasting. Learning to manage your emotions will help you generate more acceptance, security, calm and confidence. This is what we learn in a process of personal change, since all change always occurs from emotion (we are emotional beings and they condition us in everything we do and think).

Third: work with your communication

Our way of communicating (if it is more imperative, opaque, inclusive, etc.) generates difficulties when connecting with the other, and hence more discussions arise. In turn, your communication is a form of verbal action, which affects certain emotions and revalues ​​them. A change in this part will generate a different sensation that, gradually, will help you manage what you feel.

• Related article: "The 5 Communication Barriers, Explained"

Fourth: revalue your concept of a couple

Couple relationships are very subjective, while we live in a globalized world, where we are sold an ideal romantic relationship that is not realistic. When you delve into what a partner means to you, you can discover a lot and get to know yourself better.. From where do you build your relationships? From trust or from the need for security?

Fifth: Set limits (both personal and the other)

Setting clear boundaries helps us prevent arguments. But these limits should not only be for the other, but also for you (in relation to what you can address or not, solve, etc.). When we don't set limits we feel much more exhausted and discussions have a more unpleasant effect.

The process goes beyond

These five steps are part of a much deeper process of change, and at the same time practical, with which you can stop arguing forever (not getting angry, since this is natural, but let it be an anger that does not influence you so much). I send you a lot of encouragement, enthusiasm and commitment to that change. Remember that in Human Empowerment you have the option to take the first step.

Thanks for thinking of you, Rubén Camacho.