In a Relationship: Do you chase or avoid?

Usually in our relationships we do the best we can. And yet, especially with our partner, there are times when we argue because we think different or we feel that the other person does not understand us, does not accept us or does not love us as we are.

When this is repeated over and over again over time, we find ourselves repeating the same discussion in different situations, doing and saying the same things over and over and over again. This hurts us, makes us feel bad, takes us away from the person we love, and we react in the same way to protect ourselves and protest the disconnection.

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples We understand that this action tendency that is repeated in each person of the couple creates a negative cycle in which each one can express themselves from two main positions: avoid and pursue.

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Dynamics of avoidance and persecution in couple arguments

The repetition of the behaviors that we usually have as a couple, especially in times of crisis, have a reason for being:

they are always associated with how we feel and what we think of both our partners and ourselves. "I behave like this because it's my way of protecting myself against what I feel." Our behavior activates a reaction on the part of the other person, who also wants to defend himself.

In this way, these behavior patterns become automatic and are activated every time a conflict appears. Unfortunately, this way of interacting in order to protect ourselves often results in a greater disconnection from the other person.

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A dysfunctional conflict management dynamic

In the TFE for couples, one of the repetitive negative cycles in a couple is the avoid-pursue. It occurs when one of the partners wants to talk and reconnect (persecutor) while the other wants to leave it and withdraw from the discussion (avoider).

In this article we will focus on the person who chases, in a second part on the person who avoids, and in the next on the importance of the interaction of both.

Usually, the people who are called persecutors in TFE are individuals who feel lonely, sad, hurt. They are afraid of being rejected and of not being important to the other.

These emotions that they feel inside are activated during the conflict or argument, and therefore they insist, demand, criticize, blame, demand and can seem hostile, because they get angry openly, they fight. Their partners may describe them as intense, nagging, aggressive, or ruthless in their arguments and manners because they seek resources to "fix" the situation.

These actions are usually carried out in order to maintain the interaction because that way they feel that they can do something to recover and not lose the connection. They need to feel heard and understood by their partner and they need to fight and do something to save the situation (and the relationship); for this reason they can be activated when their partner wants to withdraw.

They are often people who fear being abandoned by her partner because they feel unimportant to her.. According to John Bowlby, this way of behaving are desperate cries to receive attention, love and care; what they need is to feel important, loved and to be a priority for their partner.

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How do you intervene in therapy in the face of these problems?

During the TFE therapy process, we always work to decriminalize behaviors when it comes to understand the negative cycle and the position of each person in the couple within it.

The goal first is to help both partners see their behavior and the impact it has on the other person. It is assumed that the actions of each person are activated by the actions of the other, and in both cases they always have a basic vulnerable emotion.

In this way, the goal with a person in the position of chasing is that during the process she becomes aware of her emotions and her fears and can share them with her partner in the safe space of the session, in a different way, calmer, more vulnerable.

We are emotional beings, when we find the person we love and start a shared life, it begins - as Sue would say Johnson- a dance and “this dance, the moving in and out of connection, is a normal process and part of all relationships healthy”. The TFE accompanies the couple in their dance, to the rhythm of the person who is chasing and also to the rhythm of the person who is avoiding: It is essential to listen to both, so we co-create a safe path back to each other.