Emotional dependence: what do we know from neurobiology?

It has caught my attention lately that some patients present me with reasons for consultation such as: “I don't want to care about the others, I don't want to need anyone else”.

Inquiring more about their reasons for consultation, I have noticed that they have the expectation that a healthy person can solve difficult times and move all alone. When I have asked them where they learned this, they have told me that it is common to see content on social networks (self-help accounts) with messages that transmit the value of self-sufficiency, positioning it as the pinnacle of mental health and inner strength (and attributing seeking help and/or companionship to being fragile).

I am concerned that some have tried to build their self-image by trying to achieve this social ideal of self-sufficiency, but... How healthy is it to follow that path? What do we know about emotional dependence?

• Related article: "Emotional psychology: main theories of emotion"

The myth of complete emotional self-sufficiency

In the late sixties, John Bowlby presented Attachment Theory, a theory that holds that brain development depends mainly on the stimulation of caregivers in early childhood.

Attachment is a characteristic characteristic of mammals and, as Bowlby showed, from an evolutionary framework, the Attachment System has the purpose of guarantee the creation of affective ties in human offspring, so that they have a protective figure that guarantees their care and safety, and thus survive.

It is a neurophysiological system (we could say that it is "wired in our brain") that programs us from birth to choose a particular person from our environment, and turn him into someone valuable, through a bond of dependence.

• You may be interested: "The 9 Types of Affection (and Their Characteristics)"

The keys to attachment

The sustained interactions with this person (primary attachment figure) build a unique type of affective communication, which creates emotional states. shared mental processes that allow us to modulate our physiological (for example, hunger, sleep) and emotional (for example, fear, sleep) processes. frustration). The latter is what we know as emotional regulation.

We are not born knowing how to calm ourselves, so it takes someone else to help calm us down. from affective contact (this is why a baby has signals -such as crying- so that the adult comes to help you). When this fails, it is when attachment wounds and emotional dysregulation occur.

That is what attachment in childhood is all about: through experience we learn who we count on, and what the response of those people will be; we can learn to resort, and also learn not to resort.

Due to the efficiency of our mental energy, we tend to generalize this learning, building beliefs about the world, about ourselves and of others: how safe we ​​feel in the world, how trustworthy others are, how much we can count on one another, how much we deserve it, etc. This set of beliefs is called Internal Operating Model. This model, derived from the Attachment System, tends to remain stable over time, so depending on how we have related to our attachment figure in childhood, we will relate to the people we choose to bond with in life. adulthood.

• Related article: "The 6 stages of childhood (physical and mental development)"

The importance of bonding in healthy-dependence

In childhood, when we become attached to someone, and they respond to our needs, we have a secure base. In quiet moments, this secure base is a platform from which we can venture out to explore. In adulthood, this manifests itself when we know that we have people who are going to be there, who we can turn to if something goes wrong.

In fact, the dependency paradox it tells us that when we depend healthily, we have a greater capacity to be autonomous; knowing that we have someone else in case we need it, gives us the courage and drive to take risks or undertake projects.

Contrary to what many self-help and/or mental health accounts say on social networks, dependency is healthy, it is desirable. We are not self-sufficient, neither as children nor as adults. Dependency changes throughout the life cycle, but it does not evolve, we will always depend on others. The difference between adulthood and childhood is that the dependency (the link) is not vertical, but horizontal.

Dependence becomes unhealthy when the verticality typical of early bonds is perpetuated. Mutual and horizontal dependence is healthy, and it is a requirement to build a secure bond. People who are not willing to depend on another will not be able to build healthy bonds.

In the field of neurobiology of human attachment, there are investigations that have concluded that attachment is supported by neurobiological systems that are formed in our early bonds with primary caregivers (Ruth Feldmann). When we grow up, the same neurobiological systems operate (The Attachment System is reactivated) and this will be the sustenance of future human bonds (friendships, couple relationships, etc).

The bonds we experience throughout our lives are transformative, and when they are healthy, they have the potential to repair the damage of those negative relationships we have had, and the damage caused by social isolation.

Taking into account the above, what we see in some social media accounts that promote self-sufficiency to achieve good health Mentally, it is an illusion, and a very harmful one, because it does not allow us to bond and imposes on us the burden of having to get ahead on our own. This will inevitably lead us down a path of constant frustration, since, as much as we want and try hard to get out of everything alone, we are neurobiologically programmed to develop together with significant others, and there find part of the emotional regulation that on so many occasions, we need.