How does the relationship with the parents affect the couple's relationships?

Sentimental relationships often present difficulties of all kinds, and some of them are not even They do not even arise within the coexistence between the two, but in their relationship with their parents and inlaws. This can occur both due to inadequate communication dynamics with them, and, in some cases, for the management of the memories of events that occurred years ago, before that relationship existed.

For this reason, expert psychologists in both the couple and the family spheres have studied the subject in depth and have defined How does the relationship with parents and/or in-laws affect relationships?. In this way, intervention strategies have been developed for couples therapy and family therapy.

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How do parents and in-laws influence relationships?

In the field of the relationship between couples and their parents or in-laws, problems of all kinds can also arise that affect the relationship between both generations and generate all kinds of psychological discomfort for both parts.

1. Model and reference

Having a close relationship with our parents and even with our in-laws can predispose us to learn, unconsciously or semi-consciously, about what relationships consist of. That is we have them as one of our main references when understanding what love as a couple is, what marriages are like, etc. We use that information to learn what kind of problems our own relationship may bring us in the future and try to be prepared to overcome them successfully.

And that leads us to acquire values ​​or knowledge of all kinds that can help us have an equally lasting relationship... or they can play against us if they don't fit with reality.

Look at the relationship time that our elders have, as long as this is a healthy relationship based on love and understanding, It will also make it easier for us to create a personal and affective bond with the people we take as an example, whether they are our parents or our inlaws.

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2. Seek constant approval

Although most people have an interest in having parental or in-law approval, there are cases where for whom this search becomes an obsession or exerts too much pressure on the son or son-in-law in question.

This pressure occurs when someone wants to fit into the role of the perfect son-in-law/daughter-in-law. to win the respect and approval of the in-laws, but sometimes these are usually very demanding and it becomes an arduous task.

In order that this search for approval does not affect the person's mental health, it is recommended not to become too obsessed with the subject, be oneself and try to fit naturally and without pressure with the new political family.

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3. Guilty feeling

Depending on the type of relationship we have had with our parents since childhood, we can come to harboring feelings of guilt, for example, by moving in with our partner and leaving the family home of the childhood.

This feeling can develop from thinking that we are abandoning our parents or believing that we are being ungrateful to them.

Any of these negative feelings when leaving our parents' house is perfectly normal, the problem arises when these do not stop and are persistent over time, at which time it is recommended to go to the consultation of a psychologist.

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4. Difficulty setting limits

Some people have certain difficulties in setting limits on their parents or in-laws in any area or setting of daily life. This difficulty may consist, for example, in say “no” to both in-laws and parents when they try to organize weekend outings together, invitations to dinner or joint activities of all kinds.

This lack of skills to confront or set limits may be due to the relationship model they have with parents or in-laws or to a type of upbringing that is too strict on the part of the first in the childhood.

In addition to that, it is also common to have difficulty saying "no" when parents or in-laws impose certain parenting modalities on their grandchildren, with which the parents may not agree. agreement.

When faced with these types of problems, it is essential to train assertiveness., a social skill that can be enhanced in psychotherapy and that consists of knowing how to defend our interests from respect for the other, but without giving in to the fear of making the interlocutor uncomfortable or sad for having said something that, although controversial or emotionally painful, should be saying.

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5. meddling

This type of imposition and interference by parents or in-laws usually appears in the field of upbringing of their grandchildren, but they are not limited only to that level, but often transcends any area of coexistence.

The intrusions that parents and in-laws can exert on their children and sons-in-law/daughters-in-law can occur in the domestic sphere (impose cleaning or cooking habits), in the social (judging the couple's friendships) or in the personal (judging any initiative, behavior or thing that the couple or one of the members in particular).

6. Coexistence problems

When a couple lives with their peers and/or in-laws, it is common for certain problems of coexistence to arise related to all the negative aspects mentioned above.

These daily problems that arise in the domestic sphere can have multiple causes and their overcoming involves solving them in a civilized manner, yielding by all for the benefit of the common good or by the cessation of coexistence, when this is already unsustainable.

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7. toxic behaviors

The negative or toxic behaviors that a person may have with their parents, is often transferred to their relationship as a couple, following the same harmful patterns and behaviors.

This phenomenon occurs mainly in cases of mistreatment or abuse towards the father or mother, something that is repeated when the person enters into a formal sentimental relationship and ends up exercising the same mistreatment or abuse towards their partner.

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