Bad Boy Syndrome: Why Do I Fall For The Wrong Person?

On many occasions, the media focus on spectacular cases of criminals who, apparently for the sake of being, they gain a generous amount of fans and romantically interested people in them. The best known case is that of Ted Bundy, a serial killer who became famous both for the media coverage of his trial and for his charisma, to the point that several women tried to get in touch with him, siding with him and trying to strike up a relationship of him.

This phenomenon is what is known as hibristofilia: the psychopathological attraction to very dangerous people with various crimes behind his back, especially those of a violent nature and involving murder, robbery with intimidation, rapes etc

Now, between this problematic trend in sexuality, on the one hand, and "normal" relationships, on the other, there is a rich gray scale. And in those intermediate points it is possible to find those who notice that, although they are not attracted to extremely dangerous people, they do tend to fall at the feet of profiles. problematic: people who lie all the time, who like to be noticed and always be above others, who break the law quite often and without the need to search justifications...

This is what is sometimes called "bad boy syndrome" and occurs especially during adolescence and young adulthood, especially in women. What are the causes of this?

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Causes of bad boy syndrome

Among those who go to a psychologist for emotional problems, it is relatively common to find young people who complain of not finding the right person to start a stable relationship and healthy. Among them, it usually happens that after the initial dazzlement, the headaches of having to deal with someone with little interest in committing arise. taking into account the interests and opinions of someone else, or that directly breaks the rules systematically, as if that were part of his style of life. And in the long run, this generates both practical problems due to the difficulty of living with such a person, as well as discomfort due to the fact of being aware that it is not possible to have the protection and mutual care that is desired when being with someone in a courtship or marriage.

But if the "red flags" and the signs that this person has it very difficult to connect emotionally with others... How do you explain that falling in love arises in the first stage of the relationship? Let's see what are the main causes of bad boy syndrome in relationships.

1. Falling in love is based on idealization

Falling in love is always deeply irrational and based on first impressions, it does not arise from an analysis of the objective information that we have about a person.

Two key psychological elements come into play here: the halo effect and idealization. The halo effect consists of a cognitive bias that leads us to assume that, because we see a positive quality or virtue in a person or entity, that person or entity is full of other positive qualities or virtues and it is these that predominate over the defects. For example, the halo effect is behind the "fan" phenomenon, in which many people admire practically all the facets of a singer solely because of his spectacular presence on the scenery. Thus, the halo effect is very relevant, especially in the first contact, when we do not know someone well and we pull on our imagination to clear up the unknowns about their way of being and behaving, their personality, etc.

On the other hand, idealization leads us to trust only the positive of someone, and to overlook the negative, attributing it in any case to bad luck, the influence of external elements (for example, people who supposedly "provoke" you to show your facet aggressive), etc

Combined, these two ingredients can lead a person to become romantically interested in someone they love. knows little only because he unconsciously fails to pay attention to worrying signs in his way of being.

• You may be interested: "What is the Halo Effect?"

2. The attraction to profiles that stand out

On the other hand, we must not forget that one of the characteristics of people who are rebellious and who break the rules is that in many cases, they attract attention. And in youth, a stage of life in which great importance is attached to the ability to stand out and win admiration or attract attention, this can be interpreted as a characteristic linked to charisma. The stereotype of "bad boy" is someone who is respected by practically everyone because he does not have to make an effort to please others, he sets his own conditions to relate to him.

• Related article: "The 4 types of charisma (and how to apply them to leadership)"

3. The dark triad combination of traits is associated with charm and seduction

The dark triad is a combination of personality traits related to meanness, antisocial behavior, and a predisposition to harm others for one's own benefit. These traits are three: Machiavellianism, in narcissism and psychopathy.

As well; Several studies show that narcissistic people, statistically, tend to be more physically attractive, hypothetically because they care more about their image. And even if we stop taking physical appearance into account, on average, men who score high on the personality traits of the dark triad are somewhat more seductive than the rest of men because of their way of being, their way of speaking, of displaying non-verbal language, etc. It is believed that this is because they are better able to manipulate others through strategies that make them appear charming, because they have it. easier by treating others as objects and by not empathizing with them, they become less nervous and are able to communicate in a more fluid; it is almost as if they act in front of a mirror, without worrying about the image they give.

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My name is Thomas Saint Cecilia and I am a psychologist specialized in the cognitive-behavioral model, from which I intervene in people, teams and companies. I attend in person in Madrid and online through video call.