Competitiveness in the couple: what is it, how to identify it and manage it

Do you feel that your relationship is a constant struggle to win? Do you feel jealous when your partner achieves success? Can't you achieve the same goal and therefore each one does things in their own way? Do you feel that there is a constant challenge between you? You are in the right place, keep reading to obtain knowledge to observe your points to work and tools for it.

Throughout our evolutionary history we learn to be competitive, from the family system, consolidating at school and becoming highly visible in the workplace. But what happens when we feel the constant struggle for power in the couple? How does competitiveness affect our affective relationship? Are we aware of the need to alternate roles? Do you cling to a dominant or submissive character attitude?

Keep reading to identify the competition in your partner, discover the factors and dynamics that reinforce it, discover tools and learn how to manage them to build a healthier relationship.

• Related article: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

What is competitiveness in the couple?

The competition in the couple has very different dynamics from the competition in the world we know. The basis of the couple is sharing, making joint decisions as a team, manage conflict resolution, communicate honestly, and most importantly enjoy common achievements and overcome difficult times together. Many times and without realizing it, we project many shortcomings on the other person, demanding to satisfy a specific need. We believe that our partner has a duty to make us happy and fulfill our wishes.

This demand feels like a great pressure towards the person who we think should satisfy us. When we take for granted the fact that the other person has to make me happy, we focus all our thoughts and actions on the external; a person that makes me happy, a house that fulfills my desire for security, a pet that meets my need for affection, etc. We will never find happiness and satisfaction fully with oneself, and precisely this relational dynamic requiring external factors to satisfy internal needs, is a misguided path towards fullness.

When we understand that happiness begins and ends with oneself, in knowing and accepting ourselves as we are, and understanding that the person we are today is constantly changing and therefore we must have constant self-esteem and self-observation to adapt to the different stages and conflicts of the life. When one is sure of himself, he trusts the course of life and looks for internal factors such as sensations and satisfactions. personal, we begin to understand the couple as someone who decides to be by our side with total freedom and without conditions. Offering what you want at every moment.

• You may be interested: "12 tips to better manage couple arguments"

Identify the aspects that create competition

But, how do I know if my partner has a competitive dynamic? What happens in a couple with high competitiveness? Let's look at some day-to-day signs that can happen in competitive couples.

1. reason or absolute truth

No one has the absolute truth or reason; everything depends on our perception, mood, learning throughout life and values ​​among others. When discussions turn into a battle over who wins, it is a clear sign of competition, since in In these moments we forget the objective of the discussion and we go to the escalation where things are discussed without importance. Many times wanting to be right implies personal shortcomings that make us feel vulnerable and fragile. when we don't have the last word.

• Related article: "How to be more humble: 11 useful tips"

2. emotional intimacy

To share emotional intimacy and strengthen the couple, it is necessary to perceive our partner without threats; as a confidant and not as someone who at any time can turn against you for his own interest. This happens when there are basic values ​​such as trust, security, respect and communication.

To create emotional intimacy you have to open up on an emotional level and in an honest way with your partner.. It is about having enough confidence and certainty that he will respect you to be able to tell him what no one or very few people know about you; your most intimate part.

3. personal achievements and failures

When we feel unconditional love and compassion for the other person, we receive their achievements as a common achievement; that your partner achieves their goals makes them feel better and consequently they can relate more positively to you.

On the other hand, your partner's mistakes or failures are viewed with compassion; understanding the frustration that our partner feels and supporting with passion and understanding to make learning from failures.

• You may be interested: "How to learn from mistakes: 9 effective tips"

4. choose responsibly

Responsibility in the decisions we make in our day to day empowers the person, this feel you have the power to change situations around you. When we take responsibility for wanting to be by someone's side, we are consistent with what arises from the relationship; joys and difficulties. In a couple, everything that happens has its origin in the people that make it up; something does not happen if another does not want it or does not allow it, therefore there is no fault, but responsibility for both parties.

5. accept and thank

When we accept a person as a whole or accept reality as it is and not as we would like it to be, the gratitude begins. Once I accept, everything I receive from the external world and from my partner becomes a gift for which the only thing left is to give thanks. No one is obliged to be or do something as you would like, so if you feel that your partner acts annoying way, ask yourself why it bothers you so much, since it is surely a personal matter that affects you. Then communicate with your partner so that he is aware that something specific bothers you, even if it is not his responsibility, but yours to discover why you dislike him.

• Related article: "Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): principles and characteristics"

Manage and work on competitiveness

Now that you know the signs and have seen if you need to work on any of the factors that they make a couple a constant struggle, keep reading to know how to work the points previous.

1. Wanting to always be right has a background of insecurities and lack of recognition

Whenever you feel angry because they do not agree with you, stop and ask yourself: “What does this feeling remind me of? At what point have I felt without voice or vote that has hurt me enough to continue in this rigid position? How should my partner feel about my behavior?

2. Build emotional intimacy

It is the most key point for a couple to be happy and have a long duration. When we connect with the person and create emotional intimacy, we are working on essential values ​​in the couple that foster a positive bond with our partner; the Union. From a deep conversation, dialogue about the desires and fears of each one, about the projects and dreams, and above all about what the couple we have built brings me, what are our values ​​as a family, etc.

• You may be interested: "9 habits to emotionally connect with someone"

3. achievements and failures

Many times we feel jealous of our partner's achievements, or we feel that their achievements make us feel small. On the other hand, their mistakes or frustrated goals make us angry and we feel that our partner has less value for it. Right now remember that the couple is a team with a single goal; personal and couple well-being.

Sometimes anger or joy arises because we project unfulfilled desires onto our partner; remember that you are different people with spaces to share achievements and mistakes. The worst mistake couples make is wanting to achieve perfection; your individuality as a couple makes you the couple you are today.

4. responsibility of choice

You feel that the events in the couple are out of your hands when you are not aware of the decisions you make. Swapping as a couple requires constant decision-making. The first and most important is the choice of the person with whom you want to share your life. That is why it is important to consciously choose your partner; that the fact of being next to the person is a decision that you make daily and responsibly.

The moment you relate from responsibility you will stop demanding from your partner; demand that they satisfy your desires, demand that they make you feel happy, demand that they do something for you, etc. Your partner is free to do what they want and how they want, just like you. If you need something specific from your partner, do not hesitate to ask for it clearly.

5. accept and thank

Acceptance is necessary in order not to conflict with the present reality and our expectations. Reflect on your emotional relationship; aspects of your partner's personality, couple communication dynamics, roles at home, fears and desires, future projects, etc. Now make a list of what you like about your partner and what bothers you or would like to change.

For what you like, see point by point and repeat "I appreciate (for example the perseverance) that my partner shows and it does me so much good. Thank you". For what you are not so comfortable with or that bothers you, read point by point and repeat "I accept (for example) the irritability that my partner shows and it does him so much harm. With love". There will be aspects that bother you and you simply put the limit of not allowing it anymore. Ask yourself how I feel and how I can communicate it to my partner to find a solution or a way to manage it, and if it is necessary to go to a psychologist.

conclusion

When we know our own vulnerabilities and those of the other person, understanding, acceptance and love arise, but never competition.. Remember that it always helps to be aware that we decide to stay by our partner's side every day, that we are a team with the sole objective of understanding each other and sharing well-being.

In this way, everything that arises in the couple is a gift; be it an opportunity to strengthen the relationship or a moment for enjoyment. The success and management of the couple fills our hearts with joy.