How to make a couple crisis become an apprenticeship?

When the couples arrive at the office, they do so with the accusing finger on duty pointing at whoever is next to them. side, blaming, scolding or interpreting, but generally not being able to ask the question from what individual.

What happens to me with this situation? What is my share of the responsibility in such a crisis? What can I try to give from my place so that this link works?

Therein lies the big problem. accusing someone and not being able to look inside oneself, generating with this modality a crisis or link conflict that with the passage of time is enlarging its dimensions.

It is easier for people to interpret someone's action, attitude or saying from their own perspective of life, criticizing or judging said action, being more complex to be able to stop and, empathically, ask a question.

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Learning from marital crises

The question allows us to understand what could have happened to him in his life story or at that moment to react in such a way. Likewise, it provides us and enables us both in the link, the possibility of stakeout, registration and search for answers.

When what is at stake in a bond is the interpretation, it is generated from the life story of the one who is interpreting, but not from the side of the one who performs such an action, being there where the protagonists are anger, criticism and judgment, the response of the other party will always be defense, thus giving the start to the cycle of conflict and endless.

Someone criticizes or accuses, the other person defends himself, since that criticism probably activated old wounds, and so on. between unnecessary accusations, criticisms and defenses, cracks and silences that are difficult to repair.

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Why does this happen in couple bonds?

This occurs for several reasons. One of the most frequent is that the couple bond is the one that works most frequently (statistically) being a mirror\reflection of things that cannot be seen in oneself, seeing them in the "other" in a way hint.

What is criticized and judged in other people, what irritates us about someone, are always those shadows that are found in the one who accuses, which cannot be visible or accepted. If it were possible to see them, one would have the enormous responsibility of moving on to the work of healing it and this entails a process of questions and search, being simpler for the human mind to ask for change from that other who is in the bond, to act and make my shadows aware and my own responsibilities to cure them.

When we cannot look inward, get to know each other, elaborate and heal the old childhood wounds of life, of my history, everything that happens in adult life that activates said memories, that rub against such wounds, will be placed on the outside, in the links that surround us as defensive mechanisms, this being the way that the mind interprets that it should fend, bringing the past into the present.

Herein resides the great importance of acknowledging this that is not elaborated, understanding that in the present the adult person that I am has different tools to be able to act, get rid of that bond if it considers it so, or communicate what is interpreted as painful.

As children we do not have such defenses to protect us from actions that could hurt us; we do not have the necessary tools to stop. Children and their defenseless state are not prepared for this, but the adult is, being there the immense work and responsibility that must be acquired. In addition to the mirror\reflection in which we look at ourselves in such links, there are failures in the communication between both members.

When communication is not clear, it is not assertive, it is not a specific request and it only works as a demand, the "other" will never be able to understand what is being put into the speech, since that demand it is more related to childish demands on our parents, being the injured children the ones who come to the scene and not the adult in the bond established. From this place there will be no possible understanding in the attempt at dialogue and agreement.

And here the importance once again of getting to know each other, knowing who comes on stage when asking or suing someone from the claim for change, recognizing when such character is the injured girl or boy or is the adult who has done their job internal.

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How can we generate a beautiful bonding learning from a crisis or conflict?

We can change a conflict when we change the focus of our gaze, when we can stop the impulse without thinking, with anger and caprice being the only protagonist. We can learn when we stop to get to know each other and we try to cut with repeated patterns of behavior, when we understand that changing partners permanently will not change the basic problem that is not healed, the change of a face is just that a change, but sooner or later the wound will return rub against

If we cannot start with an individual process, of self-sanction work, the couple will always be the place where our defenses act with disorder in time.

The path begins from the inside out, not putting the accusation on someone else, I may or may not like what the other does, but it must be understand that it is not personal, then that he does it from his version, but from my position I can choose to speak it or leave such a place in case of that hurts, but never ask someone for changes, because if that someone changes because of my request and not because of his own annoyance, this will return to the light.

In therapeutic couple treatments, work is done on the recording of each speech, also in the recognition of the roles of each one of the members, the staging of each demand, of each request, evaluating if what is mentioned is from a frightened boy/girl. Couple treatments enable each one to choose to leave or improve, but not from the claim.

Tools are given to work with the couple, in order to connect from different, healthier places.

Enabling oneself to the beauty of a bond is giving us the permission to enjoy, to learn, to sanction, making this journey something wonderful, far from the traumatic.

Suggestion: if you feel that this resonates with you and you cannot get out of the negative vicious circle of conflict, ask for professional help to be able to navigate this from another place.