Why is it so difficult to get over a breakup?

Suddenly, Martin had the feeling that the world was collapsing around him. His girlfriend, the woman he had lived with for the last 10 years of his life, had just tell him that she no longer loved him, that she had fallen in love with another man, and that that very night she was leaving home.

The feeling of disbelief that gripped Martín at that moment lasted for several days, and even months, after she had left. Distraught and confused, he kept wondering what the hell had happened.

He usually found himself wandering around the house alone, immersed in questions and dark thoughts. Over time, all kinds of happy moments began to come to mind., reminiscences of a better time that haunted him permanently: he remembered the smile of his ex-girlfriend, the last time they left vacations, the walks they did together every weekend in the neighborhood park, the hugs and gestures of affection that they professed mutually, the trips to the cinema and the theater, the shared humor, and a whole cataract of etceteras that were projected before their eyes like a movie, and again.

Besides, he often had the feeling that she was still in the house. He could smell her, see her standing by the living room window, and hear her childish laugh as an echo of her, now in her sad, bleak abode.

She was no longer there, but she had become a very present ghost that haunted him wherever he went. This was the story of Martin. Now I am going to tell another case, very different and very similar at the same time.

Romantic breakups and losses

Just as Martín lost his girlfriend, Diego lost a part of his body. He had been in a serious car accident that led to emergency surgery where doctors had no choice but to amputate his hand.

The curious thing about the matter, and leaving aside the sad and dramatic part of the story, is that in the days and months after the operation, Diego felt that the hand that had been taken from him was still in his place.

He knew rationally, of course, that he was now one-armed. In fact, she could gaze into nothingness itself where his hand had been before. The evidence before his eyes was irrefutable. But, despite that, Diego couldn't help feeling that the injured hand was still in his place. Furthermore, he assured the doctors that he could move his fingers, and there were even days when his palm itched and he didn't really know what to do to scratch himself.

The strange phenomenon that affected Diego has a name... it is known as the phantom limb syndrome. It is a well-documented pathology that, like everything that happens to us in life, has its origin in the architecture of the brain.

The phantom limb

Each part of our body occupies a specific place in the brain. The hands, fingers, arms, feet and the rest of the components of the human anatomy have a specific and identifiable neuronal correlate. In simple terms, our complete organism is represented in the brain, that is, it occupies a certain space made up of a set of interconnected neurons.

If misfortune stalks us and we suddenly lose a leg in an accident, which disappears from our body, instantly, is the actual leg, but not the areas of the brain where that leg is represented.

It is something similar to what happens if we tear a page out of a book: that specific sheet will no longer be part of the volume in question; however, it will continue to exist in the index. Here we are faced with a gap between what we are supposed to have and what we really have.

Another way to understand it is to think about the real geographic territory of a country and its cartographic representation, that is, the place that country occupies on the world map... Giant tidal wave might well cause Japan to sink into the ocean, but evidently Japan would still exist on all the school maps strewn across the face of the world. Land.

Similarly, if from one day to the next, the unfortunate Diego no longer has his right hand, but for his brain it continues to exist, it is expected that the poor boy feel like he can take things with the missing member, play with his fingers, or even scratch his butt when no one is looking at him.

The brain that adapts

The brain is a flexible organ, with the ability to reorganize itself. For the purposes of the case at hand, this means that the area of ​​the brain where Diego's injured hand used to sit does not die or disappear.

On the contrary, with the passage of time, when you stop receiving sensory information from the environment, such as touch, cold and heat, nerve cells stop fulfilling their function specific. Since there are no longer reasons for them to continue there, since their existence is not justified, neurons The unemployed put themselves at the service of another member of the body. Usually they migrate to neighboring regions of the brain. They change teams, to put it in colloquial terms.

Of course, this does not happen overnight. Such a feat takes months and years for the brain. During this transition period, it is possible that the injured person lives deceived, believing that there is still something where in reality there is nothing.

The parallelism

However, What does the syndrome of the strange hand have to do with poor Martin and his runaway girlfriend that give this article its title?

Well, quite a bit, in a sense, since not only our different parts of the body have a physical representation in the brain, but also everything we do during the day, our most diverse experiences.

If we take classes in the Czech language or playing the clarinet, the resulting learning triggers the literal reorganization of some regions of our brain. All new knowledge involves the recruitment of thousands and thousands of neurons so that this new information can be fixed and preserved in the long term.

The same is valid for Clarita, the woman with whom Martín was living. After many years of courtship and dozens of experiences together, she occupied a very specific place in the brain of man, just as the lost hand occupied a specific place in the brain of Diego.

Excised the hand, and excised Clarita, both brains will need time to adjust to the new circumstances; clinging to the past, they will only bombard both boys with illusory flashes of a reality that no longer exists. Thus, while Diego feels that he still has his hand, Martín feels Clarita's presence, and the two suffer. damned before the strong emotional contrast that is generated every time they become aware that it is no longer So.

The problem does not end there

There is an aggravating factor, and it is the feeling of discomfort that appears when the old accustomed brain cannot get what it wants.

When a person dazzles us, the central nervous system begins to release large amounts of a substance called dopamine. It is a neurotransmitter whose function, in this case, is to stimulate what is known as the brain's reward circuit, responsible for the feeling of well-being and fulfillment that characterizes the lover.

On the other hand, the excess dopamine circulating through our neurons blocks a region called the prefrontal cortex that, what a coincidence, it is the biological seat of reflective thinking, critical judgment, and the ability to resolve problems. In other words, when we fall in love, the ability to think and act intelligently goes to the seventh circle of hell, and beyond.

Blinded and dazed by love

Falling in love leaves us half fools, and that responds to an evolutionary purpose. Blind with love, not being able to perceive the defects of our partner helps to quickly strengthen the bond. If the person in question impresses us, seems perfect, without negative traits, it will make us want to spend a lot of time with her, which in turn will increase the likelihood that we will end up in bed, have children, and continue to populate the world. That, incidentally, it's the only thing our genes really care about.

Now, if for some reason the relationship is permanently interrupted, the circuit of reward is deprived of its source of dopamine, which triggers a true syndrome of abstinence. Instead, the stress circuit is activated, and the lover suffers like a prisoner by not being able to obtain what his brain insistently demands.

Like a recovering alcoholic or drug addict, the abandoned girlfriend or boyfriend may even go so far as to commit all kinds of recklessness and nonsense in order to win back her loved one.

The period it takes for the brain to readjust to this mess is what is commonly known as grief., and it is usually variable from one person to another, since it depends on the type and intensity of the bond, the attachment and the importance that we attribute to who we have lost.