How to have a positive self-talk with ourselves

Self-dialogue is the way in which we communicate with ourselves, the daily internal dialogue and sometimes unconscious with which we express to ourselves everything that happens. Because of this, self-talk is an important part of our self-concept or the idea of ​​"I" that we have, because it shapes our way of interpreting what those experiences that we experience say about ourselves. they occur.

The problem is that many people fall into a dynamic of analyzing everything that happens to them from a pessimistic and unconstructive outlook, which leads to self-sabotage, guilt and low self esteem. That's why it is important to ensure that our self-talk is positive, and in this article I will summarize some of the keys to achieving it.

• Related article: "Self-concept: what is it and how is it formed?"

The keys to having a positive self-talk

Self-dialogue allows us to make judgments about ourselves and our daily actions, assessments that can be fair or that may not fit reality and lead us to be really severe with ourselves themselves.

In this sense, a positive self-talk is one of the main guarantees that we have stable mental health and that we have an optimal level of self-esteem, while a negative self-talk is a sign of the opposite.

Below you will find a compilation of strategies and guidelines that help us to have a positive self-dialogue with ourselves, although the most effective way to achieve this is to attend psychotherapy.

1. Be aware of the type of self-talk

Since self-talk is often an unconscious phenomenon, it is necessary move all self-destructive thoughts, beliefs, judgments and patterns into the conscious realm that we have about ourselves. To do this, you have to get used to focusing on relevant behaviors and ways of thinking because of the objective effects that they have in us, or because of the strong emotional charge they bring with them (that is, if they make us feel a feeling or emotion in a way intense).

Once we recognize our own self-talk we can start working to change it and manage to have an inner monologue more adjusted to reality and that helps us, instead of harming us and boycotting us daily.

In order to verbalize our self-dialogue, we can write a diary, putting into words what we feel or we think of ourselves in moments of crisis or failure, writing down in detail how we have lived the situation.

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2. Questioning the veracity of one's own thoughts

People have a tendency to believe their own thoughts without question, especially if they have been harboring them for several years and regardless of whether they are true.

However, we must be clear that one's own thoughts about oneself can be changed for more positive and adaptive, it is only necessary to work conscientiously to achieve that goal and believe in our own possibilities of success.

So, to challenge a self-destructive thought or judgment, we can start by asking ourselves things like: Where did that thought come from? Does it fit reality? Has anyone told me that in the past? Am I exercising too negative a judgment?

That set of questions will help us discover that that particular thought may not be true. and it will allow us to discover, as we work on it, the origin of that idea, judgment or negative thought.

• You may be interested: "6 limiting beliefs, and how they harm us on a daily basis"

3. Identify self-destructive thoughts

Once we have managed to bring our self-talk to the conscious surface and have compared between our expectations and beliefs, on the one hand, and reality, on the other, it is time to specifically identify those thoughts, attitudes and judgments negatives. That is, those that have a negative emotional impact on us and that They do not bring us anything good, but quite the opposite.

This process can be complex, since it is often difficult to identify thoughts that we have always had and categorize them as self-destructive or negative.

To achieve this we can also write down the exact thought that certain situations or moments provoke in us in which we fail or things do not turn out exactly the same as we thought.

Some of the most common self-destructive thoughts can be: "I'm useless", "I'm stupid", "I will never achieve my goals", "they will never love me" or "I have no remedy".

• Related article: "Self-sabotage: causes, characteristics and types"

4. Change the way we talk to each other

Once we have questioned the veracity of our old thoughts and have identified several that harm our quality of life, it is necessary to modify them for more positive ones that help us on a day-to-day basis and allow achieve the positive version of ourselves that helps us boost our personal development and aspire to new goals, without giving in to excessive fear or self-loathing.

This can be achieved by replacing the negative phrases we direct to ourselves "I'm bad at soccer" for others more neutral or adjusted to reality "I'm not good enough playing football" or "I have to train plus".

Modifying the severe and negative way in which we speak to each other is the first step to begin to have a greater self-esteem and use our own will and belief in ourselves to achieve all the goals we have for in front of.

In addition to that, we must also begin to change our negative expectations for other positive ones about our actions, knowledge or skills.

Once we are experts in changing our negative ideas, we will be able to talk to each other in a more positive way, by identifying our strengths and virtues.

5. Modify one's objective behavior

To achieve a positive self-dialogue with ourselves, it is also very important to make a behavioral change, in addition to the cognitive change mentioned above.

This behavioral change consists of setting clear objective goals that challenge the negative self-talk that we had been maintaining, with the goal not only of making fairer and more realistic judgments of the situations we experience, but also of proving ourselves that this new way of seeing things is operational and brings us results because it connects with reality.

6. Internalize and train the new self-dialogue

Once we have learned how to change our negative self-talk for a more positive one, it is time to train it daily and start internalize it until it becomes the usual way of talking to ourselves, letting time and following the routine do their thing. work and without interrupting that dynamic.

This process can last a few weeks or months, the important thing is to be aware of the change that we must achieve to begin to have a much more positive and adaptive relationship with our own self.

7. If nothing works, go to a professional psychologist

Although all the tips mentioned above can be useful to us, we must always keep in mind that a psychologist can also help us achieve positive self-talk.

Contact a professional psychologist specialized in psychotherapy it is a guarantee of success to learn all kinds of useful tools and strategies to achieve a more adaptive self-talk.

Do you want to have professional psychological assistance?

If you want to start a process of psychotherapy or personal development with the support of a psychologist, I invite you to contact me.

Am Javier Ares Arranz and I can assist you in person or through the format of online therapy by video call.