Difficulties in communication as a couple (and beliefs that reinforce them)

We always hear about the importance of couple communication and that a very important percentage in the failure of a relationship has to do with said communication. But no matter how much we try to talk, solve and clarify things, we very often feel a very powerful frustration, because "it's useless, it doesn't change, it doesn't listen to me, it doesn't understand me".

Resolving conflicts is never easy, knowing how to manage the negative emotions that the conflict situation produces in me, as well as trying to the other person understands me and to get a change, it seems like a titanic effort that puts us in a negative spiral from which it is difficult for us go out.

How many couples are also usually in the dynamic, of "I need to talk about it, but when the other person is angry he needs her time and doesn't want to talk about it, which makes me feel worse". Each one manages their emotions differently, which makes it even more difficult for us to get out of the conflict because sometimes what started with a discussion without much importance ends up being perpetuated for a while because communication is deficient.

When one wants to talk, the other doesn't, in the end they don't talk, one feels that nothing has happened, the other keeps it and maybe brings it up later and so on many times. Has it happened to you?

• Related article: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

Improve communication as a couple by questioning problematic beliefs

To improve in couple communication, there seem to be many steps to learn and we can feel overwhelmed and not know where to start. Nothing is further from reality, the key to start improving communication, lies in stopping focusing attention on what the other is failing, on what is not good, on what I lack, etc. And focus attention on what thoughts are the ones that hurt me, what emotions cause those thoughts and how I can learn to manage them.

It seems easy to say, and not so easy to do, but in any interpersonal conflict you always have to remember that I I cannot control what the other thinks, feels, says or does, but I can control my own thoughts and emotions. Therefore, if I want to start changing communication, I am going to review which ideas about the relationship are working automatically and negatively when managing conflicts.

Here we present a few:

1. Happy couples don't argue.

Most of us understand that arguing is not bad, and that it's okay to argue from time to time, but many times you can be more afraid of conflicts, due to a past history, where education or negative experiences, saying what you think or feel or having a conflict has led to losing relationships or feeling abandoned. If so, you can develop a special sensitivity or reactivity to discussions and experience it with great anxiety. Precisely that fear increases a feeling of insecurity, and it is possible that it leads to more discussions.

• You may be interested in: "12 tips to better manage couple arguments"

2. never go to bed angry

This traditional idea is somewhat linked to the previous idea, that "everything has to go well", makes us see that the negative must be eliminated as soon as possible, which generates a lot of anguish every time there is a conflict. This sense of urgency makes any conflict much more negative and sometimes clashes with respecting the emotional management times of the other member, which perpetuates the discomfort.

3. You have to be honest and tell your partner everything

Many people consider this a primary value and in essence it is important to do so, but it is impossible to fulfill this 100%, as well as counterproductive. Learn to say what you feel, without reproaching the other and make constructive criticism (that contribute something, not criticize for criticizing), are the fundamental premise when it comes to being honest, which implies that we do not always have to be expressing what we do not like about other.

• Related article: "Honest People: Their 12 Distinctive Characteristics"

4. It is not necessary to speak certain things, you already know

Taking for granted what the other thinks, feels or does is one of the most common communication mistakes in couples. Having a lot of trust with someone and knowing someone implies that you can predict part of their behavior, but precisely it hinders a lot the communication this idea, because it prevents us from expressing how we feel or what we want, just because the other's response is not the desired.

5. My partner must understand and support me

In essence, the word that is left over in this idea is "must", when I see what my partner "has to offer me" as something essential and obligatory, it is very easy for me to feel hurt when I do not receive it, the ideas rigid always hurt us, that's why it's important to review the shoulds that we put in the other, the demands, because from there we will always have conflicts. Asking is not the same as demanding, good communication is based on the concept of expressing how I feel, and asking for what I need even knowing that I may not receive it, but nothing happens if that happens.

• You may be interested in: "How do you know when to go to couples therapy? 5 compelling reasons"

In conclusion…

In short, to start changing the negative communication loop it is important to review our distorted ideas, or rigid, that are behind the behaviors that we emit when communicating.