Steven Wright's 80 Best Quotes

Steven Alexander Wright is an American actor, producer, and writer, named for the Comedy Central as one of the greatest comedians, being ranked 23rd on the list of 100 greatest monologists. His humor is characterized by being dry, ironic and philosophical which, although sometimes they don't seem to make sense, leaves us with a strange feeling of reflection.

In this selection of Steven Wright's best quotes You will find a compilation of his wit and his observations.

• Related article: "100 funny phrases that express a sense of humor"

Steven Wright's most memorable phrases

Thanks to his character and humor, he managed to win an Oscar for his short film, 'The Appointments of Dennis Jennings'. To learn more about his life and profession, don't miss these quotes and reflections from Steven Wright.

1. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

The important thing is to keep insisting until you achieve it.

2. Monday is a horrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Many people are not fans of Mondays.

3. Support bacteria: They are the only culture that some people have.

Health also depend on our exterior.

4. If a person with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, can it be considered a hostage robbery?

An example of Steven Wright's acid humor. Without fear of laughing at any situation.

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5. Borrow money from pessimists: they don't expect it to be paid back.

Pay your debts, because they can grow over time.

6. I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Only you know the truths of your life, because they are your experiences.

7. Having a clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.

We all have some mistake that we must remedy.

8. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, widths scare me.

A peculiar kind of fear.

9. I have an existential map. It has "you are here" written all over it.

We all go through different 'existential' stages, both positive and negative.

10. When I die, I'm going to donate my body to science fiction.

Would you dare to donate your body when you die?

11. I have the largest shell collection in the world. I keep it on all the beaches of the world.

You can collect things and respect nature.

12. I'm trying to live forever. So far it's going very well.

We live to the fullest when we enjoy what we do.

13. I have a world map... real size. It says: scale one kilometer equals one kilometer. I spent last summer rolling it out.

The world is big.

14. I hate when my leg falls asleep during the day, I know that means I'll be up all night.

It is never pleasant to suffer from insomnia.

15. I've written a few children's books, but not on purpose.

Sometimes our talent develops without looking for it.

16. Every place is walkable if you have time.

If you want to travel, take the time to explore its places on foot.

17. Every time I think of the past it brings back many memories.

It is inevitable, so we should not cling to the past.

18. Hermits do not feel social pressure.

They know when the best time to retire is.

19. I think God is going to come down and throw civilization away by speeding.

God may not be happy with what we do in this world.

20. What youth can die of old age?

He who does not find a course to move forward.

21. I met a wonderful girl at Macy's. She was going clothes shopping and she was putting Slinkies on me on the escalator.

A terrible way to meet someone, at least she knows what can happen.

22. If you're in a spaceship traveling at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, does something happen?

An interesting question.

23. Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box?

Talking about the resistance of the black box not matching that of the plane.

• Related article: "Laughter: what is it for and how many types of laughter are there?"

24. Experience is something you don't get until right after you need it.

Not always the things you need arrive on time.

25. 7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

It is our actions that speak for us and create a mark.

26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Closings should not be perfect, but they should provide an ending.

27. A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a photo of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "I wish you were here."

We have all wanted to go to space at some point.

28. Let laughter cure all your ailments with these funny.

Laughter is a great way to solve problems or ward off stress.

29. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

The only way forward is to put aside what is not important.

30. I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms of the statues that are in all the other museums.

About museums that have pieces from other parts of the world and not from their own country.

31. I think I've forgotten this before.

A form of reverse déjà vu.

32. If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents, then someone, somewhere is earning a penny.

Many of our thoughts are directed at someone.

33. Depression is simply anger without enthusiasm.

A peculiar way of looking at depression.

34. If a man says something in the forest and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

A fun comment about how women always seek to be right.

35. Tell a man there are 400 billion stars and he will believe you. Tell him that a bench has wet paint on it and that he has to touch it.

People can be quite manipulable.

36. I have an inferiority complex, but it's not very good.

No complex is positive for us.

37. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people seem brilliant until they speak.

Remember that appearances can lie, so we must know people well.

38. My dream was so strong that I forced myself to do what terrified me. I was a nervous wreck.

To get where we want we must face the things that scare us.

39. I woke up one morning, [my girlfriend] asked me if I slept well. I said: No, I made some mistakes.

Rest at night is essential to have a good day.

40. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

It seems that we only live to pay.

41. I was delivered by caesarean section. It is not something that you can easily realize, removing my habit of always leaving houses through a window.

A character manifested from birth?

42. When I get bored I like to go to a central neighborhood, occupy a great parking space and count how many people ask me if I'm going to leave.

Having a hobby helps us not to get bored.

43. I only have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

Imagination is an incredible ability, but we must not let it dominate us.

44. I wrote a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

Could it be that these are the thoughts of a baby?

45. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough common sense to be lazy.

Ambition can lead us down the wrong path.

46. I need one of those baby monitors for my subconscious and consciousness so I can tell what the hell I'm really thinking.

A tool that many would appreciate.

47. You never know what you have until you lose it, and I wanted to know what I had, so I got rid of everything.

Sometimes getting rid of things helps us to have a clearer mind.

48. Always remember your unique being, like everyone else.

The point of being unique is not being afraid of being ourselves.

49. The other night I was lying in bed, looking at the stars and I was wondering: Where the hell is my ceiling?

Enjoy and appreciate the things you have.

50. Last night I played a blank tape at full volume. The mime next door went crazy.

There will always be someone who is upset by what you do.

51. When I was in school, the teachers told me that practice makes perfect; then they told me that no one is perfect, so I stopped practicing.

Nobody is perfect, but we can continue to improve every day.

52. The best kind of friend is the kind you sit down with, never say a word, and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

A great friend is one who keeps you company even if he is silent.

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53. I just got out of the hospital. I had a speed reading accident. I hit a marker and flew across the room.

Rushed things don't work out.

54. I woke up one morning and all my stuff had been stolen and replaced with exact duplicates.

There are people who suffer from a mental illness who make them believe that their surroundings are a fake, even though everything looks the same.

55. What happens if you scare yourself almost to death twice?

You get used to it or you develop trauma.

56. The hardness of butter is proportional to the softness of bread.

There are things that get along with each other, because they are made for each other.

57. Raise your hand all those who believe in psychokinesis.

We have all once believed in superhuman powers.

58. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

All our fears and guilt live in consciousness and if we don't solve them, they will always hurt.

59. It's like the Wild West, the Internet. No rules.

The Internet can be a very dangerous place if we are not careful.

60. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast any time'. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Would you like to travel to the past?

61. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

There is always a surprise around every corner.

62. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Not everyone has the opportunity to practice skiing.

63. I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

The closest thing we have to the truth of words.

64. When it's all coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Something that reminds us to always prepare for the worst.

65. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Our mind has a life of its own and if we don't control it, it can be a big problem.

66. Will Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Or will they just have iced tea?

67. I've been practicing abstract painting a lot lately, extremely abstract, without a brush, without paint, without canvas. I just think about it.

A painting that stays in the mind.

68. Sponges live in the ocean. That amazes me, I wonder how deep the ocean would have been if that didn't happen?

Could it be that sponges absorb sea water?

69. If Barbie is so popular, why do we have to buy her friends?

One person cannot do everything.

70. If a word in the dictionary is misspelled, how will we know?

Not everything we see is true, that's why you have to investigate more.

71. Last night I stayed up playing poker with Tarot cards. I hit a Full House and four people died.

Have you ever had a tarot read?

72. The brain is a wonderful organ: it starts working the moment you wake up and doesn't stop until you go to work.

The brain is a mystery that also has its selective tastes.

73. The other day I broke a mirror. They say it's seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer tells me he can get me five.

Everything can be solved with a good lawyer.

74. Yesterday I put a skylight on the roof. The upstairs neighbors are furious.

A reference to being reckless.

75. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like a jerk.

Patience is a virtue in fishing.

76. Black holes are the places in the Universe where God divided by zero.

The truth is that black holes are an enigma.

77. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Not always being the first means being the best.

78. I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time.

The power of instant coffee.

79. Stealing someone's ideas is plagiarism; Stealing from many is investigating.

Inspiration should not be synonymous with imitation.

80. If you don't succeed at first, skydiving is definitely not for you.

We have to be careful with the things we try.