Limerence: the obsessive need to be loved

Love is the force that moves the world. Most people have fallen in love or will fall in love at some point in their lives, and with this they will experience a great deal of sensations linked to the person they love. There are multiple ways to love, mostly positive.

However, in some cases we can find that what started as a crush can lead to obsession. It is what is known as limerencia or limerenza.

• Related article: "The 12 types of obsessions (symptoms and characteristics)"

What is limerence?

Limerence is understood as mental state characterized by an obsessive need to be reciprocated by a person who is esteemed by the person who suffers from it.

In limerence, the person who suffers from it has intrusive thoughts about the loved one, her well-being and the desire to correspondence that occupy a considerable time of his day to day and that makes the person ignore any other worry. There is also a very intense fear of rejection, as well as shyness in his presence. The person who is the object of desire is usually idealized, as well as feelings of euphoria in her presence.

This infatuation with obsessive characteristics lasts for years or even decades. Somatic symptoms may also appear, such as tachycardia and palpitations, tremors, pupillary dilation, sweating, facial flushing, appetite problems, stuttering and agitation (all typical elements of the infatuation).

This mental state has great repercussions in the day to day of the people who suffer from it. Specifically, it is not uncommon for them to curtail their social lives and become isolated progressively as your thoughts are focused on the person who causes your obsession. It also influences their work and academic performance, making it difficult to concentrate and reducing productivity. The subject usually spends much of his time thinking about the loved one and what a possible ideal relationship with him would imply.

• You may be interested in: "7 differences between love and obsession"

Differences with the usual crush

Actually, limerence bears a close resemblance to a normative crush, with most of the characteristics mentioned so far being remarkably similar. However, the truth is that limerence It has characteristics that make it stop being a crush as such and it starts to look more like an obsessive-type disorder (in fact, some authors classify it as such).

In the first place are the aforementioned recurring and intrusive thoughts, although to a certain degree they may be common in some crushes. Likewise, limerence taken to the extreme can lead to the implementation of predatory, persecutory and harassing behaviors towards the person who claims to love. Likewise, in limerence, the need to guarantee the affection of the other prevails. regardless of the respect, privacy and commitment that the other person requires.

Although originally the well-being of this is intended, it can reach the point of generating damage. Any act or action of the person who is the object of desire can be interpreted as a sign of loving correspondence. Likewise, it is not uncommon for them to change their own personality in order to conform and imitate that of the other.

Although sometimes it is identified with the so-called lovesickness, the truth is that limerence has a relevant difference with it: in limerence there is some degree of obsessiveness with the other person and the desire to be reciprocated, being able to alter interpersonal behavior and centralize behavior, thought and the emotional sphere around the person in question.

To whom does it appear?

This state of mind can occur both with people you know or even It is possible that there are cases in which he appears with people who have never been physically seen and with which there has been no contact (for example, through photographs).

But limerence does not have to occur only in cases where there is no relationship between the two people. It is possible that the person who is the object of desire will have a real relationship with the person with limerence (either before or after the problem appears), although in these cases the obsessive characteristics tend to remain and tend to lead to relationships of dependency and idealization.

Ways to combat it

Limerency is a problem that can lead to profound suffering for both the person who suffers from it and the object of her desire. Fighting it can be difficult, especially when the subject has no awareness or does not wish to make any changes.

In some cases, the time and reflection that they do not have and are not going to have a relationship with the desired person and/or the visualization and awareness of the defects that he/she also has will decrease the level of idealization and obsession regarding her. However, In many cases, some type of psychological intervention would be necessary..

An example could be, given the obsessive characteristics of limerence, employees in a obsessive-compulsive disorder. Working with exposure with response prevention can be helpful, as well as an analysis of the behavior and motivation of the person is required, what is it that makes you feel the need to be reciprocated by said human being and to what you attribute it.

Also the cognitive restructuring It is useful, both of the beliefs regarding the other person and those referring to oneself or what a relationship entails. Finally, also emotional expression (as long as it is not used as a compulsion) can be useful.

Bibliographic references:

• Tennov, D. (1998). Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. 2nd Edition Scarborough House.