How does emotional immaturity affect relationships?

Growing up means being independent on a personal level, without this implying distancing yourself from others. Thus, a mature person is able to self-regulate (manage her emotions) and adapt to the environment in a healthy way. On the other hand, reliability arises when, in your relationships, you do what you promise; this is a sign of emotional maturity.

People who show that they can be trusted make us see that they are committed to others. Reliability conveys security. The lack of this can mean self-centeredness, volatility, superficiality and dishonesty. To others, people who do not demonstrate reliability can be seen as insecure.

In this sense, moreover, when we behave immaturely, we self-sabotage our relationship as a couple.

• Related article: "What is the goal of couples therapy?"

The lack of emotional maturity and its effects on couple relationships

Emotional maturity requires will, introspection, constructive self-criticism. We reach it when we no longer need to judge or blame anyone for what happens to us. It is taking care of what we say. Respect what we hear, and think about what we do not express. Act more and complain less. Learn to open up emotionally without shields.

It's good to show ourselves vulnerable and not be afraid to express ourselves in love.

What is a self sabotage? It is when you go against your personal growth. The tendency to hinder ourselves, the achievement of our goals. When we have something good and we emit a behavior that makes us lose what we have. They are unconscious self manipulations.

The self-sabotage of love relationships due to emotional immaturity

There are several ways to self-sabotage relationships due to emotional immaturity:

• In the discussions, establish the dynamic of: who is to blame? I see and feel what you do to me and ignore the effect of my actions on you. Avoid facing problems. Deflect any responsibility and blame the other instead of analyzing what has happened. Delay difficult or uncomfortable conversations or avoid them altogether. See life only from one's own perspective. Don't put yourself in the other person's place.
• don't apologize when we are wrong or make mistakes.
• Have an interventionist listening. Listen to respond and win the conversation, not empathize or try to understand the other point of view or what is happening.
• Even if we have forgiven, use what happened in the past every time there is a conflict to face it.
• Focus on issues that are not related to what is happening in order to draw attention to our arguments, and ignore those of the other person.
• Using the other person's insecurities against them.
• Apply the law of ice. Use silence or ignore. Disappear when there are differences or conflicts in the relationship.
• Do not show affective responsibility. Making long-term promises even though you have no intention of committing to the relationship. Being indecisive with what you want. Give mixed signals.
• Not being aware of the impact that words and actions have on the other person.
• have low self esteem. Being hypersensitive to comments or criticism, since they are experienced as attacks.
• Victimize yourself to generate guilt.
• Play down the other person's emotions frequently.
• Not communicating your needs. Wait for your partner to guess what's wrong with you and what you need.
• Not fully committing to the relationship. Keep one foot in and one foot out.

How to apply emotional maturity to couple bonds?

To reach emotional maturity and have it reflected in life as a coupleTherefore, you have to do the opposite:

• Take responsibility for the consequences of our actions. Admit our mistakes and not try to make them up.
• Self control. React in a balanced and fair way. Don't be dominated by fear.
• Be assertive in the way we express ourselves. Describing behaviors instead of labeling. For example: “when you yell at me I get nervous, and I am not able to answer you”, instead of “you are very aggressive”.
• Know your own limits and establish limits with the other person. Be independent. Not position yourself as a victim and be able to ask for help in a healthy way.
• Greater affective responsibility. Being aware of the impact that words and actions have on the other. Honesty. Clearly explain your intentions and needs. Act with empathy and respect. Be aware that your behaviors have consequences on the emotions of the other.
• Don't be afraid of being vulnerable with your partner. This is a strength, not a weakness. Communicate when you have been hurt, do not keep it to yourself or avoid communicating. This would be passive aggressive behavior.
• not be afraid of admit your own mistakes and apologize. Don't let pride and ego take control.

To end…

In society, emotionally immature behaviors are promoted as characteristics of attractive people, confident and independent in the wrong way, as is the case with narcissism, which is mistakenly experienced as good self-esteem. Nothing is further from reality. When we take other people and ourselves into account, there is self-esteem and emotional maturity.