Ice heart: why sometimes it is difficult for us to express affection

We have known for some time to what extent our physical and psychological well-being can be eroded by loneliness, and that The expression of affection is the main way to create connections that link us to others beyond formal relationships.

However, Many people have trouble expressing affection., and automatically and involuntarily adopt a distant attitude despite the fact that a part of themselves demands otherwise.

Why is this happening? Like practically all psychological phenomena, there is not a single explanation, since there are several ways that lead to the same result, depending on the path that each person has traveled throughout his life. life. However, there are very common causes of this phenomenon that affects both relationships, and then we will see one of them.

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Problems when expressing affection

The human mind is a cluster of contradictions, and that is why we are capable of preferring one option to another theoretically while in practice we do the opposite. This happens, for example, when postponing visits to the dentist or skipping gym sessions that we are paying for, and it also happens in 

the emotional facet of our lives.

We know that connecting emotionally with someone is something nice, and despite this there are many people who in their day to day prefer to avoid it, rejecting invitations to go out, fleeing from intense hugs, giving up meeting people who show interest, or even showing a distant attitude with the family that cannot be explained by conflicts important.

This curious phenomenon has been addressed by a team of American researchers led by Anna Luerssen. They started from an initial hypothesis: that, When it comes to managing relationships, each individual is moved by one of two objectives priorities that are mutually exclusive.

These objectives are on the one hand to develop a satisfactory relationship and, on the other, minimize the risk of feeling rejected. In general, expressing affection generates well-being, but if it is interpreted that this affection is not reciprocated, a feeling of vulnerability and of having little value can appear that damages self-esteem.

Luerssen and his family understood that someone with low self-esteem will tend to remain more defensive in their love relationships, and that therefore, anticipating the high risk of rejection, it will be easier for you to give up the idea of ​​having a very intimate relationship and satisfactory.

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The experiment

For this research, Luerssen's team had the participation of 60 couples who were cared for in a psychology laboratory. There, the members of each pair were separated and a role was offered to each of them: one person would be "the speaker" and the other, "the one who listens".

To the participants who had to speak they were asked to choose three compliments or compliments what to say to their partners The people who received them, in addition to being asked to listen without offering any answers, were told that their partner had chosen to talk about "things I really like about my partner" from a list of possible topics. In this way, they would believe that the compliments were something spontaneous.

After this phase, both members of the couple filled out questionnaires about how the activity had made them feel, underwent a test to collect data about their hormone levels at the time, and the "speakers" filled out a questionnaire designed to measure their self-esteem.

The harmful power of vulnerability in the couple

According to the results obtained, people with lower self-esteem tended to offer less affectionate compliments and to manifest a greater discomfort produced by the experiment.

progesterone levels, a hormone secreted in greater amounts in affective behaviors and those linked to attachment, They also did not go up significantly in these people, as is the case with most people. people. In fact, both the "hearing" people in low self-esteem couples and those associated with high self-esteem couples did experience that sudden rise in progesterone levels. On the other hand, "speakers" with lower self-esteem tended to believe to a lesser degree that their partner would benefit from their compliments.

How is this interpreted? Everything seems to indicate that people with less self-esteem are much more goal-oriented to avoid feelings of rejection, and that the actions that expose them to this type of danger cause discomfort that is not compensated by the good that is believed to be done; hence the biased idea that the other person benefits little from compliments despite hormone tests indicating otherwise.

A good part of the solution to this type of affective and relational problems, then, goes through work self-esteem and build an idea of ​​oneself (a self-concept) realistic and uncomplexed. Thus, everyone will win.

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Bibliographic references:

• Luerssen, A., Jhita, G. J., & Ayduk, O. (2017). Putting yourself on the line: Self-esteem and expressing affection in romantic relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 43(7), 940-956.