5 steps to setting limits in a fair and responsible way

Difficulties when it comes to setting limits or even ignorance about personal limits is a topic that I come across many times in my professional practice.

However, it is inevitable that you will go through this unpleasant situation of have to say "no" at some point with your partner, your children, at work or with friends.

• Related article: "Assertiveness: 5 basic habits to improve communication"

Why setting limits is so important

Your personal limits are the basis of your mental health, since feeling that your limits are respected gives you a sense of security. It is important that you can be sure that no one is going to force you to do or feel things you do not want, just as it is important that you feel safe in your own home, where no one can enter without asking permission. In turn, you would never enter anyone's house (even a very trustworthy one) without first knocking on the door and asking for permission.

Personal boundaries are like the door that protects us and allows us to choose who or what we let pass, and just like you you have your own limits, it is part of your responsibility to respect the limits of others and accept the "no" of the other also.

A limit can be something as simple as not wanting to fill out a survey while you are shopping on the supermarket, you do not want to listen to a sales call that is made to your personal telephone, because you have the right to direct your time; and it is important to make use of this right to maintain autonomy and control over your own life.

Apart from the justice that one does with oneself when setting limits, it is also fairer with others to be honest and admit when you really don't want to, can't or don't know how to do something. It doesn't help anyone to commit to tasks that end badly. In fact, people who know how to set limits honestly are considered more trustworthy.

• You may be interested in: "The 12 basic communication skills"

What can be identified as personal limit?

Personal limits vary in each person, and it is important that you identify them according to your personality and through your life experience.

There are very obvious limits that are explicitly secured from our rights as humans. The right to dignified treatment, free of insults, contempt or violence, for example.

However, there are other limits that they depend more on the situation and your individuality. Limits that are practically what marks your personal space, in an emotional, physical, social, spiritual, and work sense.

• Related article: "Do you really know what self-esteem is?"

Limit types

Your emotional limits are the own emotions that you experience at a certain moment, that you do not need to justify, but they are what they are at the moment they arise.

The physical limits refer to your right to your own space and to consent or not to the contact and closeness that you want to allow other people. For example, children who do not want to kiss an untrustworthy relative to greet them set a limit and it is important that it be respected.

Social boundaries define our right to choose our own friends, hobbies, and leisure activities.

The spiritual limits define your right to a spiritual or religious life of your own and that beliefs with which you do not identify are not imposed on you.

• You may be interested in: "6 guidelines to learn to say 'no'"

How can we identify what our personal limits are?

Sometimes it is not so obvious that your personal boundaries have not been respected. Many people are not very connected with their own limits and tastes, since for a long time they were too oriented towards the needs of others and seek to please indifferently (by education or as a mechanism protective). This has the effect that they continue to fill a bottomless trunk, by not taking care of themselves and constantly depending on the approval of others.

In this sense, there are some aspects to take into account to identify personal limits:

• In what situations did you regret saying yes? Maybe you didn't want to disappoint a friend or you thought the other person would resent you, but at In the end, you did not like the activity at all, you did not manage to finish it well or it caused you a lack of time in your priorities personal.
• You realize that you are justifying yourself for something that you have not done or that is confusing you: For example, when there is jealousy from the couple, who asks that they expose themselves to any means of communication to verify messages or photos suspects.
• Are there regular activities or commitments that you do more to please someone else, but every time you think about it, it bothers you? If there are weekly or monthly commitments where you only go so that your partner or a friend does not resent it, you are not going to contribute anything there either. It is fairer to everyone involved not to participate or only as often as is acceptable to you.

Why is it so difficult for us to set limits?

If setting limits contributes so much to our well-being... Why is it so difficult for us? Obviously the limit implies a "no", and the "no" means that someone can be disappointed or that you can look bad, which many people find it very difficult to tolerate. We think that when another person is angry or resentful with us, it must be because we have done something wrong, although this is not necessarily the case.

May your limits be respected, unfortunately, still highly dependent on ethnic, economic, gender and cultural factors. For example, it is socially more accepted for a man to set a limit than for a woman to do so, who is still expected to be "the good one" that she pleases. In individualistic cultures like the North American it is very common and respected to set limits, in exchange for cultures more collectivist, like the South American ones, where the good of the group always comes before the good of the individual. Your suspicion or difficulty in setting limits may be linked to these conditions.

How to overcome the fear of setting limits

The interesting thing is that, in most cases, the other person understands you and appreciates your honesty and it is important to practice it to have this experience. You have to see boundaries more as an important guide for your social relationships.

As soon as your friend, partner, family member or colleague is someone who respects your limits and who sets their own limits, you have a person you trust, someone who does not depend on you and who takes care of his own welfare. People who easily resent your limits may use guilt as a form of manipulation.

That is why it is so important to know one's own limits and to know why I choose "no" in one situation or another, in such a way that it can be communicated authentically and coherently.

5 steps to set limits

Keep these guidelines in mind.

1. Know your personal limits

Think about your current life, think about each area (partner, children, family, friends, work, spirituality, hobbies). Use the reflection questions previously shared in this article and detect situations where your limits were not respected or, on the contrary, where you were very clear in communicating them. If that is difficult for you, it is time to train your senses to learn more about what you really want.

3. Tell about you

When you have identified a specific situation and you know that it is time to speak and communicate your limit, follow the following rules: Speak only about yourself, avoid resentment or accusations. Share with the other person what you see and what you feel with it.

For example, with your partner: "I see that you are excited that we spend this holiday with your family, at the same time I feel confused because you did not ask me if I also wanted to go."

3. Talk about what you ask for

If you stay with simply expressing your feelings, it is as if you voted dead for the other person. It is important state clearly what you expect, what are you asking for or what alternatives are you proposing.

For example: “It's okay for us to go, but next time I want you to ask me first. It's important to me to feel that you care about my opinion and that we decide together."

4. Be aware of what negative feelings may follow

Despite the fact that you communicate your point of view with the greatest clarity and use the most appropriate words to set a limit, there is a possibility that the other person will resent, be sad or even reject your proposal and perhaps you will feel blame.

However, keep in mind that you are always fairer / or when being honest / or. In the long term, avoiding the “no” so as not to like someone else or not make someone feel bad aggravates the situation, because you will not be able to endure an uncomfortable situation forever.

5. Be consistent and be clear about what will happen if your limits are not respected

As soon as you are sure about your limit and you have communicated it clearly, the fairest thing to do is to be constant and not fall back into old patterns as often happens and despite the fact that they talked about it, the same thing continues to happen same.

Example: You asked your partner for a separation time and zero contact after a crisis situation, however, they keep calling you and insisting that they see each other.

When you give in, even if you don't want to, not only will you be more confused, but he/she will also be more confused. Although it is lazy and uncomfortable to repeat the "no" and thus be even more cutting, if you know what you want, it is still fairer to everyone by being constant.

In case your limits are simply not respected, it is very important that you think of a consequence.