How do you know when to end a relationship?

All relationships have ups and downs, which is healthy and normal. However, sometimes, after a tense situation or a discussion, doubts arise about whether that relationship has a future or not.

The problem is that it is not so easy to know if our partner or marriage is in such a bad situation that it would be best to end it once and for all.

For this reason many people wonder how to know when to end a relationship, given that deciding to end it for something that, in reality, is not so serious, can be a big mistake, while not deciding to end when you are in a relationship that simply does not offer you anything, either it's plan.

In this article we are going to see clues that indicate that, perhaps, our relationship has already reached a point where it is necessary to end it.

• Related article: "12 tips to better manage couple arguments"

How do you know when to end a relationship?

Ending a relationship is something very serious. It cannot be taken lightly, nor can it be expected that, if we have made a mistake when cutting, in the future the relationship will be restored as if nothing had happened. It is because of that

it is necessary to reflect in depth on the state of the relationship, if it is really necessary to cut or if there is an alternative that benefits both.

Next, we will see questions that we should ask ourselves and clues that we can see that indicate that the time has come to end the relationship.

1. Is this the relationship I want?

Although life is not always rosy, we must be clear that dating someone should offer us some kind of emotional benefit. When we go out with someone we should do it because we want to, because we like to be with him or her.

If we want something else, if we want the relationship to take another course or, simply, we don't feel comfortable, that could indicate that we are not dating the right person.

Continuing with a dead relationship is something that will not help either of you. We must let go of thoughts like “if I leave her, she will suffer” or “it is that she is having a very bad time and I do not want to sink her further”. Continuing with this is going to make you feel even more uncomfortable. It's time to take action and get it over with.

2. What do I gain and what do I lose by continuing or breaking?

Many times, despite the fact that we are clear that the relationship is dying, we insist on trying to keep it alive, like someone who continues watering the plants that are more than parched. The plants are dead, like the relationship.

Breaking up with a person is not a happy thing. It is a sad event for both of us, but necessary if, continuing with the relationship, we lose our freedom and emotional well-being. The fear of what we might lose is an emotion that paralyzes us, but if we think carefully about what we gain if we end the relationship, it may motivate us to take the first step.

3. Can the relationship be saved?

You shouldn't break the relationship without first thinking deeply if you still have some kind of solution. There may be communication problems or misunderstandings that have snowballed and now we are facing a glacier.

But snow and ice melt. Talking about the problems, what was not understood or what was misunderstood can start the recovery process of the couple. However, if the other person does not want to and there is no way to deal with it, A good option is to go to couples therapy so that the professional can offer you guidelines and strategies to solve your relationship.

If none of this works, or simply the other does not want to talk about the problem, it will be in the best interest of both of you, especially you, to end the relationship.

• You may be interested in: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

4. Is there something I can't accept from my partner?

No one is perfect, and we can all change, for better or worse. There are many things about our partner that we don't have to like, and we would like them to make the effort to be a better person.

However, if we are thinking all the time about what she or he should change for us, can indicate that we do not like the person with whom we are intimate. It may also be that she or he wants us to change ourselves.

Try to make our partner someone better, or that she tries to change us, it is something healthy, as long as it is not raised with emotional blackmail or that is intended to change something that is part of hers or ours personality.

If we love that person, or they love us, it is very healthy to accept their strengths and flaws., as long as the latter do not harm the health of both.

5. Are you embarrassed to date

This indicator is very clear. If when you meet your friends you are very embarrassed that they meet your partner, or you simply do not feel interested or happy when they meet them, this means that you are not you feel comfortable dating that person, as long as there is no social pressure against maintaining that relationship (for example, in fundamentalist families religious).

As a general rule, everyone is excited that their best friends know the person with whom they have been intimate in recent months. everybody wants know what your friends think about your new partner, and how they see you dating.

Certainly, there are people who are more shy than others, and our partner may not see them very much. in tune with how our friends are, but from there to not wanting to present it out of shame there is a lot difference.

If we go out with someone we like, we should not keep her hidden from our family circle or friends like someone who buys a piece of clothing and puts it in the closet because they consider that it is not the time for that.

6. Do you feel that it is your partner who is ashamed of you?

The opposite can happen to the previous case: it is your partner who does not want to introduce you to their friends or family. Although it is true that he may think that you will not feel comfortable with his friends, another reason is that that he considers you a person who should not be introduced in society, either because he does not see you as a serious relationship or because he is ashamed of you.

Each person is worth their own, and the last thing you should consent to is for a person you are supposed to be dating to feel like they shouldn't be introduced to others.

If he or she thinks you shouldn't meet their friends, that can be understood as not wanting you to be a part of their world. It is a very clear clue that it is best to get out of his life, since He has given us signs that he does not want us to be in his world.

7. You are in a manipulative relationship

If there is manipulation, run away. Manipulation, emotional blackmail, control... all these actions are not healthy at all. They are not appropriate dynamics to live happily as a couple.

It is not easy to end this type of relationship, and you should never trust that being the two of you alone can easily break. It is highly recommended to rely on a friend to be present, or to do it from a distance if you think there may be a backlash.

8. There's no respect

It is normal for a couple to have some criticism, but there should never be humiliation or abusive criticism.

If your partner tells you something that you don't want to hear, but does it with the intention of making you a better person and saying it with respect, that's okay. Instead, if he uses sarcastic and acid comments, or just treats you like dirt, it is clear that the relationship is not going well and that your mental health is at risk.

9. Only you seek moments of intimacy

Intimacy, expressed in bed or on the sofa with caresses, kisses, pampering and, of course, sex, is one of the pillars of any relationship. Sometimes it happens that she or he does not want to, something that must be respected because this is a matter of two, someone should not be forced to do what she does not want.

However, it may be that you are the only one proposing moments of intimacy, while your partner always rejects them, making excuses that you don't believe.

You should not be afraid to talk about it, and ask what is happening to you, if everything is going well or if you feel uncomfortable with something. If there's a problem, it needs to be dealt with, and if you don't want to, then perhaps this relationship is doomed.

10. They pressure you to have intimate moments

On the other hand, it may be that you are the one who does not feel like it, although not necessarily always. There are times we want sex and other times we don't, and no one should force us when we don't want to.

If they try to force us, be it a man or a woman, they are committing a serious violation of our sexual freedom, no matter how non-violent it may seem. It is not no, even within the couple.

11. Your acquaintances have warned you to go out with someone else

Although you shouldn't end a relationship because others don't like it, the fact that our family, friends, and even some other not so close acquaintance has warned us that our relationship does not seem good is an indicator to take into account account.

If they have specific reasons or have seen something that seems to them reason enough to leave the relationship, we must try to see if it really is so, or if they are right and think of our good.

12. you don't see a future

If you're a teenager dating someone, it's clear that talking about a future together is a bit rash. At this age, talking about getting married, having children and looking for a house are too adult thoughts.

However, if you are an adult, you have been having a partner for several years, it is inevitable that these thoughts come to your mind and, sooner or later, they are discussed. It is not that all couples should get married and have children, but certainly a future together is something that should have been considered.Because if not, what's the use of continuing the relationship if you don't think it's going to last?

13. There are serious problems

Your partner physically or verbally abuses you, has cuckolded you or you have cuckolded them, gives you ultimatums that are not fulfilled, exploits you financially, separates you from your friends or family...

All these problems are serious and are a very clear sign that this relationship is dangerous.. In these cases, you should talk to a lawyer, the police, a therapist and relatives so that they are up to date on the situation and avoid, by all possible means, something even worse from happening.

14. too many ups and downs

As we were already saying, it is normal for couple relationships to have ups and downs. There are moments of great happiness and others in which there is tension, but they end up being resolved.

The problem is when the relationship is good and bad every day, that is, there are too many moments of tension that are later, apparently, calmed by a lot of joy. Something's not working.

A relationship should be a source of security and well-being, not a continuous feeling of instability. Why do we want to have a boyfriend or girlfriend if it doesn't give us calm or peace of mind?

15. you have separated

Many people, when they start a relationship, feel a deep love and are unable to spend time away from each other. This ends, with the passage of time, being less intense, but there is still a lot of love and desire to spend time together.

However, sometimes it happens that the two lovers begin to drift apart without realizing it, spending time together very occasionally, despite being a couple. This is an indicator that the relationship is cooling off.

If the only thing you have in common is that you share a story, instead of spending time together or making an effort to spend an hour a day with each other, something is wrong.

It may be the case that the relationship has evolved from a loving one to a friendship with benefits and, although that is not a bad thing, it does indicate that love is a bit dead. You should talk and see if the affection is enhanced or become just friends.

Bibliographic references:

• Biscotti, O. (2006). Couples Therapy: a systemic look. Buenos Aires: Lumen.
• Christensen A., Atkins D.C., Baucom B., Yi J. (2010). "Marital status and satisfaction five years following a randomized clinical trial comparing traditional versus integrative behavioral couple therapy". Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. 78 (2): p. 225 - 235.