Zero contact after a breakup: is it a good option?

When we break a relationship, it is normal for at least one of those involved to wonder if it is possible to return, if she can continue to be a friend of that ex. In short, he continues to hope that this is not the end.

A breakup is not comfortable, but not disengaging from the other can make it even worse. This is why on many occasions, and contrary to what one might wish, it is best to eliminate all forms of contact with our ex-partner.

This is called zero contact, basically avoiding seeing photos, sending messages or meeting the person with whom you have broken up.. Let's take a deeper look at the benefits of this strategy, as well as understand what it's not for.

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Zero contact after the breakup: is it useful to protect our emotions?

Zero contact consists of spending a period of time in which you try to suppress any form of contact with your ex-partner. Although the expression zero contact is mostly used for breakups, the truth is that it is also applicable to all types of relationships, both personal and professional.

You can decide to break any ties with a highly exhausting job, a toxic friendship or a relative who doesn't treat us the way we deserve.

A very important aspect when applying this strategy after breaking up with someone is stimulus control. This implies not only eliminating physical contact, that is, avoiding meeting him or her.

You should also avoid talking to them, whether by phone, instant messaging or social networks, and even avoid third parties, whether relatives of our ex, mutual friends or people involved in that relationship in some way, as well as memories, such as photos or songs heard together. That is, an effort must be made to remove any stimulus that reminds that person.

It's hard to get used to the idea of ​​accepting a breakup. We always wonder if there will be a second part. But the best thing is to accept that the relationship has come to an end and that the best way to get over it is to try. move forward, not be anchored to the past and prevent memories and temptations from stretching the suffering.

Zero contact should not be confused with ghosting.. Ghosting consists of breaking all contact with the partner, without her realizing it. That is to say, it is to abruptly break the relationship, without explaining to the other why it has been decided to end the couple or giving them the opportunity to explain what they think about this.

"Ghosting" is an unethical way of ending a relationship, while the zero contact technique consists of once you have broken the relationship by mutual agreement (more or less) it is decided to avoid any form of contact, so as not to suffer and lengthen the process of breaking off.

times of difficult emotions

Cutting off the relationship and avoiding any further contact is not an easy task, but it is necessary in many cases. We must stop fooling ourselves and accept that the relationship is most likely over for good.

The "we can be friends" or "I don't want to lose you as a friendship" thing is a way of deceiving yourself, of believing that sooner or later the relationship will be re-established, which is highly unlikely. For all this, it is so necessary to apply the zero contact strategy, but first you should reflect a little, either to consider if it is the most appropriate or if you are prepared.

The first thing to do is think about the possible consequences of continuing contact. Perhaps, if we continue to think that we can see our ex on social networks, have contact on the mobile or seeing him from time to time, this will generate emotional discomfort in the form of stress, anxiety and problems in our health mental.

Based on this, we must clarify what we want for ourselves, that, in essence, we are the most important people in our own lives. Nobody wants to feel bad, such a common feeling after a breakup, and we all want to regain control of our lives, something we didn't have when dating someone in a relationship that led nowhere part. We must establish what is best for us.

It is normal that deciding to break all contact is scary. After all, accepting the idea that you are not going to get back with someone generates uncertainty, both in the fact that that we don't know how our life is going to be without him or her as in the unknown if we are going to meet someone new. Whatever it is, you must be strong and establish a firm desire for change in the face of fear, focus on the improvements that it brings us without prolonging the suffering.

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When is it advisable to apply this strategy?

Using the Zero Contact Strategy It is especially useful when you have lived for a long time in an exhausting relationship..

As we have already seen, although it is especially applicable to relationships, it is also useful in the work context, toxic and family friendships that hurt us. If these people have not contributed anything to us and it does not seem that they are going to change, it is best to cut off any way they have to make contact with us and vice versa.

Zero contact controversy

The zero contact technique has been the subject of considerable controversy, not because of the technique itself but because of the purpose for which many end up applying it: get the ex back. Many love gurus say that the best way to get someone back after a breakup is to stop having any contact with them.

According to them, sooner or later the other party "will see that she cannot live without us" or "will understand her how wrong she was to leave us, missing us so much while we haven't contacted she".

It must be understood that the main reason why zero contact should be established with our ex is the overcome the breakup in the healthiest and fastest way possible. By stopping seeing her, talking to her and avoiding any stimulus related to her, we will avoid stretching the psychological suffering associated with the breakup. It is not a matter of thinking that there will be a future together, but rather a matter of accepting that, most likely, the relationship is over for good. Resisting it will do us more harm than good.

Wanting to get your partner back is legitimate, but doing it this way is not. Using this technique with the intention of getting our partner back is a dysfunctional way of coping with a breakup. It is emotional masochism combined with being dishonest with our ex, since we initially give understand that we have mutually agreed to the breakup, but we are orchestrating a way to get back together she.

Definitely, we are being manipulative if our intention is to pretend that we break contact and accept the end of the relationship. How do we intend to return to our partner if our new relationship is going to be based on a lie and mistrust? It's certainly not a healthy way to treat an ex or ourselves.

Bibliographic references:

• Blummer, M. L. C., Hertlein, K. M., & Vanden Bosch, M. L. (2015). Towards the development of educational core competencies for couple and family therapy technology practices. Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal, 37(2), 113-121. doi: 10.1007/s10591-015-9330-1
• Celano, M. (in press). Competencies in couple and family psychology for Health Service Psychologists. In Fiese, B. (Ed.), APA Handbook of Contemporary Family Psychology. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.