Why is it hard to forgive? The keys to knowing how to reconcile

Knowing how to forgive is a very important capacity, especially if it is related to maintaining good social relations in addition to acquiring great importance during the processes therapeutic.

However, it is not that easy. Sometimes it is difficult to accept the apologies of others and try to overcome the damage received. That is why many people wonder why it is hard to forgive, and it is something that we are going to see more in depth below.

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Why is it so hard to forgive someone?

Forgiveness is human, and, in fact, according to a study carried out at Yale University by the group of Molly J. Crockett, we are all born with this ability.

However, As we get older, we find it harder and harder to forgive., either because we are afraid of being hurt again or because our personality is that of people with a low tolerance for betrayal. Be that as it may, not forgiving becomes a defense mechanism, which can sometimes be detrimental to our correct socialization.

We must understand that forgiveness is not simply a set of behaviors towards a person who has done something unpleasant to us, but rather an attitude towards oneself. It is about not allowing circumstances that have been painful for us to become something that affects our way of being and contaminate our lives. With forgiveness you grow emotionally.

One of the reasons why it is so hard to forgive is that is seen as a synonym for weakness. It is often thought that, by forgiving someone who has hurt us, we are giving him a free hand to do what he did to us again, in addition to not making him see what he did wrong. Actually, this is not so. Forgiveness doesn't mean we accept what he did to us, but rather it is a way of allowing ourselves to move on.

Forgiving is not an act of charity or submission, nor is humiliating oneself or allowing abuse, but accepting that person was wrong and, if he is aware of the damage he did, we allow him to evolve as person. What he did to us must be taken into account as to when it was done, not generalize it to the person's way of being. This can be difficult, because either by being angry or being sad, sometimes it is not possible to separate the negative fact from how the person who carried it out is.

Forgiveness is like a gift, not for the one who receives it, but for the one who gives it.. It is not that it becomes an act of tolerating the damage received, but rather accepting what has happened and trying to overcome the negative feelings. Nothing should be expected from the other, especially if there has been a repeated precedent of having done harm. The goal of forgiveness is to learn that oneself is more important and to manage the pain.

Another reason that prevents us from forgiving others is the pain that we are still feeling because of the damage they have done to us. This is especially visible when the act in question is very serious or the person who did it to us is someone we trusted almost blindly. It is usually very difficult to forgive betrayals from family, partner and friends, causing the trust that was had in them to be greatly weakened. By loving these people intensely, the fact that they hurt us is something truly very painful.

Faced with this type of situation, the disappointment experienced is very deep, since we had formed expectations in relation to others. When the clash between our expectations and reality occurs, disappointment appears, an emotion that arises from seeing that things are not as we expected. This is when emotions such as anger, anger, sadness and, of course, resentment arise.

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The importance of forgiveness

When we are hurt, we manifest a whole series of feelings that, although adaptive, are negative and that, if maintained in the long term, can affect our health, both physical and mental. Resentment becomes a kind of aura that surrounds us and that grows stronger and stronger., remembering everything that they have done to us and that has made us angry, feeding back and consuming us from the inside, as well as negatively affecting our social relationships.

Forgiving does not mean that things are solved by magic, nor does it necessarily imply that give a reconciliation, nevertheless it supposes a certain relief, as much for the injured person as for the one who hurt. With the act of forgiving we become wiser people and we grow emotionally.

You have to make the wise decision to understand that we should not blame others for our own misfortunes, unless they have done very serious things to us, such as mistreatment, robbery or infidelity. Always to the extent that you can, you should accept what has happened, try to forgive and learn from the fact, however unpleasant it may be.

If it is not forgiven, the pain becomes chronic. You have to understand that the pain that arises from this type of situation is like an iceberg: the person who suffers from it only shows a small part of all the pain that he really suffers. Forgiving is like taking an icebreaker across that huge chunk of ice, breaking it up and making it much easier and faster to melt.

forgive yourself

Everyone has ever made a bad decision that has ended up hurting them after a while. It is possible that when the decision was made, it did not measure up to the circumstances. Regardless of the seriousness of the issue, it is very important that we are human and that, like everyone, we can make mistakes from time to time, but we must also allow ourselves to forgive ourselves. The decisions we make and the results, whether positive or negative, are part of our learning.

When the bad things we have done come back to walk through our minds, we must try to tell him 'Stop', since it is no longer his turn to return nor to claim a leading role that he already had at the time.

You don't have to beat yourself up. As the saying goes, 'falling is allowed, getting up is an obligation', that is, you can make mistakes but you always have to move forward and learn from experience. One will not be able to forgive others if he has never forgiven himself.

Bibliographic references:

• Siegel, J.Z., Mathys, C., Rutledge, R.B. et al (2018). Beliefs about bad people are volatile. Nat Hum Behav 2, 750–756 doi: 10.1038/s41562-018-0425-1.
• Sutton, G. W. (2017). Review of the book Forgiveness Therapy: An empirical guide for resolving anger and restoring hope by Robert D. Enright and Richard P. Fitzgibbons. Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 35, 368-370.