The importance of being assertive (and 7 ways to achieve it)

Have you ever been told, “you have to be more assertive”? It is likely that the first thing you have asked yourself is, but what is that? Assertiveness is a way of communicating clearly and firmly, being faithful to our feelings, thoughts, needs, and desires.. Putting assertive communication into practice is an act of love and respect towards oneself and towards others, since it invites dialogue in an honest, courteous and open manner.
Have you found yourself in situations where you wanted to express yourself calmly and confidently but fear of conflict, lack of confidence, and desire to please others have won you over? How did you feel afterwards? It is likely that you have whipped yourself and that you have experienced frustration, sadness, and anger. It is normal, you are not alone as I will show you in an example of my clients.

The good news is that assertiveness is a skill that with help we can develop. Imagine speaking with calm, conviction, and precision. It feels great, right? And this has a benefit for our interlocutor as well since he will understand how to communicate with us as well.

• We recommend you read: "Assertive people: 10 characteristics they have in common"

7 ways to put assertiveness into practice

When we put assertiveness into practice, we are acting responsibly because we are taking charge of our possibilities, needs, and desires. When we are assertive, we stop expecting others to guess what we feel and free them from the pressure to read our minds.. On the other hand, it is reasonable and considerate communication, from which we all benefit. One step at a time, we can learn.

• practice mindfulness. This requires that we observe ourselves without judging ourselves and that we make room for the full range of our emotions. This way we can identify our fears and insecurities with serenity and manage them later.

• Talk to ourselves as we would talk to someone we love, replacing our inner critic with a compassionate voice that reinforces our self-esteem and our confidence.

• Challenge the beliefs that tell us that we are not worthy of respect or to be heard. "Really? Is it so like that?", "What story am I telling myself that is blocking me?" "How can I get my power back?" “What learning do I get from this?”

• set healthy boundaries, learning to say no when we don't like something or we can't commit to doing it. Let's remember that we are saying no to the activity, not to the person who asks for it. It is also important to get to the point and not give so many explanations.

• Stop victimizing ourselves or blaming others by expressing ourselves in the first person. “When this happens, I feel that…”, “I find it…”, “I understand that…”, “I need…”, This helps others to be able to understand us and that they see what is happening to us without falling into accusations of the type "you have made me...", "you always…"

• Practice active listening showing a real interest in what the other person is sharing with me and from that place take my turn to speak respecting both points of view.

• Ask a professional for help to help us visualize ourselves being assertive, using the right internal tools, and adopting the right mindset. A coach is ideal in this role.

What can prevent us from being assertive?

The lack of assertiveness is closely related to our interactions as children and/or adolescents. If our needs and desires were not taken into account, it is likely that we have interpreted that they were not important or that it bothered us if we expressed them. If we've grown up without being validated by people we respected, we may find it hard to take our side. If we have internalized that in order to be liked we have to be liked by others, we will be afraid of disappointing them. That's why we have to find the patterns that hinder our ability to be assertive so we can reverse them.

• The fear of confrontation.
• The fear of being misunderstood.
• The fear of appearing aggressive or self-centered.
• The fear of hurting or disappointing others.
• The fear of losing your partner, job, friends, etc.
• The need to please others to the detriment of our needs.
• The inability to set healthy boundaries.
• The cultural or family mandates that instill in us to always prioritize others.

A real example to analyze

A client told me that his in-laws had come to visit him and that he had a terrible time. To begin with, they did not go out with their children, they were inside the house all day, and they did not collaborate with the daily chores either. My client and his family lead very active lives and this was a disruption of his ecosystem. When I asked him what triggered his anger, he told me that he felt his in-laws had not been considerate and that they had not noticed how exhausted he and his partner felt from so much serve them.

I asked him why he didn't say anything. I confide that he was afraid to explode instead of speaking, that he did not want to be misunderstood, and that at one point he wondered if it was not selfish to make a statement. Naturally, we started working to heal the causes that were making it impossible for him to be assertive and then we focused on what to do about it.