Has the fear of ghosting changed our way of flirting?

Although it is still possible to meet someone in a bar, it is increasingly common that the way to do so is through social networks or dating applications. In recent years, mobile phones have become indispensable devices in people's daily lives: they have become necessary for work, to carry out bureaucratic procedures, to meet friends, and of course, a large part of the flirting has also moved to the plane virtual.

The digital age has brought with it a transformation in the way that people seek to know someone in terms of affective sex. Although it is true that this way of relating has its advantages, such as the possibility of contacting friends or even people from the other side of the world in the blink of an eye. chat, phenomena such as the ghosting that can illustrate the little affective responsibility that characterizes the ties of this time. In this article we will see what this term refers to and if the fear of ghosting has changed our way of flirting.

Ghosting: What is it?

As I mentioned before, after the advent of the internet as a favorite way to interact, the ties of the 21st century have changed drastically. In our times, as Bauman said, the interpersonal relationships that we establish are liquid.

Liquid bonds tend to be ephemeral. Contrary to the solid relationships prior to postmodernity —in which the search for establishing shared future projects with one another prevailed, as perhaps moving in together or starting a family—, liquid ties favor the present, obtaining immediate pleasure and satisfaction, the freedom of not feeling tied to a other. In a higher dimension of analysis, we could observe that what underlies this form of bonding is the primacy of individualism characteristic of consumer societies.

However, the counterpart of the need for freedom in liquid ties is the lack of commitment to the other. Ghosting is a phenomenon that perfectly illustrates how problematic this tendency can be (especially for the ghosted person). But first we need to understand what this word refers to. Ghosting is an Anglo-Saxon term that derives from the word ghost —that is, ghost—, and refers to the situation in which, when two people carry They have been getting to know each other for a while and it seems that they are beginning to develop a certain degree of affective involvement, poof!, suddenly one of the two disappears for a while. complete. You might not answer the other person's text messages or calls, remove them from your networks social, not appearing in the places where they would normally meet, all of this without explaining the why.

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The lack of affective responsibility in ghosting

The problem with ghosting is that the person who ghosts —that is, the person who vanishes— does not usually give any kind of explanation to the other person. Consequently, the most common thing is that this person begins to suspect that there is some reason why the another does not want to see her anymore, hypothesize about whether she has done something wrong, or experience disappointment, anxiety, and even blame.

In addition, according to a study carried out by a group of researchers from the Erasmus University of Rotterdam that sought to understand the experience of people who ghost and are ghosted, a high percentage of the participants who were ghosted considered that this experience had long-term effects on their mental health, affecting their self-esteem and confidence in other people.

It is important to emphasize that whoever is ghosted is never to blame for it. Ghosting is an attitude that denotes affective irresponsibility on the part of the person who carries it out and not on the person who does it. suffers, since through such behavior they are not considering that their actions will have consequences on the other person. In a couple —although it also applies to any type of relationship, be it an affective sex or no—, it is normal and expected that eventually disagreements, problems or interests arise opposed.

Faced with these difficulties, it is important to maintain assertive communication: express clearly and precisely what the situation is If there is a problem, point out what your own emotions are involved, and also state what you want from the other person about; as long as you listen to what the other has to say. In the case of ghosting, communication by one of the parties is null or deficient with respect to the other. Conflicts are never expressed and, therefore, whoever is ghosted finds himself immersed in a nebula of unresolved unknowns.

It is valid not to want to bond with someone anymore, for whatever reason: you do not feel the same attraction as before, there are certain attitudes of the other that you do not like, or it could even be simply out of lack of interest or boredom, something common in the times that run However, it is necessary to have affective responsibility to be aware that our actions affect the other emotionally and, in case you want to stop seeing the other person, it is important tell why.

Perhaps it is very difficult for our ties to lose that fragility and "liquidity" that characterize them, but otherwise What we can make sure is that, even if we relate in such a way, we do it in the least harmful way possible.

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Has the fear of being ghosted changed our way of flirting?

Taking into account what has been developed, it is possible to determine that yes, it is to be expected that the fear of being ghosted our way of flirting has changed, especially that of those people who were ghosted in the past.

It is possible that this phenomenon has only increased the tendency to "connect, but not fully engage" by fear of giving too much of oneself and that the other will disappear. On the other hand, the possibility of being ghosted could lead many people to look for spaces in which to flirt beyond of the virtual ones, fundamentally face to face, since ghosting is a practice that is more linked to the media digital.

Ultimately, some people might even give up flirting out of fear of being ghosted again; they could fall into the trap of considering that this painful experience has to do with some personal defect and not with the fact that the communication on the part of the person with whom they were linked was little responsible. It is for this reason that we consider it important to emphasize the importance of seeking support from a mental health professional in case you need it due to ghosting.