Assertive communication in a couple: its 4 advantages, and how to enhance it

Have you ever wondered how you communicate with your partner? And she with you? With what words, tone, gestures, etc., do you tell him what you think or what you feel? At what point do you tell him one thing or another?

In this article we will talk about a very effective type of communication, which helps build healthy relationships; It is about assertive communication in the couple. We will learn what it consists of, examples, advantages and techniques to improve it.

• Related article: "Assertive communication: how to express yourself clearly"

How do we communicate with our partner?

Communication within a relationship determines many other aspects of it: their mutual well-being, type of relationship, degree of intimacy, type of coexistence, degree of satisfaction, etc. That is, it is a key factor for a relationship to be healthy, work and be maintained.

Through communication we express our desires, opinions, ideas, things we like, things we don't like so much, things we can't stand or tolerate under any circumstances, etc.

It is thanks to her that we will be able to create a solid and trusting relationship..

Many times it will not be easy, since we will have to reach agreements, negotiate, give in, etc. The important thing is that there is empathy between the two members of the couple that allows them to strengthen their relationship.

Assertive communication in a couple

Before explaining how we can enhance assertive communication in a couple, we are going to explain what assertiveness and, therefore, assertive communication consist of. Assertiveness consists of a way of expressing our ideas, thoughts, desires and feelings, defending our own rights while respecting the other person.

An example of assertiveness is telling our partner: “Although I know you don't mean anything bad, it bothers me that you are late for appointments. Can you try to change this?”

That is, assertiveness It involves being honest with what one wants without being rude or disrespectful.. In a way, it is a middle point between aggressiveness and passivity. Many summarize assertiveness as “the ability to say no”, although it is a slightly more complex element, and encompasses other aspects, as we have seen.

Thus, assertive communication is a type of communication where assertiveness is applied, through what we have explained. That is to say, It involves expressing our thoughts and desires taking into account our rights but also those of the other person.. It is a way of speaking respectfully, making suggestions or expressing opinions without being disrespectful or arrogant or rude.

In this way, when there is assertive communication in the couple, both members of the couple are capable of to express oneself with total freedom, becoming aware of the needs of others but without forgetting their own own. Assertive communication allows us to be ourselves and respect ourselves.

• You may be interested: "The 6 habits of strong relationships"

Advantages

Some of the advantages of assertive communication between couples are:

1. Allows you to set limits

The first advantage of assertive communication in a couple is that it is a type of communication that allows setting certain limits within the couple; These limits can refer to aspects or behaviors that we do not like or that we do not tolerate, for example. Through assertiveness You can “negotiate” with your partner what we like and what we don't like..

2. Allows you to negotiate

Following the previous point, we also find the possibility of negotiating the things we need within the relationship. That is, we can express our needs, but also our desires, preferences, etc.

3. Enhance empathy

Promoting assertive communication in the couple has another advantage, and that is that you help enhance your partner's empathy. Through assertive messages that you send her (in a polite way), she He will be able to put himself in your place, imagining what you feel at that moment and why you ask him for one thing or another., For example.

4. Create a pleasant coexistence

If we are able to tell our partner (and she to us) what we think “openly”, in a respectful and polite way (in definitively, through assertive communication), we will be contributing to creating a climate of well-being and pleasant coexistence within the relationship.

To do this, it is good to use words like: “please”, “thank you”, “you are welcome”, “I am sorry”, etc. The important thing is that we can say the things we think without keeping them to ourselves., as long as they are things that can help improve the relationship.

Techniques to enhance it in your love life

How to improve assertive communication in a couple? Let's see some techniques and tips to enhance or improve it:

1. Choose the moment to say things

Not all topics should be discussed at the same time of day, since there are topics that are more sensitive than others, and in addition, our partner's mood can also influence our choice. Assertive communication in a couple is achieved thanks to taking this and other aspects into account. That is why it is important, in addition to learning to know how to say the things we think, to choose the right moment to do it. This does not mean that sometimes it cannot happen that we must say things quickly or in moments of urgency..

But whenever we can, we should pay attention to how our partner is doing at that moment, if that comment will especially bother them, etc. That is, we must say what we think but adjusting to the context.

2. Use the right words

In addition to choosing the most suitable moment to say certain things or to bring up certain topics, it is also important to choose what words we use to say them. This will improve our assertive communication as a couple. A good idea is to use words or expressions that do not have an absolute or categorical nature.

Besides, We can use kind and grateful expressions that promote closeness; for example “thanks for the suggestion, but I don't think the same as you”, or “I'm sorry if what I'm going to say bothers you, but…”, etc.

3. Be sincere

Assertiveness is based on sincerity. That's why There is no point in embellishing reality, making it up, exaggerating it or even lying about it, because in the end everything ends up knowing, and discovering a lie from your partner is far from maintaining assertive communication. That is, as we have seen, assertiveness is based above all on saying what one thinks, and the basis of this is sincerity.

4. Use appropriate non-verbal language

Another important element when it comes to transmitting what we think is the non-verbal language that we use to do so (this includes gestures, posture, tone of voice...). For example, using an affable tone is not the same as using an aggressive, imperative, hard, soft, close tone, etc. Thus, non-verbal language is as important as verbal language, and that is why Effective and assertive communication will be based on transmitting coherent messages (i.e., coincident) in both its verbal and non-verbal forms.

Specifically, the tone in which we say things greatly influences how the other person receives the information. On the other hand, the gestures that accompany the message must also be appropriate, as well as the posture and distance between the other person (use of personal space).

Bibliographic references:

• Castanyer, O. (2019). (5th Ed.) Applications of assertiveness. Editorial Desclée De Brouwer, Bilbao.
• Gaeta, L. and Galvanovskis, A. (2009). Assertiveness: a theoretical-empirical analysis. Teaching and Research in Psychology, 14(2): 403-425.
• Torroella, G. (2002). To learn to live together. City of Havana, Cuba: Editorial people and education.