Relationships in the Virtual World: what is it and what to do about Ghosting?

The passing of generations, cultural changes and the advancement of technology and computing have led to the use of modern and simple applications. of the digital world (dating apps and social networks) for the vast majority of subjects who seek to relate to another in order to “get to know each other” in a more intimate.

This virtual space that “connects us without uniting us” establishes a mode of contact that each user manages at their convenience, deciding when and how to respond.. Becoming “present” is tied not only to the availability of the writer, but also to a device and internet connection that will account for an “online” state.

What happens when this interaction stops occurring because one of these people simply “disappears” without any notice? This is what we call Ghosting today and it is more common than you think.

How have relationships changed?

We find ourselves in a digital era where the relationship between people is more focused on the use of messaging services, social networks and why not, dating applications when the intention of the link is for “love” purposes, if I may term.

All of these are part of a cyberspace, a virtual plane that we can understand and call a “non-place” that colors the connections that are established with a certain coldness.. In this sense, the type of relationship loses the fluidity that “face to face” allowed, and instead proposes asynchronous conversations where the response is conditioned and controlled by “being available or in line".

Through the different works of Freud (1856-1939), the concept of drive underwent different conceptions and associations with other psychoanalytic terms, but in order to introduce us to The following paragraph will suffice to mention that we understand the “drive” as a “push of energy charge” associated with the psychic functioning of the subject and source of activity of the subject. organism.

Meeting someone with whom to establish a more intimate type of bond today leads us to think of two groups initially.. Each of these has an associated type of drive. We will then have, on the one hand, subjects whose drives will be those with an inhibited goal where no pleasure and instinctual discharge are necessarily sought, but there is an interest and a sustained commitment to time; and on the other hand, another number of subjects where their drives will be those with an uninhibited goal that only They point to discharge and instinctual pleasure, somewhat ephemeral if you will, associated more with erotic love than Romantic.

In these fleeting, casual encounters, of superficial connections and a liquid, elusive love that does not finds second or third chances, a type of virtual behavior that we call is usually reflected. “ghosting”.

What is Ghosting?

This ghosteo, or somewhat “ghost” attitude (that's where the term in English comes from: Ghost) means that one of the parts of the initially established bond (generally of short duration) disappears without leaving trace or response, causing in the other a feeling of confusion, anxiety and even, sometimes, distress. Ghosting can manifest itself in different ways.

Regarding its scope, for example, it may also be accompanied by some type of restriction or blocking in the applications used until then. If we think about it in terms of duration, some people begin to show a decrease in contact, as if it were gradual, and then finally disappear.

This action can lead us to think that issues of self-esteem or insecurity come into play on the side of the person doing the ghosting, using this type of means or platforms, which, although they may not guarantee anonymity (depending on the information shared until then), do, on the contrary, allow them to act in this way “without giving the expensive".

Additionally, it is worth mentioning that the person who performs ghosting does not have the characteristics of an empathetic person, otherwise they would not carry out this behavior.. This last point can be related to the type of attachment. What are we talking about when we say “attachment”? According to the Psychoanalyst John Bowlby (1907-1990), we can classify the types of attachment into: secure/insecure and ambivalent, with attachment understanding the experience in terms of care and affection that a child experiences during the first years of life from those who play the role of parents or significant close people in the first place instance.

If those first bonding experiences in childhood were good in quantity and quality, we will be talking about a secure attachment. The flip side would be an insecure attachment; and if we have experienced a little of both at different times during childhood, we could find ourselves with an ambivalent attachment.

Now, if the experience of the person who ghosts with a significant other, during that period, has not provided them with some protection, consideration, affection, care and containment (insecure attachment), it is likely that your behavior towards another person currently lacks the same.

This does not mean that someone who has experienced a type of secure attachment cannot carry out a ghosting behavior, but it is more likely that you have other tools to avoid having to fall into it. In a situation of this nature, the following recommendation is important:

• Do not try to excuse or seek explanations for the other's behavior (e.g. they must have a lot of work...)
• Don't take it personally, or look for responsibility in yourself (Ex: I didn't do such a thing, so that's why he disappeared/he got offended...)
• Don't get obsessed with the idea of ​​having to find out or investigate what happened.
• Knowing who we are and what we are worth will not necessarily prevent us from going through the ghosting experience, but it will help us not suffer from it.