I have fallen in love with two people at the same time: what to do?

There are people who suffer because they feel dissatisfied with the poverty of their love life; others, however, suffer from the opposite: being doubly in love. Especially when it comes to reciprocated love and the doubt arises. “What to do and who to choose if I have fallen in love with two people at the same time”.

In this article we will delve into the latter case and explore possible solutions.

Is it possible to fall in love with two people at the same time?

Falling in love is usually understood as a psychological phenomenon in which the mental representation of the person we love “expands” until occupy almost all of our psychological activity, due to a mix of emotions linked to well-being and the fear of losing that connection, that bond. Is a bittersweet combination of thoughts that make us feel euphoria and anxiety at the same time, and that take any thought that does not have to do with the tasks that must be urgently attended to in the short term towards the terrain of love.

Let's say that it is an experience that consumes attentional resources and that guides our consciousness towards the memories and fantasies linked to the idea of ​​being with that person: it is the famous “everything reminds me of he she". When we fall in love, it is easy for the faces of strangers to make us think of that special person due to a very subtle resemblance; When trying to concentrate to study we get distracted thinking about that last conversation together During the previous day, when we go out into the street in our neighborhood, we pay attention in case it happens to us. we find…

However, human experiences are very diverse and plural, and exceptions are always there; That is why there are people who fall in love with two people at the same time, despite everything above. It's complicated to happen, but it happens. There are those who, in some way, They have the time and energy to feed, in parallel, the thoughts linked to falling in love with two different people.. Which is an experience as intense as it is exhausting and, obviously, generating a lot of unease, because it usually comes with the doubt of what to do, who to choose.

In conclusion: yes, it is technically possible to fall in love with two people at the same time. However, these cases are relatively rare and, in addition, it must be taken into account that it is common to confuse falling in love with other very intense feelings. Let's look at it in the next section.

Cases of false double infatuation

As we have seen so far, one of the characteristics of falling in love is that, by its very nature, we are predisposed to feel it towards a specific person and not towards others. But to this we must add another fact: some cases of double falling in love are not real, but rather arise from a low emotional intelligence and very limited abilities to adequately identify feelings. This explains why “falling in love with two people at the same time” is a little more common than it should be, because part of these situations are based on a misunderstanding.

For example, there are those who fall in love with two people at the same time due to suggestion or even auto-suggestion. Let's think about the person who had already fallen in love with someone, but then receives the news that her family wants him to marry someone else and organizes dates so that the flame of love arises. In these situations, social pressure can turn any experience that is not unpleasant or in which there is a certain sexual attraction into an apparent “fall in love”: if the date has not been a disaster, there is a certain chemistry and there are many expectations placed on that relationship to work, it is relatively easy to imagine in a very vivid way the infatuation

It may also happen that some people believe they are doubly in love when they fear that this will happen. It is a phenomenon similar to psychosomatic diseases: If there is a fear that a courtship or marriage will wither due to the birth of another person, that emotional reaction can cause us to confuse fear with love.

In short, since falling in love is not a primary emotion, but rather a feeling that brings together complex mental processes based on abstract thoughts, this leaves a lot of room for confusion, especially in those who have not trained their ability to recognize their states emotional. In these situations, it is advisable to go to a psychologist.

• Related article: "The 3 most important Theories of Love"

What to do if I have fallen in love with two people at the same time?

Well, at this point we already take for granted the idea that you have fallen in love with two people, be they men, women or one of each; The rules to follow are fundamentally the same regardless of each person's sex. Now comes the most delicate part: what to do and how to approach this decision-making? To continue, keep the following guidelines in mind:

1. Allow a reasonable amount of time

This first step, which should not last more than a couple of weeks, has the main objective of ensuring that what you are experiencing is a viable love affair based on a real experience. We must not forget that even if you have truly fallen in love, this infatuation can be based on a mirage, because this first stage of love as a couple is based on an idealization of the other. Distancing yourself from these people will help you see what is happening to you in perspective and know, more clearly, how you feel and how those people feel. But beware; This first step only works when you have not yet started a relationship and, in a sense, you do not owe anyone an explanation because you have not established a commitment.

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2. If the relationship has stabilized, both should know how you feel

This is not simply a moral issue, of “doing the right thing” in an abstract sense and benefiting humanity. If you have fallen in love with two people at the same time and there is a certain commitment to one or both, you must communicate it for the simple reason that if you don't, sooner or later The relationship will enter a crisis due to emotional instability and the inability to understand what you do and what you feel (from the other's point of view). person).

Also, put the cards on the table It will allow you to address the problem without being tied up and without repeating dysfunctional behavior patterns to hide what is happening to you.. Have an honest conversation and in a context that allows you to explain yourself well and without distractions. Make it clear that if he doesn't want it, that doesn't mean the relationship should end, and that you are capable of maintaining a relationship of commitment despite everything, in the sense that you will not act unilaterally and without respecting the person who also feels something for you.

3. Consider a non-monogamous relationship

This option is not for everyone and does not mean breaking the commitment; It simply consists of questioning the idea that this type of love should only be experienced by a couple. The consensus and pacts to build something in the long term must continue to be there., because otherwise it will be a frustrating and unsatisfying experience due to the uncertainty it will generate. In any case, preferring to opt for the “traditional” couple model is by no means the worst option, nor is it a defeat.

4. Listen to the other person

The decision must be informed by what the person or people who have feelings for you feel. Listen and be aware of their priorities, their fears and their future plans.

5. Set a deadline to choose

You must make a decision by defining a key point at which you will communicate what you want, with which person you would like to continue having that bond. To do it, It is advisable to set your sights on the medium and long term., and not in the short term. Don't forget that falling in love only lasts a few months, and ends up extinguishing to give way to mature love.

Are you looking for psychological assistance services?

If you are interested in having the support of a psychologist, contact me.

My name is Tomás Santa Cecilia and I specialize in the application of cognitive-behavioral psychology; I can help you in person or through online sessions.