Love burnout: what it is and how it affects us

Although it may surprise us, some relationships can become stressful in the long run. and, despite that, not lead to a situation where someone decides to cut off and put an end to that bond. There are those who live together for years and, at the same time, see how their mental health deteriorates due to the psychological wear and tear that this courtship produces. or marriage, they remain blocked, without deciding to return to singleness or to adopt truly effective measures to end that dynamic. harmful

Love burnout is a phenomenon that affects many couples. in which the fact of suffering from staying in that relationship is normalized. And without the appropriate communication and emotional management skills, that initial infatuation can give way to a stagnation generating discomfort, exhaustion and stress holidays from constant conflicts and the feeling of loneliness.

Since it is important to know the characteristics and warning signs associated with love burnout, in this article we will see what it consists of, how to identify it, and what to do about it.

What is love burnout?

Relationships occupy a good part of the hours of the week of those who are in a marriage or courtship, and only for This fact, everything that happens in this area of ​​life has a great capacity to affect us psychologically, for better or worse. evil. But, in addition to this, we must not lose sight of the fact that it also influences us because of its importance in qualitative terms, and not only because of the amount of time we dedicate to it: Life as a couple is connected to our self-esteem and sense of identity, to our future plans and values, to our priorities when deciding how we want to live, etc

For all this, Knowing or not knowing how to emotionally manage this type of love bond is something that makes the difference., and this becomes clear when we are faced with a case of love burnout, which, despite not being an “official” psychopathology, described in diagnostic manuals at the moment, is something that is seen relatively frequently in therapy sessions of couple.

Burnout syndrome in love, also called “love burnout,” is a set of forms of emotional discomfort that appears in romantic relationships. couple in crisis; It can be described as an anxious-depressive condition generated by months or even years of problems in managing coexistence in a marriage or courtship, which has led to a feeling of stagnation that generates stress and hopelessness about the future of that relationship loving.

On the other hand, love burnout shares many of its characteristics with work burnout, an extreme situation in which the person is not able to meet their professional obligations due to excessive work or due to an inability to manage the time of their day and the emotions linked to communication dynamics and distractions. After all, a relationship can also be seen as a system of expectations and needs that must be met through involvement in various daily tasks: responsibilities for self-care, care for others, and care for the relationship itself and the communication within it. If these “three fronts” of work are left aside and the situation drags on for several months, this affectation tends to appear.

Love burnout is similar to burnout syndrome or work burnout in the fact that there is progressive and increasingly more burnout. harmful in a context in which one or more people are expected to attend to various responsibilities but this does not happen, which produces a feeling of “pending responsibilities and unaddressed problems” that accumulate and do not allow us to have a panoramic view of the problem due to the feeling of urgency. As a consequence, an ambivalent feeling appears: people feel that they should be investing their time and effort in solving these accumulated problems in relation to “what they "we owe" to that courtship or marriage, but the anxiety and stress that this produces makes them prefer to remain in a passive state in which demotivation and disappointment predominate. It is assumed that this relationship is a source of discomfort that must be dealt with so as not to have to face major changes. in the form of a breakup or breaking through that blockage by talking about what is happening and trying to find a solution to it.

• Related article: "How do you know when to go to couples therapy?"

Warning signs: How does love burnout affect us?

The main characteristic of love burnout is that both members of the couple have difficulties living together and constant problems that they are not able to fix, although Despite this conflictive atmosphere, they are unable to break off the romantic relationship.

“Burned” couples remain united by several cohesive elements (love, passion, sex, etc.) but in their daily lives they live in constant situations of stress, conflicts, fights or negative emotions that cause great discomfort to both members of the family. same.

Since no person is the same as another, couples who have love burnout syndrome suffer some problems both physically and emotionally. psychological that have been studied in the field of psychology and that can be classified into certain categories that affect the entire body in a similar way. world.

Here you can see a summary of the main effects that burnout syndrome has on couples and its main manifestations.

1. Constant discussions

Love burnout is based on a permanent spiral of conflicts and constant arguments within the couple, which end undermining the mental health of both people and contributing to generating a climate of tension, resentment and increasingly unrest. heated.

The constant discrepancies in the couple, fights, conflicts and arguments occur alternately with periods of loving reconciliation, a circular dynamic that ends up affecting the mental health of people involved in burnout.

These arguments originate from a lack of communication between the couple, as well as a lack of commitment, common dreams and aspirations or skills to solve social problems. coexistence.

• You may be interested: "Tips to better manage couple arguments"

2. emotional dependency

The appearance of increasingly intense emotional states ends up causing the person or people in the relationship to develop an emotional dependence on their partner in which they need daily and increasingly more of their affection, love and recognition.

Emotionally dependent people tend to develop their dependence in states of burnout., since to repair the discomfort of frequent arguments they need constant affection from their partners and in increasingly higher doses.

3. Unattainable demands for affection

This increasingly high demand for affection is unacceptable for both members of the couple, which contributes to generating more and more discomfort and a more unpleasant, stressful and exhausting environment.

As with any dependency, the person addicted to affection needs increasingly higher doses of affection, attention and recognition, something that if they do not receive, their health deteriorates enormously.

4. Insecurity and feeling of loneliness

Insecurity and lack of belief in one's own possibilities often end up causing the person to take excessive responsibility for the failures of the relationship.

This contributes to generating a situation of eroding love burnout within the couple. Likewise, also It is common in these types of cases for people to not trust their partners, to be jealous, or to consider that their partner only supports them when they want something in return..

The constant search for love, affection, affection or attention contributes to the person feeling increasingly alone, considering that their partner does not love them or does not care for them properly.

Emotionally dependent people often end up feeling very alone, as there comes a point where they need the other person. to levels that cannot occur in the present circumstances, and they can end up blaming themselves and suffering a lot when they do not have access to she.

• Related article: "Unwanted loneliness: what it is and how we can combat it"

5. A feeling of exhaustion appears quickly after exchanging a few words

In this private context of discomfort and suffering, Both physical and intellectual exhaustion is another of the basic characteristics of love burnout..

This exhaustion is generally caused by excessive effort for the couple to move forward and also by the constant arguments that occur within the couple.

In addition to that, states of stress and excessive discomfort also generate exhaustion that greatly affects people's mental health.

6. Anxiety

The anxiety and stress are very common psychological disorders that people with a state of burnout can end up developing. The fact of constantly exposing oneself to high levels of stress and anguish, in addition, It can cause physical effects, especially in the digestive system (belly pains) and skin..

Causes of this problem in love relationships

Generally, love burnout appears in the couple, in part, due to a lack of self-esteem and confidence in oneself, in one or both members of the couple. The belief that “you are not enough” to fully satisfy the other and to tackle this relationship crisis by providing a solution, it leads the person to adopt a passive-aggressive attitude and not confront the problem.

On the other hand, another of the common causes of love burnout is inexperience in managing communication dynamics: There are those who assume that the other person knows what we need from them and what needs to be done at all times, because they do not stop to think about what they know or do not know; as if the simple fact of living together and loving each other already means that those two people can read each other's minds. Not noticing these communication blocks leads to misunderstandings and a feeling of stagnation and loneliness.

In addition to that, this situation can also be caused by a lack of commitment, an inability to resolve conflicts internal problems, or a different evolution of people, who end up finding themselves in different life stages with values ​​and priorities that are little compatible.

What to do to solve it?

These are some tips to keep in mind to overcome a relationship crisis caused by love burnout:

• Set a date and time to talk about how you perceive the problem (taking that step helps you not postpone it indefinitely).
• Coordinate your schedules to have enough quality hours together weekly.
• Don't let taboo topics appear that you avoid talking about (sex, future plans, relationships with extended family, etc.)
• Avoid arguing about important topics when you are very angry; Agree on another time to talk about it.
• Go to couples therapy to have a space in which to talk without fear of interruptions and being criticized, and in which to seek solutions with the mediation of a professional.

Do you want to have psychological assistance for couples?

If you want to start a couples therapy process, contact me.

My name is Blanca Ruiz and I have more than a decade of experience helping people with emotional and communication problems.