70 funny and witty phrases to laugh

Are you looking for funny phrases to have a good time? In this article we collect 70 funny phrases and famous humor quotes, so you can share with your friends.

A selection of the funniest and most ingenious phrases by anonymous or famous authors, which will make you laugh and reflect from humor.

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The best 70 funny and witty phrases to laugh

These witty and humorous phrases will brighten your day and make you smile.

1. The intelligence chases me but I'm faster

One of the most witty funny phrases, ideal for joking with someone about your own intelligence.

2. The important thing is not to know, but to have the phone number you know

Because sometimes what matters is not knowing everything, but having access to information.

3. I do not suffer from madness, I enjoy it every minute

Another funny and witty phrase about insanity, which is sometimes very subjective.

4. Having a clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory

One of the many phrases of the comedian Steven Wright, who jokes that no one can have a completely clear conscience.

5. Don't take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive

Elbert Hubbard was a writer and artist who left us famous and funny phrases like this.

6. I refuse to join any club that would accept me as a member

Groucho Marx also has a good collection of funny phrases, some as famous as this one.

7. If the mountain comes towards you? Run, it's a landslide!

An ingenious phrase that jokes with the saying "If the mountain does not go to Muhammad, Muhammad goes to the mountain."

8. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be happy to make an exception

Another phrase from Groucho Marx that we can dedicate to someone we don't want to hear from again.

9. I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens

The director and actor Woody Allen also leaves us countless funny phrases, many of which joke about death.

10. I usually cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to my food

American comedian and actor W. C. Fields delivered this perfect phrase for those who love to drink.

11. Better late, because in the morning I sleep

This clever catchphrase jokes about the popular saying “better late than never,” and puts a comedic twist on it.

12. Absolute truth does not exist, and this is absolutely true

Another phrase to reflect on, funny because of the contradiction it manifests.

13. It is better to shut up and look stupid than to speak up and clear your doubts for good.

Again Groucho Marx shows off his wit with this funny phrase, that many could be applied.

14. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else

Anthropologist Margaret Mead jokes with this phrase about people who feel special, and who after all are like everyone else.

15. There are two words that will open many doors for you: "pull" and "push"

If this phrase doesn't make you smile, you lack a sense of humor.

16. When a woman says “what?” To you, it's not that she hasn't listened to you. She is giving you a chance to change what you said

Sure that many people with a partner feel identified with this phrase and they will know that it is better to change the answer.

17. Sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand

Woody Allen also has a good compilation of witty quotes about sex, like this one where he jokes about being alone and self-pleasure.

18. He who is born poor and ugly, he has great possibilities that when he grows up... both conditions develop

Or you may be lucky instead and end up like Cristiano Ronaldo.

19. I don't believe in an afterlife, but, just in case, I've changed my underwear

Another funny phrase from Woody Allen about death and what awaits us beyond.

20. Crazy like me, she needs a screw like you

This is one nice and funny phrase to dedicate to your boyfriend or the person you like.

• Related article: "70 different love phrases to dedicate to your loved one”

21. Since loving each other doesn't work, why don't we try loving each other?

Phrase that he pronounces the character of Mafalda in her comic strip, that she always uses humor with ingenuity.

22. There is a better world, but it is very expensive

You can get to live better, but that always usually costs money.

23. Outside the dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside the dog it's probably too dark to read

Another funny phrase from Groucho Marx that plays on double meanings.

24. I can resist everything but temptation

Writer Oscar Wilde was famous for his wit, which is well shown in this sentence.

25. Laziness is the mother of all vices, and as a mother... you have to respect it

Funny phrase that can be used as justification by the most lazy and lazy.

26. Age is something that does not matter, unless you are a cheese

Phrase by Luis Buñuel that many of us can use on our next birthdays.

27. I'm not completely useless, at least I serve as a bad example

Even those with the most flaws can be of use to something, according to this clever phrase.

28. I have to go to the eye doctor, but I never see the moment

A funniest phrase for its pun. Do you see the joke?

29. Some marriages end well; others last a lifetime

Another phrase from Woody Allen about love and relationships, this time joking about marriage.

30. I just wanted to tell you that someone cares, not me, but someone does

Funny but cheeky phrase, only suitable to use with those friends with whom we have more confidence.

31. Life would be tragic if it weren't fun

The recently deceased Stephen Hawking left us this phrase about life and the importance of humor.

32. Sorry if you were right i would agree with you

Actor Robin Williams was known for his comical performances and for his funny and witty lines.

33. Here's to alcohol! Cause and at the same time solution of all the problems of life

This phrase is pronounced by Homer's character in The Simpsons, a series characterized by telling great truths through large doses of humor.

34. Children, you have made an effort, and for what? No way. The moral is: don't make an effort

Again another classic and fun phrase that Homer pronounces in The Simpsons.

35. Don't worry, at most the worst day of your life will only last 24 hours.

Phrase with which we can try cheer someone up with a little humor, or at least try to get a smile.

36. I am so smart that sometimes I do not understand a single word of what I am saying

With this phrase you can err on the side of credulity, but Oscar Wilde was worthy of pronouncing it.

37. Go to heaven for the weather, and to hell for the company

A funny rhyming phrase from the writer Mark Twain, who is right.

38. The clearest indication that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never attempted to contact us.

The Calvin and Hobbes comic strip was also characterized by saying great truths through scathing humor. An example is this phrase.

39. The secret of life is honesty and fair treatment. If you can fake it, you've got it done

Another ingenious phrase from the great Groucho Marx, who is also right.

40. The woman who has no luck with men... she doesn't know how lucky she is

As with alcohol, men can also be the cause and solution of all our problems.

41. These are my principles. If you do not like, I have others

One of the most famous phrases that have always been attributed to Groucho Marx, although its origin is not very clear.

42. Save water. Don't shower alone

We can use this clever phrase to flirt with another person or use it as an invitation.

43. Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you will sleep alone

The writer Anthony Burgess changes the famous phrase of the poet Ella Wheeler Wilcox “Laugh and the world will laugh with you; cry and you will cry alone ”, adding the humorous twist of snoring.

44. You have to work eight hours and sleep eight hours, but not the same

Unless your work pays you to sleep. Another funny phrase from Woody Allen.

45. My son, happiness is made of small things: A small yacht, a small mansion, a small fortune ...

Little things are sometimes very expensive. Another laugh line from Groucho Marx.

46. You are not Google, but you have everything I am looking for ...

A funny phrase to use as a flirtation or to let the person we want know that they are perfect.

47. It's not true that every past time was better. What happened was that those who were worse still had not realized

Again Mafalda combines social denunciation and humor in a single sentence.

48. Since women are better at producing babies, presumably nature has given men some talent to make up for it. But I still haven't found it

The writer and scientist Arthur C. Clarke was also known for his sarcasm, and this line is a great example.

49. I always wanted to be someone, but now I realize I should have been more specific

Comedian and screenwriter Lily Tomlin has this line so funny that she jokes about getting to "be somebody."

50. Life is hard. After all, she kills you

Quote by Katharine Hepburn, known for being one of the smartest and smartest actresses in Hollywood.

51. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid

Hedy Lamarr was also a highly valued actress for her beauty, but she was always more than just a pretty face.

• Related article: "7 incredible women from history to remember (and that you may not have known)”

52. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full

Henry Kissinger displayed his sarcastic humor when pronouncing this phrase that jokes with the inevitability of some events.

53. My parents didn't used to hit me; they did it only once: they started in February 1940 and ended in May 43

Another funny phrase from the American actor and director Woody Allen.

54. Sex is the most fun you can do without laughing

Sex was a recurring theme in Woody Allen's humor, as this phrase shows.

55. I used to think that I'm indecisive, but now I'm not sure

Another phrase to laugh that plays with the grace of contradictions.

56. My woman and I were happy during 20 years. Then we met

Actor and comedian Rodney Dangerfield jokes about unhappiness after marriage.

57. Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it a thousand times

Writer Mark Twain jokes about the difficulty of quitting tobacco, one of the biggest vices for many people.

58. If you're going to do something tonight that you'll regret tomorrow morning, sleep late

Phrase as funny as it is witty, which was left by comedian Henny Youngman.

59. Marriage is the main cause of divorce

Another funny phrase about the unhappiness of marriages. This is from Groucho Marx.

60. We are all here on earth to help others; what I don't know is why the others are here

Phrase of the poet and essayist W. H. Auden, to reflect with humor.

61. I don't want to work as a bus driver, because I don't like passing things

Another of the best funny phrases for its witty play on words.

62. A hangover is the wrath of grapes

The playwright Dorothy Parker takes advantage of the famous novel "The Grapes of Wrath" by John Steinbeck to make this funny word game.

63. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty years old. Now he's ninety-seven, and we don't know where the hell he is

Ellen DeGeneres is currently one of the most popular and respected comedians in show business, this phrase is an example of her humor.

64. The problem with having an open mind is, of course, that people insist on trying to put things into it.

Director and screenwriter Terry Pratchett talks humorously about persuasion attempts that fall on those who think differently.

65. Comedy is just a fun way to be serious

Sometimes humor serves to treat serious issues in a different way. This phrase by the actor and writer Peter Ustinov sums it up well.

66. My psychiatrist told me that he was crazy; I asked for a second opinion and he told me he was ugly too

Another funny phrase ideal to share on networks or make your friends laugh.

67. My God, give me patience, but please give it to me now!

Patience is a virtue that not everyone has.

68. Two things are for sure: the universe and human stupidity; and i'm not sure about the first

One of the most popular phrases of Albert Einstein, who enjoyed a great sense of humor.

69. Children are smarter than any of us. Do you know how I know? I do not know a single child with a full time job and children

Bill Hicks was an American stand-up comedian and stand-up comedian, with a very sarcastic sense of humor.

70. I plan to live forever or die trying

We finish the list of one of the funniest and most ingenious phrases of Groucho Marx.