Toxic mothers: these 12 traits make them unbearable

In the family domain there are all kinds of people who, in certain cases, can make education in our first years of life a very negative experience.

And there is no natural law according to which the relationship with mothers and fathers has to be easy. Many times, the context in which it is lived, or hard experiences lived in the past, cause the way in which we interact with some family members to be distorted. In this case we will talk about a phenomenon that may be known as "toxic mothers".

What are toxic mothers like?

Mothers, because of their traditional role as caregivers that is still preserved in many countries and partly also because of the special bond of attachment that they establish with their children during breastfeeding, are a fundamental element in this aspect, and their influence on upbringing is usually more decisive than that of the parents.

Those toxic mothers who are toxic voluntarily or involuntarily and who, moved by love or self-interest, transform some people's education into an ordeal, they can leave a mark on the people raised by them.

• Related article: "Toxic Families: 4 Ways They Cause Mental Disorders"

These are people who establish a negative bond with their sons or daughters, to the point of making actions that in principle can be based on love and affection become a strap that limits the freedom and well-being of the neighbor.

Despite what it may seem, the responsibility that the relationship is not good it doesn't have to be entirely from the mother. Relationships are two-way roads, and as bad as a bond may seem, many times the two people involved could be doing something to improve it.

Now, what characterizes toxic mothers is that, although sometimes they are not to blame for the 100% bad relationship, the sacrifice of having to carry children With this relationship, it can be such a heavy slab that, despite being able to find ways to improve the situation, this option is unaffordable, because it would require suffering a lot for more weather. Therefore, many times the situation leads to loss of contact.

Voluntarily or involuntarily toxic mothers: their characteristics

Knowing how to identify the cases in which someone behaves like a toxic mother is very important to put a stop to the situation and make this adult re-learn to educate in a adequate.

 These are some of the signs that can be useful when identifying them. Not all of them have to happen at the same time, but they offer a guideline about their behavior.

1. Fixation with gender roles

Some mothers are toxic because they feel they must pass on to their daughters the cultural legacy of what being a woman is supposed to represent. That is why, they will inadvertently pressure their daughters to be submissive to men and to see household chores as their responsibility (regardless of their actual preferences).

Extremely conservative toxic father figures do not usually care so much about educating their daughters in this regard, but leave this task to mothers.

2. The illusion of "prince charming"

A problem derived from the previous one is that toxic mothers with a very conservative profile educate their daughters in the idea that they will not be happy without a man by their side.

In this way, they are educated to feel sadness and regret if, for whatever reason, they are single during a time that they consider excessive, and they become involved in relationships simply to escape the singleness.

3. Controlling personality

This is a characteristic of toxic mothers that is reflected in the way they educate their sons and daughters. In these cases, mothers tend to assume that as a mother figure they should bear the maximum responsibility for the education of their sons and daughters, to the point that the latter have no decision-making capacity about what make.

Of course, it is a very harmful idea that fuels a relationship dynamic in which any choice must go through the mother, leaving the little ones without the possibility of learning to be autonomous and learn from their successes and mistakes.

4. The projection on the sons and daughters

This is a characteristic shared by both toxic mothers and their male counterparts: the tendency to believe that their offspring will become the "ideal self" that they never became. That is why, sometimes, many fathers and mothers point their children to such a number of activities extracurricular activities that the latter end up exhausted and without time or desire to devote to what they like about truth.

Furthermore, as toxic mothers and toxic fathers perceive their offspring always taking into account the fact that they belong to a generation, they see this as a race against time: they want to make their children perfect in the shortest time possible. For this reason, sometimes they begin to "train" certain capacities of these when they are very young, before 7 or 8 years, and force them to continue practicing over the years.

5. Mistrusting friends

Some toxic parents can assume so much the role of protective woman that they prohibit their children and daughters make friends with people they consider suspicious, even if it is for their simple appearance. This, of course, produces intense frustration in the little ones, who can learn that friendships are kept secret, thus creating a fence between the circle of friends and the family that in adult life can lead to the isolation of the latter.

In addition, in some cases, the criteria by which a friend is established as acceptable becomes a show of racism, with which this discriminatory mental scheme is instilled in their descendants since their first years.

6. Passive-aggressive attitude

Toxic mothers do not adapt to the fact that the way they try to educate is totally rejected, and they will continue to try to behave as in the beginning, without learning from the experience.

What does usually change is her state of mind, which usually happens to be that of a frustrated person that gives up changing strategies to see if better results are obtained. Normally, in these cases, the help of another person is necessary so that these mothers can see in perspective that their discomfort can be mitigated by trying new things.

7. Indifference

There are mothers who, instead of being controlling, are the exact opposite. On many occasions, they disguise as permissiveness what in reality is indifference or little desire to manage clashes of interests between them and the little ones.

The result of this is usually small that present the Emperor Syndrome and, as adults, helpless people in adult life, who easily fall into frustration and with low tolerance to anxiety-generating situations.

8. Overprotection

Overprotection has a lot to do with the controlling personality, but it occurs through the fear that the sons or daughters face the challenges of adult life. This way of relating to sons and daughters gives incentives not to take the initiative and stay within the comfort zone.

9. Competitive mindset

This is another of the characteristic features of toxic mothers that have to do with projection; In this case, an attempt is made to show before everyone's eyes that one's sons or daughters are better than those of the rest, either by buying them more things, putting more pressure on them to study, etc. This may have to do with the fear that children are unprotected in their adult and independent life, but it is psychologically exhausting.

The important thing is that it is not done to satisfy the real needs of the little ones, but to get social status through them.

10. Habitual use of violence to punish

The habitual use of methods of punishment based on violence, whether physical or verbal through insults, is one of the most damaging phenomena that can occur in the family. Not only does it cause suffering in the specific moments when it is involved, but it also fuels mistrust, resentment and fear.

11. Parental alienation

The act of trying to turn the children against a family member, usually the other parent after a separation or divorce, is one of the forms of manipulation with the most serious consequences. Of course, it can occur in both fathers and mothers.

12. Meddling

Even within families, privacy is important. Not knowing how to respect that generates a lot of discomfort in the long run.

Bibliographic references:

• Bowlby, J. (1977). The making and breaking of affectional bonds. The British Journal of Psychiatry, 130 (3): pp. 201 - 210.
• Fassin, Eric. (2002). La nature de la maternite: pour une anthropologie de la reproduction. Journal of anthropologues.
• Fehr, B., Russell, J. (1991). The Concept of Love Viewed From a Prototype Perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
• Peusner, Pablo (2009). Critique of the notion of family in The Suffering of Children. Letter Viva, Buenos Aires.