How to argue with your partner in a constructive way: 8 tips

Couple arguments are practically inevitable. Sooner or later, in a love relationship there are moments in which there are conflicts of interest or expectations, or misunderstandings arise.

So the problem is not whether or not to argue about it, but how to do it. In this article we will see some key ideas about how to argue with your partner in the most constructive way possible.

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How to argue with your partner by managing communication well

It is clear that the arguments are frequent, and practically everyone has been through them. However, it is also true that we tend to associate the word "discussion" with moments of great anger in which two or more people yell at each other and express their frustration, even though this is not So.

In reality, arguing only means dealing with a problem and the reasons for or against it in two ways to approach it, regardless of whether there are feelings of anger or not.

Of course, the more personal and intimate a personal relationship is, the more delicate the discussions, so it is advisable to know how to manage it. And the realm of the couple is one of the examples of this.

So, let's look at several tips on how to argue with your partner in a constructive and oriented to conflict resolution through dialogue.

1. Detect the fundamental problem to be treated

This is the first necessary step to discuss constructively. It is something that must be done between the two members of the couple, and that helps to get the discussion on track and provide tools to don't let the subject change.

2. Approach the discussion as a communicative matter

There are those who are tempted to turn arguments into a battle in which they must be victorious and defeated. This frontist logic is totally contrary to the nature of constructive discussions, which are approached as a communicative phenomenon.

3. Distinguish feelings from facts

It is essential that in a love relationship a distinction is made between what is felt and what is done, since only the second can be known by the other from objective facts.

Thus, if in a discussion there are complaints about how bad one feels in certain circumstances related to the love life in common, it must be understood that this in itself is not something that the other person has done. What can be treated by assigning responsibilities is what has been done by the other person and that has been able to facilitate the emergence of those emotions.

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4. You have to know how to use pauses

In the moments when it seems that one of the people involved in the couple's discussion begins to feel visibly frustrated and angry, you have to stop a short pause to lower your tone and relax. This can be communicated explicitly, since it is a perfectly valid reason to delay the exchange of arguments for a few minutes or seconds.

5. Don't bring up old conflicts

Another issue related to the renunciation of discussions as contexts in which to "beat" the other is the renunciation of using these moments to vent and wanting to accuse the other for any issue that is irrelevant, using any excuse.

Any attempt to change the subject to bring up old personal grudges should be viewed as a red flag, reason in itself for not giving explanations on that topic and redirecting the discussion towards the topic treaty.

6. Do not interrupt

Something as simple as it is essential. If this principle is not respected, naturally the tone of the voice will rise, causing that the type of personal implication that is printed on the discussion also changes and entering the competitive logic for being the one who has the last word.

7. Reframe what the other says

In key moments in which you have both expressed your fundamental ideas, it is good to try to explain with your own words what the other has said. This serves both to show respect for the other's ideas and to help better understand the other person, by giving them the opportunity to correct us.

8. Practice assertiveness

Excesses related to anger and anger is not the only problem to prevent in a couple argument. What's more, there is a risk that one of the parties involved will not say everything they think regarding the subject matter, either due to insecurity or the adoption of a passive-aggressive attitude.

Bibliographic references:

• Harvey, J. H., Ormarzu, J. (1997). "Minding the close relationship". Personality and Social Psychology Review. 1: pp. 223 - 239.
• Tennov, Dorothy (1979). Love and Limerence: the Experience of Being in Love. New York: Stein and Day.
• Townsend, J. (1998). "What Women Want, What Men Want" Oxford University Press, United Kingdom.