"I love you, but I don't like you anymore": about heartbreak

Surely, after an age and with a certain maturity and lived experiences, we can all talk about some love that is over without really knowing why. It is very easy to find articles on the Internet that talk about the suffering of heartbreak, but what happens to us inside?

Let's start from a fact that, even today, many people find it difficult to accept: Love comes and goes in the brain; the heart only sets a few rhythms, and heartbreak follows a logic that goes beyond whether a person has simply stopped "liking us".

• Related article: "Healing a broken heart: 7 keys to coping with heartbreak"

Love is a habit, an addiction

There are studies that affirm that love arises in the limbic system, What is it the part of the brain from which our emotions are born. A chemical called phenylethylamine is released, causing a feeling of euphoria, just like some drugs do.

Other substances secreted by the human body whose levels are altered with love are dopamine (related to the learning mechanism), the noradrenaline

(basically the one in charge of our heart racing in the presence of our loved one) and serotonin (regulates the mood).

We understand then, from these alterations, that when we are in love we are entities that dance on the air, with a silly smile on our faces and constant ups and downs of mood.

Alterations have also been detected in the area of ​​perception, which could clarify that we see our partner in an idealized way and whose apparent perfection makes her more special than any other person.

But from love to hate, there is only one step... Maybe less. The neurologist Semir Zeki discovered in one of his investigations how it occurs the activation of the same brain regions during the process of falling in love and hatred, causing opposite reactions, yes.

And heartbreak arrives... suddenly?

When it comes to investigating a little more about the process of heartbreak, it is difficult to find articles that explain what happens to us when we take the active role, that is, the decision to break up. They all seem to focus on reviving the poor being who has been unilaterally abandoned (hint: it's a matter of time and attitude).

By now you have surely read that what we understand as "falling in love" lasts around two years (four for those who see a glass half full). The heartbreak process does not usually come suddenly; it is almost always a gradual and painful process, and it is also a result, in part, of brain activity.

The brain, with the passage of time, causes less and less all the chemical substances mentioned above, such as dopamine, to be secreted. These substances made us be alienated (sorry, in love) and see the other person as perfect. And, little by little, they remove the handkerchief from our eyes and we are able to be more "objective" about our partner, seeing flaws easier and feeling negative emotions.

Suffer that heartbreak does not always entail a break; can evolve to another type of stronger and more objective relationship. To see the other person as they really are, and not as we want them to be, we need enough emotional maturity to be able to live love without wrong expectations, unattainable requirements and uncontrolled emotions. A key in this process is communication as a couple.

The brain during heartbreak

For this evolution of love there are also studies that show how certain hormones intervene at the brain level. It is the case of the oxytocin, which works like alcohol, granting us well-being by being segregated in situations related to affection such as a hug, and that is why the couple enjoys intimate moments not so linked to sexuality.

In the event that the heartbreak does not come to fruition and we choose to break up, the brain also undergoes certain changes. Brain scans have been done showing that the person with a broken heart shows more activity in the area prefrontal, which is related to personality, decision-making and planning, as long as it is not a case of depression. This suggests that the brain tries to give us a cable to make us overcome the bad drink and balance our behavior and emotions.

Likewise, it has been shown that you have a withdrawal syndrome similar to that suffered with any other drug; the brain misses those chemical reward circuits that are activated by "consuming" the presence and affection of the other person and, although with time he assimilates it, in principle what he does is ask Screams.

You have to understand that people who break up because they don't feel what they think they should feel, they go through this whole process anyway, only this all happens during the relationship rather than later with the relationship. breaking off.

What to do in the face of love disappointment?

Both falling in love and falling out of love seem to be out of our control, What we can manage is whether this lack of love is worth taking it to another stage of love, or if it is not worth it and you have to let it go. No decision will be totally clear or easy, people are animals of habit, but in the game of love, we should not forget that not everything goes and that we must become active subjects in our own lives and make the decisions we create correct.

So fall in love, be loved, break, come back, regret, rejoice, cry and love again, without fears, because as Winston Churchill said: “Success is overcoming failure with enthusiasm intact".