Grief in times of pandemic

The death of a loved one is one of the moments in everyone's life where the human need for contact is most evident.

There is no one correct way to grieve and no adequate time frame to do so.. For example, unexpected deaths or in complicated circumstances (accidents, suicides, missing persons), usually cause more difficulties in the elaboration of the mourning.

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But what is grief?

There are many articles and information about what grief is and its phases, here I would simply like to emphasize that grief is a normal process we go through when we have lost a loved one and in which we have to adapt to a new one reality. It is important to emphasize the normality of pain in the grieving process, since we live in a society that tolerates very little discomfort.

We cannot avoid the emotional pain we feel when we have lost someone important in our lives, there are no shortcuts or tricks to avoid suffering. Understanding the process and accepting it is the beginning of emotional healing that can lead to turning grief into an enriching experience and personal growth.

The normal grieving process is not a diseasebut the development of acceptance of loss. Dejection and sadness are the usual emotions. Each person feels this experience in their own way and experiences the intensity of that pain in a subjective way. Family and friends may share the expression and manifestation of that pain, but not what it really feels and, even less, its magnitude.

The normal grieving process becomes a roller coaster of emotions to varying degrees. You go from the disbelief of death to irritability, fear, frustration or confusion, all being normal, natural and healthy. It is also common to feel anxiety, rapid heartbeat, nausea, tiredness, headaches, disinterest and the urge to cry. Facing these emotions and feeling the pain is the key to overcoming the grief, avoiding suffering taking drugs or consuming alcohol and drugs is a big mistake.

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When the duel gets complicated

In recent years, much research has been done on the risk factors that cause complications in the natural process of grief, which is known as complicated grief. This type of grief is one whose intensification reaches the level where the person is overwhelmed, resorts to maladaptive behaviors or remains rigidly in this state without advancing in the grieving process towards his resolution.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders in its fifth edition (DSM 5), calls it persistent complex grief and is characterized by suffer continuous longing / longing for the deceased, accompanied by intense grief and frequent crying and worry about the deceased or the way in which he died. These symptoms must continue for at least 12 months after the person's death (6 in children), although this criterion must be relativized, since each person is different. The important thing is the level of suffering of each person and if they consider themselves stuck in it.

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Types of complicated grief

One of the world's leading experts on grief, J. W. Worden, proposed a distinction between four types of complicated duel:

Chronic grief

Symptoms persist for years, and one of the most prominent aspects in this type of grief is that the person experiences the feeling of being incomplete.

Delayed duel

In this type of grief, the characteristic symptoms appear months or even years after the death of the loved one. Sometimes it happens when the suffering is too intense, or when conditions force the person to stay strong and postpone their pain.

Exaggerated grief

Worden speaks of exaggerated grief when the symptoms are excessive and practically prevent the person from leading a normal life.

Masked duel

Problems develop, such as drug, drug, or alcohol abuse, and that the person is unable to recognize that they have to do with the loss suffered.

Differences between normal grief and pathological grief

What differentiates pathological grief from normal is the intensity of the symptoms, the duration of the reaction and the appearance of some symptoms that do not occur in normal grief, such as hallucinations or delusions.

In the initial phases of complicated grief, physical symptoms tend to predominate, such as insomnia, fatigue and / or weight loss, but with the Over time, emotional and psychological symptoms such as anger, rage, and anguish, as well as hopelessness or desire to To die.

Grief in times of pandemic

Tributes, funeral rites, and farewells are an important part of the healthy grieving process.. Throughout the history of humanity, the need to have a time and a physical space, many times shared, has become clear in which to show the loss.

In the horrible circumstances that plague us today, where our family and friends die in the distance. When a very short period of time passes between diagnosis and death that prevents us from preparing for grief. Where we cannot give one last kiss, one last look, one last hug.

In these circumstances it is normal that we can be blocked by guilt the type "should have done, or said something else" or anger ("damn government, they did not do everything necessary in the hospital") or a deep sadness ("I will never stop suffering"), prevent us from moving forward in the rethinking of our life without the person Dear.

In these cases, it is possible that we develop a pathological grief and it is advisable to seek the advice of a specialist grief therapist.

How to cope with delayed grief

In conclusion, I would like to recommend some very useful guidelines for dealing with the loss of a loved one in these circumstances.

Perform farewell rituals.

You can prepare a virtual meeting via Skype or WhatsApp and organize a farewell, even if you cannot be together.

Agree on a time and pay tribute to that person by telling anecdotes, writing on your social networks or, for example, lighting candles at the same time. You can create a group or make a page for that person and each one, write what they feel, upload photos and share her feelings.

It is important to include people with disabilities and children in these rituals, explaining the situation clearly and naturally, assessing the age and abilities of each one, and in what way they can participate.

If you don't feel strong enough to share the loss together, you have the right to do it more intimately or by yourself. Write a poem, journal, or letter telling how you feel or what you would say to that person. You can also draw pictures if you can't get the words out. Do it in the way that makes you feel best.

Create a space in a room to remember. Choose a photo, decorate it as you like, with candles or flowers or even objects of that person. Every time you need it, go to that corner and express yourself. Tell him what your life will be like from now on, remind him what things you liked and say goodbye if you need to.

Practice self-care

Having explained the roller coaster that we go through in a grieving process, we must take into account the fact that we do not “lose ourselves” in this process.

Try to take care of your diet and your rest times. Try to keep your schedules and listen to your body, if you need to slow down, do it, allow yourself to recover, but do not give up.

Practice exercise, find an occupation such as cooking, reading, meditating and take advantage of a little ray of sunshine on the balcony or window.

It is normal for feelings of sadness or anger to surface, if you need to be alone or contact people who make you feel good, do it. Surely you receive calls from many people to offer condolences and take an interest in you. Give them guidelines and schedules.

Seek help to manage your emotions, either within family and friends or, if necessary, professional grief psychologists. Telephone lines provided by the state (health center, red cross, police, etc.) can also be of great help.

By last, avoid overloading yourself with information that "contaminates" you, look for activities that relax you, do not make very important decisions and do not demand too much of yourself.

Allow yourself your time to heal

Remember that this situation will not last forever and that, when all this is over, you will be able to make a face-to-face farewell with all your loved ones.

Conclution

In this article we wanted to highlight the importance of carrying out the grieving process in the right way. as natural and fluid as possible to avoid, as far as possible, a possible complication later.

It is known that in special circumstances like the ones we are experiencing, the natural grief is more likely to become pathological, so everything we can do now to cope with this process will help us prevent a possible disorder. If you see that this situation is getting too complicated for you or your relatives and that the resources available to you are not enough, do not hesitate to request the help of a psychologist grief specialist.