10 questions and answers about infidelity

Most couples consider fidelity as one of the bases on which a loving relationship is built. Therefore, it is not strange that one of the main reasons why couples go to psychological therapy is to overcome an infidelity.

• Related article: "How do you know when to go to couples therapy? 5 compelling reasons"

The opinion of psychologists: questions and answers about infidelity

Today we have the collaboration of Rosario Linares and Irene Gómez, both psychologists from El Prado Psychologists, one of the most important Psychology centers in Madrid, to help us understand why infidelities occur, What consequence does this act have on the relationship of the couple and its members, and what does the psychological treatment consist of in these cases. We will explore this topic from questions and answers about infidelity.

1. For what reasons are you unfaithful?

Behind the infidelity it always usually denotes that there is a weak point in the relationship, either due to dissatisfaction with the partner (conflicts, lack of communication, no feeling loved, lack of passion, fear of commitment, etc.), although there are also cases in which the problem is not with the partner itself, but with the person who is unfaithful.

There are people who are compulsively unfaithful, whoever they are with, due to a personal problem, either lack of self-esteem (they can seek to reaffirm themselves through conquest) or they may be sex addicts or people who exhibit paraphilias (strange sexual behaviors) that they try to satisfy outside of the partner. There are also people with narcissistic personalities for whom the concept of betrayal does not exist, as they do not feel empathy for their partner or people who, due to their emotional immaturity, do not want to give up anything, and put their own pleasure before the commitment with their partner.

2. Does the infidel always feel guilty?

Among unfaithful people there are two types, those who feel guilty, and those who do not, the degree of awareness of why they have been unfaithful varies from one person to another, but what they What happens to those who feel guilty is that despite knowing the reason why they have been unfaithful, they wonder why, since they do not understand how they could have endangered their relationship.

There is a part of them that has wanted to be unfaithful and another that does not, the part that does not want to be unfaithful is the one that asks why have I done it? In the second case, they justify themselves and they are clear about the reasons, and it does not generate guilt, they only worry that their partner does not discover them. In the latter case, guilt can appear when they are discovered, by becoming aware of the consequences of their actions and the damage they have caused in the other person.

3. How does a relationship change after meeting an infidelity?

After knowing an infidelity there is a before and an after. At first there is an emotional tsunami, after this the relationship may end in rupture or the person may decide to continue with the other person, but if the relationship is continued without forgiving the other, the chances are that sooner or later the relationship will deteriorate so much that it ends breaking down. Knowing about an infidelity it mainly affects the confidence that one has thereafter in the other person, and the image that is had of him, and many times the person who has discovered infidelity even if he decides to continue, emotionally distances himself from the other person. Jealousy and control over the couple can also be established from now on.

4. Can all couples overcome an infidelity?

94% of couples therapists believe that couples can overcome an infidelity according to a survey carried out in the United Kingdom. Many couples can get over an infidelity, although not all, depends on the attitude that is taken from knowing the infidelity. If after going through a first phase of anger we cling to pain and what we do is use infidelity as a throwing weapon and resentment towards the other person is established the relationship deteriorates and it is easy for it to end in rupture.

There are many couples who overcome an infidelity, although infidelity often does not transcend outside the couple and we do not get to know this fact, but there are more couples than we think. Although most people think that they would not forgive an infidelity, when it happens they change their mind, since value the positive in the relationship and the love they have for the other person or the children they have in common weighs more, for example.

5. What do couples have in common who, after having discovered an infidelity, decide to go to a therapist to overcome it?

Most couples who come for infidelity come to consult with a very deteriorated emotional state, on many occasions, one of the members or both have doubts about whether the best would be a possible separation and see therapy as a last resort or as a decision-making process about whether to continue the relationship or not.

6. What is the process to regain trust in the other?

In order to restore trust, you first need to sincerely ask for forgiveness. The process of asking for forgiveness involves recognizing that what you did caused harm or offended the other, feeling of truth the pain of the other, analyze their own behavior, define an action plan so that they do not occur, commit to rebuilding the couple, explicitly asking the other for forgiveness and restoring the damage caused. In therapy, it is important to have a deep understanding of the history of the couple's relationship in order to analyze all the factors that influenced the infidelity to occur. It is essential that the couple reach agreements for changes in order to prevent possible risk situations for the couple

7. What dynamics are worked on in the different sessions?

In couples therapy we work a lot on empathy. One of the techniques for example would be the reversal of roles where both members make the effort to put themselves in the shoes of the other. In all couples therapy, communication, positive exchanges and negotiations are very important aspects.

In the particular case of infidelity, when both members of the couple have suffered disappointments, it is useful to make a list of grievances where each member of the couple draws up a list of the situations in which they have felt aggrieved by the other. Next to every grievance, It is written what concrete act of reparation of your partner would serve to turn the pageDuring the next session, the two lists are discussed and how to carry out the redress is planned.

8. What issues does each have to work on / reinforce, both the one who has been unfaithful and the one who has been cheated on?

It is important that both members commit to do their part to overcome the situation, on the part of the person who has been deceived it is important that they leave the other person to be able to repair the damage and initiate changes, the person who has cheated has to commit to following the process to regain the trust of the other previously aforementioned.

9. Is it just as complex to go through this process as a couple for both of you?

It is usually hard for both of us, for the person who has been cheated on. it is difficult to get out of the reproach and the accusation and trust again while it can be difficult for the person who has cheated to repair the relationship and deal with the guilt.

10. Do you really get to forgive and "forget" an infidelity?

Forgetting can never be done, forgiving the damage and repairing it is possible, but it is a process that requires time, effort and the commitment of both members of the couple.