Choose a partner: 5 important aspects to consider

Why do we fail so much when choosing a partner? Why do we perpetuate relationships that make us unhappy?

There is the possibility of making love a conscious choice, a decision made not only from the emotion and impulsiveness resulting from it. of falling in love, but also from rationality and lucidity (all the lucidity that can be had in a brain flooded with oxytocin).

The problem is not that love is doomed to failure: it is not. But knowing how to choose a partner is not always easy.

Wrong love choices

The problem comes when we rush when it comes to choosing a partner, either because we don't want to or we know how to be alone and we we put into the arms of the first one who gives us attention, either because we do not love each other, and we need another to supply our lack of self-esteem with their care and affection, or because we are blinded by certain characteristics of the other that prevent us from seeing their personality as a whole.

Looking for a protective figure

If we relate from lack, it is likely that we seek in the partner (unconsciously) a substitute for our father / mother

, a nurse, a psycologist or someone who fulfills all those roles at the same time.

This will cause the relationship to quickly become unbalanced, our demands grow and that we are never satisfied our needs, that the other person is exhausted and that the relationship eventually leads to unhappiness, hatred, or breaking off.

Therefore, the main step that we always forget is to learn to be alone with ourselves.

Be whole people, treat our shortcomings, establish clear life goals, manage our emotions, tolerate frustration and fear of failure, self-care and love ourselves as unique and unrepeatable people that we are... all these factors will allow our emotional life to be healthier and more beneficial for everyone.

Mini-guide on choosing a partner

Once we have done this introspection and personal work, we will be (relatively) ready to start a love relationship.

What filters can we use when choosing the person with whom to start a relationship?

1. Remember our failed relationships

Prevent the "ex" from appearing to us in someone else's body It is necessary, since we tend to always choose the same type of partners, and therefore to recreate pathological relationship patterns and always end up in conflict for the same reasons.

Identify what went wrong in your previous relationships and what characteristics the new partner (and you) must have in order not to end as badly.

2. Find common ground

Observe and identify the values, beliefs and life expectations of the other person and assess whether they objectively match yours.

If, for example, you do not want to have children and you enter into a relationship with a woman who wants to be a mother, sooner or later a great conflict will be generated. that will lead either to end the relationship, or to renounce one of the members to her life plan, which will generate anger, anger, frustration and dissatisfaction.

3. Examine the conversation

One of the most enriching experiences of being in a relationship is opening up to the other person and be able to share emotions, concerns and feelings through words.

When there is no fluent conversation, boredom and dissatisfaction are likely to quickly develop.

4. Pay attention to the sense of humor

Life is too short to decide to spend it with someone who doesn't make you laugh. It is therefore important that you and your partner share a certain sense of humor and are able to have fun together.

5. Same degree of commitment in the relationship

Whether it is a monogamous or polygamous relationship, the important thing is that both members agree on the degree of exclusivity through which they want to build their relationship.

Even following these guidelines, can the relationship "fail"?

Of course. First of all we have to free ourselves from the idea of ​​the couple as something eternal, of the "forever", since within the uncertainty that a relationship supposes, anything can happen.

It is therefore important to continue building our life beyond the couple, making it an important part of our life, but not a whole, eliminating from our vocabulary phrases such as "you are my life", "I cannot live without you", "always yours" more typical of the emotional and affective dependence that of love.

• You may be interested: "The 4 types of love: what different kinds of love are there?”