Mindfulness for couples: secrets to improve your relationship

These are difficult times at this time; In the midst of the COVID-19 crisis, the tensions that affect us are reflected in all areas of our lives, and couple relationships are not immune to these tensions.

Luckily, Mindfulness (also called Mindfulness) can be a great help to avoid this kind of wear and tear in the love relationship.

• Related article: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

How could Mindfulness help us improve our relationship?

When dealing with any topic related to couples, the title of Philippe Caillé's book comes to mind, One plus one equals three, in which he implies that when approaching the couple we have to talk about each of the members of the same but also about the relationship itself.

Thus, the relationship is that third element that arises from the confluence of two minds, two brains, two bodies, two biographies, which come together, with the complexity that this entails.

We will continue Dan Siegel's proposal, since he will help us to see what aspects of the relationship can be improved by incorporating the Mindfulness approach

. This author, in his book Mindsight, he speaks of integration as the way to unite differentiated elements of a system and is the direct way to harmony in the couple. The development of integration involves the following elements.

1. Pay attention to the difference

It is not that the other person is as I had thought, or as I would like, but to respect his / her ideas, beliefs and customs.

2. Harmony and flexibility versus stiffness or chaos

The author speaks of the river of integration as the flow of an integrated system; facing the two banks of the river, chaos and integration, the two extremes that couples can fall into.

The rigidity would come to suppose the restriction of the couple, the loss of illusion... and the chaos could be identified with the absence of a common story in the couple, a continuous improvisation ...

We can deduce that couples who are carried away by the river of integration are happier than those who fall into the two opposite poles ...

3. Develop partner awareness

Through techniques derived from attention, we will be able to capture with greater precision the state of the relationship, the reactions of the other person who is a member of the couple, and develop kindness in relationship.

4. Horizontal integration

If communication is based on dominance / submission schemes, it is evident that the couple will not flow, and that this imbalance of power can seriously contaminate the relationship. Again, kindness or loving-kindness, metta, is the perfect antidote to this dynamic.

5. Interpersonal integration

The development of "we" instead of "I" will provide a meaning to the couple whose scope is very valuable: developing our resonance circuits allows us to feel the inner world of other people, the partner in this case, and being incorporated into the world of another person makes us feel happy.

• You may be interested in: "What is Mindfulness? The 7 answers to your questions "

Guidelines for meditation

In our consultation we have been able to observe how if Mindfulness is developed properly and is worked together with the partner, It is very useful in couples who are entrenched in conflict, or in couples who fight against rigid defense patterns or others that are prone to chaotic outbursts of disappointment, since they learn to detect the states of reactivity generated by the "flight or attack" system and bringing the nervous system to the receptive state necessary for a true and lasting connection will provide us with harmony necessary.

Integrating the Mindfulness tools, accepting the differences of each of the members, the hostility that often characterizes dysfunctional relationships can be lessened and a new life of passion and compassion can be started since it encourages integration in the couple and the couple.

Whether you have practiced Mindfulness meditation or are a newcomer to this field, we suggest that you develop mindfulness; For this, the three-minute meditation is a wonderful resource that you can put into practice at any time of the day: for example, in situations in which you notice that you are upset or with the emotions that take over you. This meditation has three distinct parts, as we will see below.

1. Reception

We start by handing our weight over to gravity paying attention to the parts where the body is in contact with the ground. In this first part we will pay attention to any bodily sensation that we notice, we will pay pay attention to what emotion is acting in us and what are the thoughts that pass through me head. Whatever happens we accept what is.

2. Breathing

We bring our attention to the breath, without modifying anythingWithout expecting anything, we perceive how we breathe: if it is superficial, if it is more abdominal... we can make the exhale last a little longer if this gives us calm. And we rest in the breath.

3. Back to normal

Little by little we are opening our conscience to the sounds of the outsideWe began to move some part of the body, to incorporate ourselves into what we were doing, but in a different way.