What is emotional dependence and how is it expressed?

In the first place, to understand what emotional dependence is, we have to speak of dry dependence. AND when we talk about dependency we talk about attachment.

Attachment is not just a psychological theory. At Vínculo Psicología we understand attachment as a way of life and a way of understanding relationships and ties. Attachment is not only in psychology, is in our lives constantly.

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The characteristics of attachment

What is attachment? Attachment is synonymous with dependence, to be attached, to be in contact with others to survive. Since we are little, and it is what we have in common with animals (among other things), we have as a basic need to feel safe, protected ...

This need is healthy, basic, universal and we cannot deny it. Depending on others is essential at certain times in our lives, especially when we are children.

What happens when our primary caregivers (parents, grandparents…) cannot provide us with these basic needs, or do not do so consistently?

That we can develop an insecure attachment style. That is, we do not learn to depend healthily on our parents.

This lack of security will lead us to unstable relationships when we are adults. Relationships that we will live with great anguish but from which we will not be able to get out. We will need them at all costs.

The constant need to being linked to someone, without being able to self-regulate alone, and living alone when we need it, is what we call emotional dependence. It is like an addiction, but to people.

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What factors generate emotional dependence?

As we have already pointed out, an insecure attachment style is one that leads to emotional dependence. Next we will see an example of it.

A girl grows up in a traditional family. This girl is called Clara. She has 2 brothers. Her mother does not have time to divide herself between the 3 brothers and also she is not sure how to tune in emotionally with her daughter. Her daughter sometimes feels sad, because she plays alone, and Mom is always either working or making food for her and hers, her brothers.

This mother, in turn, comes from another mother (the girl's grandmother) who is very unloving. Therefore, she did not learn to receive affection, so she does not give her daughter many hugs and kisses. In addition, her father is away from home all the time, therefore, the girl feels more and more alone. The father always brings home a treat to make up for that absence, and the girl is very happy. This girl, as an adult, will have internalized a very great fear of being alone, because that is how she felt at home and no one could support it.

Also, the explanation that this girl gave to this is that she deserved to be alone, because her mother was a bit cold and distant and this had to be because she had something wrong with her, she did not deserve love. A girl prefers to tell herself a thousand times that she is bad and not get angry with her mother because she is not affectionate and break that bond. Remember that when we are little we only think about surviving and maintaining ties at all costs, disconnecting ourselves from emotions that endanger that bond, such as anger, fear, sadness for feel alone ...

What kind of bonds will this adult maintain in the future and how?

• Distant, cold men who value the material part very much, like their father
• Seemingly independent men, strong, not very vulnerable, but at the same time caring, perhaps men older than her. The girl needs security, and apparently this style of man can give it to her.
• She will be related in the bonds from the fear of abandonment, that the other leaves, they leave him alone, etc. This will cause behaviors of emotional dependence: control, anguish at the slightest sign of distance (such as not giving a good morning message), the need to be constantly valued, etc.

Clara's problem is that she still fixes on cold men, emotionally distant, who go from strong to tough. She believes that these men are going to "transform" and give her all that love and recognition that she did not get from her parents. And she will continue to tell herself that men do not give her that love because there is something wrong with her and she does not deserve love. Because in the end, those men always end up leaving her alone. Clara is unconsciously choosing to repeat her story in an attempt to resolve it. Paradoxical as well as fascinating, right?

So we see that Clara you are projecting her family history onto your partner. Clara believes that she falls in love with these men. But she alone falls in love with what she always lacked: security, recognition, unconditional love, affection... Because when we speak of love, we speak of attachment, not this erroneous romantic myth that society has given us. counted.

Therefore, Clara's unmet childhood need makes her remain in bonds that do not finish filling her so that the story changes. A story that could not change in childhood because he prioritized linking her to herself. And that's fine, how do we all children. Because alone we cannot survive. We have to do it in a herd, like animals.

But what about when we are adults? Why don't we let go of that relationship? Precisely, and taking the previous example as a reference, for this. Because We think that we are not enough and that we will not find someone better, because loneliness terrifies us as it did in childhood, because we continue to hope that this couple (which deep down are the conflicts of our parents) change and give us what should belong to us ...

The couple is only a reflection of the conflict that first appeared in our childhood. And this is emotional dependence. It is a cage. It is a prison. It is a concrete wall. A wall with which we struggle trying to change and shape as we please. We try to change our partners and that only hurts us, leaving us destroyed and destroyed.

Emotional dependence are related infantile needs not adequately covered.

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How do I know that I am emotionally dependent?

First, recognizing and accepting that we have emotional dependence. It can happen especially in relationships, but also with our parents and friends.

Do you feel unappreciated in your relationship? Do you feel that you would like to change the other person? Do you have moments of very intense anger, hopelessness or sadness??? Do you feel at the same time that the other person is everything and that if she left you, you would die? Do you feel unvalued in the relationship? Do you tend to choose narcissistic, selfish, cold, distant, immature, or overly protective men? Have you felt the absence of your parents or, on the contrary, a very fusional bond with any of them? Have you left and returned to your relationship multiple times? Do you suffer from very intense emotions in your relationship as if you were on a roller coaster (anxiety, emptiness, obsessive thoughts, idealization and hatred towards your partner ...)? Do you feel distrust towards your partner? Would you like to change your partner? Have you suffered any kind of physical or psychological abuse?

These are some of the questions you can ask yourself to see whether or not you have emotional dependence.

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How to heal emotional dependence?

Emotional dependence, as we have seen, is an attachment problem. It is a bond disorder. Therefore, to be healed with a person who has a secure attachment style. The healthy bond with a therapist that generates security, autonomy and independence is the best psychological treatment.

Emotional dependence is linked to the bond, and, therefore, to the trauma of attachment and / or hidden that we described in a similar article.

So a good way to heal it is by going to its root, to our childhood. To do this, we will examine the first relationships with parents, dynamics, transactions, emotional management, time of space and play with the child, etc.

Subsequently, we will work on the memories that gave rise to this emotional dependence. In the case that we gave as an example, we would heal the memories that have to do with that girl's feeling of loneliness. Once we go through that duel, we close it. If there is no fear of loneliness, there will be no need to choose a partner from that void, nor to stay in relationships that do not suit us. We will choose a partner from our values, needs, projects in common, skin, etc.

We will also work on the relationships we currently have: on how to set limits, tools to be more autonomous, to value ourselves more, etc.

We cannot help but think that each person has her story and is different, that is why we have to review it in therapy. Clara's story is one of many.

But we could also find the story of Mateo, who always lived by and for a mother who she had lost her husband since he was 6 years old… So she became a kind of match for her his mother. He currently has a woman who is like his mother, older, directive, who tells him what she has to do, etc. But neither he, nor she (whose role in childhood was a caregiver for her siblings as an adultized girl), enjoy a relationship. It seems like a mother-son relationship ...

And, not only this, but also that Mateo has finally achieved this couple, after years without having been with no girl, because for him the essential thing was his mother, and her mother did not like any of his girlfriends of hers ...

What's your story? Do you want to get out of emotional dependency forever? Link healthily and lovingly with me and with Vínculo Psicología. We will wait for you.