How to build healthy bonds in a relationship

As a therapist I meet every day with people who come to my consultation space looking to heal a bond, overwhelmed by the contradiction, the lack of clarity, the wear and tear of attachment... Physically, mentally and especially spiritually tired, wishing to release a bond and clinging to an illusion that has been created with the mind, which clouds us and almost always prevents us from acting from he love.

Love, to begin with, does not condition, it does not limit us, it does not ask us to renounce. Human beings generally have a wrong perception of the verb to love. Since we were little we have seen and experienced that in order to feel loved, even by our parents, we must adapt to their expectations, we must act in one way or another to be "deserving" of the clan and to be part of it, and this is how we begin to configure a perception of love wrong.

Love is truly connected with freedom, that's why when we establish bonds as a couple we begin to limit ourselves and the other based on a flow of expectations

, fears and limiting beliefs. The question I want to start with is: are you ready for the true act of loving? If the question is "no", then it is time to review your thoughts and order yourself in the name of love.

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The keys to building healthy bonds in the couple

To build healthy bonds we must start from the question: who am I? What do I have to give? How do I relate to myself?

These are some important bases, since the relationship with oneself is essentially the key to having expansive relationships. It sounds pretty obvious, but it seems that the mind often deceives us; we cannot give what we do not have and if there is no clarity in the life purpose of each one, if there is no clear sovereignty in front of my own Limits, if we are not coherent with our most deep. So the question is: what do I have to give to the other? What you give is exactly what you receive.

The role of attraction

If you have doubts about these questions, it is very possible that your relationships present difficulties, especially when the physical attraction is no longer enough to sustain the bond. The attraction is part of the evolutionary processes, necessary for the conservation of the species in its most primary state.

We've all experienced that outburst of dopamine When we feel in love and attracted to a person, that physical sensation alters our entire perception and generates mental a misconfiguration of reality; an illusion, an alteration due to high levels of dopamine (a completely chemical and biological effect, a natural reaction of the body).

But then... What happens when after a few months or at most a couple of years, that alteration no longer appears? That it is natural that it does not do so, because in effect it is not sustainable in the body, that is when we are or are not prepared to assume healthy relationships, traversed by respect, limits, recognition, admiration and of course the agreements.

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The reason for the relationship

Let's go to the beginning of everything: What is being a couple? Being a couple means form an intimate and committed relationship between two people. It ranges from a light or no formal relationship (where there is no obvious commitment) to a formal relationship.

Being a couple consists of choosing someone so that, according to their life cycles, they build projects and plans related to its evolution, all of the above traversed by the concept of family that each culture attributes.

What do I choose when I choose a partner?

Generally attraction appears as a prelude, that sensation that arouses desire in the sexual configurationa biological effect.

Following this, affinity appears, and it has to do with the points in common, the encounters that become more notorious if the couples belong to a similar culture, thus the gap narrows and possibly goes to have more meeting points than disagreement.

In addition, we must take into account that couples with healthy ties attribute a great sense of admiration, this together with respect are key to the growth of the bond.

Some of the characteristics of healthy bonding couples include:

1. Open and honest communication

Far from the noise of judgment, healthy couples communicate openly, honesty is a fundamental foundation. Who does not honor his truth, enters a highly charged cycle where his own identity is misconfigured. Taking care of myself and taking care of the other makes you a prelude to the truth.

2. Mutual respect

Respect is one of the non-negotiable rules and agreements, in both ways it must be honored.

3. Commitment

The expansive couples are equipment, therefore, the charges are distributed in a way harmonica, both row to the same side and manage different situations in a way coordinated.

4. Understanding is the language of love

Listening and understanding allows couples to have more open channels, understanding that the other is a universe that does not have the same needs as me, that deconstruction of the Ego is key to the harmony of the couple.

5. Mutual support

If I do not find emotional and affective support in my partner, the nature of love, which is understanding, respect and admiration, is quickly distorted.

6. Trust

It is a construction parallel to the paths and encounters of the relationship. A couple relationship leads me to invest energy, the latter becomes tranquility; Trust will determine the flow of that energy, without it it is difficult to build, since fear distracts and contracts while love and trust expand.

To end…

In the therapeutic exercise I have seen couples flourish and write stories sustained in love, respect, admiration. This is why I have developed a program especially for couples called: Couples in Light.

In this program I summarize the bases of conciliation, the meeting of sexuality, agreements and home projects.