Relational amnesia: characteristics, causes and how it affects couples

"I didn't tell you that!", "Are you sure we went together?", "I don't remember when it was ..." and other phrases are sometimes said by husbands, wives, boyfriends and girlfriends who comment to their better half that they do not remember very well what they are supposed to have experienced together.

The other person may be upset that the individual with whom she is sharing her life does not remember a experience that was very meaningful to her, such as celebrating her anniversary, going to a fancy restaurant, or listening to a concert.

How is it possible for a person to forget something so important to their relationship? This seemingly counterintuitive type of forgetting has been called relational amnesia, a phenomenon that we are going to delve into below.

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What is relational amnesia?

We can define relational amnesia as the systematic forgetting of details and moments, both everyday and special, that for one of the people who make up the couple are significant

. One of the partners forgets shared experiences or unconsciously distorts them, to the point that what he or she remembers differs greatly from what her partner remembers. As a result of this dynamic of forgetfulness, disagreements, tensions and conflicts in the relationship occur.

This amnesia goes beyond forgetting the anniversary of the couple or the birthday of the other. It is about forgetting very important moments for the other person, very special experiences that marked moments relevant to the relationship such as a reconciliation dinner, going to a concert together or having gone to excursion. How is this possible? For what reason is someone able to forget experiences that he himself has lived and that are supposed to be important?

One of the first answers that we could give to explain this phenomenon is quite simple: each one processes the memories of him in his own way. What may be transcendental and tremendously significant to one, etched in his mind by fire, to the other may seem like another experience., either everyday or unusual, but at the end of the day something susceptible to falling into oblivion. This does not mean that the partner is loved less. Everyone keeps magical moments in their memory, but each one has their own, most of them being able to coincide between the members of the relationship.

However, even though relational amnesia is relatively common and does not necessarily have to be indicative of any problems, It may happen that the person who remembers things better throws in the face of the other who does not remember the most important moments of the relationship. There is always one member of the couple who keeps every moment in his memory, while the other is more limited to living in the present. This can lead to arguments and even disappointments that can lead to multiple relationship problems.

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Characteristics of this psychological phenomenon

As we were commenting, relational amnesia is not something to worry about in principle. This kind of amnesia does not constitute a clinical entity, but it is a normal phenomenon in which a person forgets some detail related to his couple relationship, but important enough that the other person is bothered by this I forget about her. There is no cognitive deficit, but the fact that one remembers in a different way what is important to the other can lead to discrepancies and arguments from time to time.

What is striking about relational amnesia is that in the situations involved there is always someone who remembers practically everything and the one who remembers almost nothing. The person who remembers things, as we have already commented, reproaches the one who forgets that he neglects things that are important to the history of the relationship. On the other hand, the forgetful person may rebuke the person who remembers things better by saying that He has an obsession to remember every detail of what he experienced and uses it to blame his bad memory.

This situation, if not managed in a mature and thoughtful way, can create an environment of constant reproaches and criticism that will be a breeding ground for relationship problems. It is common to feel disappointment and frustration feeling that the person you love does not seem to pay attention in shared moments or seem to make an effort to remember important aspects of the relationship. However, it is worth reflecting on what can cause a person to manifest this type of common amnesia.

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Causes

There are several causes that can explain why a person frequently falls into relational amnesia. Since this type of amnesia can have negative consequences for the relationship, especially if it occurs very frequently and in an extreme way, it is important to know them. When you date a person who seems to be a born forgetful it may be that there is a cognitive deficit, but also It could be the case that this person pays little attention to your emotional bond.

But there may also be a problem on the part of the person who remembers absolutely everything. This member of the couple may always need to be right and act as if her truth is the only one, the only reliable account of the story of the two lovers and their shared experiences. This type of behavior could be the tip of the iceberg of an excessively neurotic and obsessive, a factor that can contribute to increasing levels of dissatisfaction in the relationship.

But in addition to these two possible causes that we have just mentioned, there are several reasons that could explain the appearance of relational amnesia.

1. Two people, two different points of view

Living as a couple does not mean ceasing to be an individual. Couples are what they are, two people who share a common life, but who may have different accounts of the events they have experienced. Being a couple does not mean seeing, feeling, processing and remembering the same things with the same details and the same degree of intensity.

This is not indicative that the partner is loved less. It's not necessarily bad at all. Each member of the relationship simply remembers things in her own way, has their own account of what happened, their own way of understanding and seeing things. One pays more attention to what things and the other to others.

So forgetting how not to remember an anniversary or not knowing if it was last month when you went to a fancy restaurant is actually not such a serious thing. What matters is the experience itself, acts and good intentions. Here the affection is sincere.

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2. Lack of interest

Other times it happens that relational amnesia is actually the product of a lack of interest. Here it happens that the person who forgets does so because he does not attend, because he does not pay attention to her relationship with the person he is supposed to love and no longer shows interest in the partner.

3. Passive-aggressive personality

We cannot talk about relational amnesia without mentioning one of the most toxic dynamics associated with this phenomenon. There are people whose personality could be said to be passive-aggressive who they tend to hide in oblivion to manipulate and harm the person they say they love.

Behind this profile can be found some very narcissistic traits and, also, a diagnosis of Borderline personality disorder. These types of people can use denial, saying that they do not remember something to invalidate the other person, avoid responsibility or manipulate and harm them. You can even resort to gaslighting strategies, trying to alter the memory of the person who best remembers what happened.

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4. Relationship not present

In other cases, this amnesia appears as a result of routine in the relationship, established above all in non-present relationships. The members of the couple, despite sharing the same space at the same time in their lives, are emotionally far apart.Both because they have lost interest in each other and because monotony has dimmed the flame of love.

When two people have experiences together for the mere reason of having to spend time together, having the mind elsewhere, it is easy that they end up forgetting or the memories about them are distorted. At the end of the day, emotions are a fundamental aspect in the creation of memories and if one does not live a romantic dinner, an anniversary or a special event in an emotionally appropriate way, it is likely to end forgetting.

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Conclusions.

Relational amnesia is not a clinical problem. It is something relatively common, the result of the fact that the people who make up a couple do not process memories in the same way. Each one is different and, even with the person you love the most and who is supposed to understand you best, you can remember things with a different degree of emotional intensity and detail. It is, in principle, a mere phenomenon that shows individual differences even between people in a romantic relationship.

However, other times it can be indicative of problems in the relationship, which will bring with them other more serious problems. If the forgetfulness is systematic and is due to disinterest, a lack of commitment or, even, it is used as a strategy to manipulate the other person, the relationship will be damaged with the passage of weather. And the person who best remembers things can make her best memory a sign of superiority, rebuking the other for not remembering what happened as well as she did and giving rise to dynamics toxic.

We must understand that whenever two people come together, there will be two different perspectives and memories of the same experience. Being a couple does not mean living everything in the same way, but sharing moments that can awaken Desires, emotions and beliefs varied, but that do not have to collide head-on with those of the other person. What matters is that both of you are willing to understand each other, sharing your vision of things and committing to respect each other.