Perfectionism in couple relationships: how it affects us and what to do

Perfectionism is a quality that many manifest, something that has its good things but also some bad things. This quality can have negative effects not only in the professional field, but also in the couple.

Being a person who wants everything to go well, that everything is perfect, can be a real headache for those people with more conformist tastes, in the sense that they do not need to seek perfection in what is already good as is.

Being in a relationship with a highly perfectionist person can be difficult, especially if there are conflicts resulting from one having very high expectations about the relationship that the other does not seem satisfy you. Let's tackle perfectionism in relationships and what are its implications.

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This is perfectionism in relationships

Perfectionism is often considered a positive trait, and it can be if it occurs in an adaptive and functional way. Being a good perfectionist, in the sense of wanting things to turn out very well, avoiding any possible failure and striving to make sure everything turns out perfect, it is one desired by many and possessed by few. This is not to say that there are few perfectionists. There are many, but there are profiles that far from being able to do things well, what they achieve with their high demands and low tolerance for errors is frustration, conflicts and tensions.

Perfectionism can get us, making us obsess about doing everything possible to make something go right, at the cost of our physical and mental health. Who many strive to make sure that the smallest and unimportant detail goes well wastes time and is wearing out physically and psychologically. And it not only affects him individually because, in addition, the environment close to the perfectionist person can end up getting fed up with their absurdly high standards and telling them the things they do all the time evil.

Perfectionism in relationships is especially harmful. This trait can lead to the paradoxical situation of making love life extremely frustrating and disappointing, source of all kinds of conflicts and tensions. Hardly a person wants to date someone who says they love him but constantly reminds him that he does things wrong, that he is not following her "method" or that he has many defects.

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Different profiles of perfectionist

Not all perfectionists are the same, and therefore the way perfectionism manifests itself in relationships varies. Next we are going to talk about different types of them and what is their implication in human relationships.

1. Who sets unattainable goals

One of the profiles of a book perfectionist is someone who sets himself unattainable and unrealistic goals. These are people who set goals that they will achieve with very little probability, which will bring them a lot of frustration. In addition, they are individuals who do not accept their weaknesses and are very critical of themselves.

It is difficult for them to understand that we are all human, that nobody is perfect and therefore, they have defects that no matter how hard they try it is difficult for them to change. As they continue to be determined to change what cannot be changed, they feel a lot of emotional distress..

This profile does not necessarily imply damage to the life of a couple, but it is difficult to be dating someone who he is not able to see the positive in himself and that he is constantly frustrated because he has very ambitious goals but that he does not achieve attain.

Depression and anxiety are two frequent problems in this profile, in addition to obsessive-compulsive behaviors.

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2. Who wants social recognition

There is another perfectionist profile that is also very common. This is about who wants to be liked by others, who wants to get a lot of social recognition. You want to be accepted and avoid criticism. It is not good to hear negative statements about him or his actions.

People with this type of perfectionism may incur obsessive behaviors that bring them some kind of benefit on a social level. For example, if they want to be recognized socially for their physique, they will join a gym and spend hours and hours training. They will never be satisfied with the exercise routine, and they will try to turn up the difficulty.

Whatever obsessive behavior they engage in, the fact that they do it means less time for them to spend as a couple. In addition, if your obsession involves investing a lot of energy, as is the case with the physical exercise that we have just seen, this it will make that once you are with your partner you will be less prone to do activities with her, especially if he sees them as something that takes time away from improving that skill or characteristic that he believes will bring him some social recognition.

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3. The alien error detector

Finally, we have the perfectionist who sees the mistakes in others to satisfy his own demands. He is the one who believes that nobody does it well, only him. This is the profile that can bring more social conflict because, as he sees others as people who do not know how to do things as they should, following his "method", he starts the conflict with anyone. This is the profile that can blow up the coexistence of a couple.

The external error detector criticizes incessantly how others do things and does not tolerate the errors of others. In the workplace it is easy to recognize it in the figure of the boss who is never happy with your work or in the office colleague who considers that his colleagues are all incompetent. In the realm of the couple, it would be the boyfriend or wife who tries to tell us, incessantly, how we have to do things to make things go well at home.

In relationships, perfectionists of this type are easily irritated. They do not tolerate "mistakes" (what they consider as such) and blame others using an acid sarcasm, name calling, and yelling when describing the person's erratic behavior they say want. As can be assumed, this is an extremely toxic attitude, harmful to the mental health and self-esteem of the other person and that sometimes incurs in mistreatment.

The person who is reprimanded by his perfectionist partner can respond in a number of ways. One of these is not to sit idly by, bounce back, and show feelings of anger and helplessness. If you are a person who needs the approval of others, it can give rise to constant arguments, in addition to a loss of self-esteem if the reprimanded person attributes superiority to the perfectionist person or there is emotional dependence on some type.

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How to handle this perfectionism without damaging the relationship?

Overcoming perfectionism in relationships is complex. To achieve this, the perfectionist must first be made aware of how this trait is limiting her happiness and conditions the relationship with her boyfriend / girlfriend or husband / wife. Getting rid of perfectionism is something that requires a long process of self-knowledge and reflection, and it is preferable to have professional help, especially from a couples psychologist.

The two recommendations that follow can help us to reflect on how perfectionism in our relationship may have been damaging happiness in it.

1. Analyze the effects of this trait on our partner

In order to overcome this type of perfectionism, a good idea is to analyze what effects it is having for the couple. It may be that every time our partner does something, we believe that they have done it wrong, we tell them and a conflict arises. It can also happen that, determined to do something in the most correct way (for example, cleaning the bathroom) we spend hours and hours while we put aside our love life.

It can be many things. The point is that once identified and analyzed, when we return to doing those problematic perfectionist behaviors, we can stop and think about when to make them and put a brake on them. It is not easy, but this is better than not being aware of what perfectionistic behaviors affect our relationship.

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2. Reflect on what perfectionism brings us to our partner

As we've discussed, being a perfectionist doesn't have to be a bad thing. Wanting things to go well and striving to do so is not a bad thing in itself, quite the contrary. Nevertheless, It is when this becomes an obsession and a relational and mental health problem that we can see that it has become harmful.

One of the ways to see if our perfectionism is problematic for our partner is to see what it brings us to our relationship, and also what it takes away from it. Sometimes when we focus on one purpose excessively, we don't realize how much time we waste doing that while we're not spending it with our partner. Others are the amount of conflict that comes with wanting things well done, instead of satisfaction at having everything perfect.

Whatever the specific consequence, the point is that if our perfectionism involves more disadvantages what advantages for our partner we are facing a problem that we should put solution. Having made this reflection, it would be advisable to go to both individual and couple psychotherapy and try to overcome the problem with a professional.