Changes in the Couple when they have children (and how to deal with them)

Returning from the hospital with a small baby in your arms, it is difficult to fathom the magnitude of the changes that are coming. First of all, we have to meet the new member of the family, who enters our lives, with their own needs and demands. But also, we have to meet a new person, who is our partner, in a situation that can be truly stressful.

Our life takes a 360 degree turn and there is a palpable change in family dynamics and in the roles we take on. We can see it from a negative point of view, in fact on some occasions this situation can cause separation of the couple, or try to approach it as a moment of growth, not only for our children, but also as a couple.

• Related article: "Couple crisis: 7 signs that indicate that something is not right"

Main psychological changes when you have a child

These changes occur mostly in the first months of the baby's life and in new parents. Some factors such as sleep deprivation leading to extreme tiredness, changing hormones in both the new mother and father, changes in the role of caring for the house... These are elements that can cause imbalances in the couple, which requires good communication and an extra dose of comprehension.

1. Dealing with fears and hormones

It is important to know that with the arrival of a child at home, the other person is suffering, just like oneself, due to significant changes that they cause fear due to inexperience and the new dynamics that are being generated. Generally we focus on taking care of our child and sometimes we forget to take care of our partner or ourselves.

The change is mutual and this idea is key to developing the empathy necessary to overcome this phase. In addition, there is a biological change, both in men and women, who suffer alterations in the brain produced by hormones, such as oxytocin, which have to be regulated.

• You may be interested in: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

2. Coping with lack of sleep and stress

Sleepless nights take their toll on anyone, but especially when it comes to taking care of a newborn, who requires an extra level of activation to effectively provide care of the baby. These moments, during the early hours of the morning, can bring to light tensions that accumulate throughout the day.

This is the main reason why communication with a partner is the main axis when it comes to raising children. Active listening to the person next to us and transmitting our feelings in a slow and thoughtful wayThese are two good recommendations that can solve many conflicts. This communication can lead us to a better organization of shared parenting, even at home.

3. Sexuality and intimacy take a backseat

It is one of the complaints that most people have when they live with children. Sometimes, we forget to dedicate time to the couple, we focus so much on parenting that we forget to kiss good morning or "I love you" at night. In addition, due to accumulated fatigue and the stress generated by the arrival of children, sexual life takes a backseat.

Again, communication and understanding are key at this time. It is possible that a part of the couple feels a decrease in sexual desire for various reasons, such as lactation or physiological changes in the woman due to pregnancy and childbirth. For this reason, it is necessary to talk with the other party and propose other forms of intimate contactsuch as kisses, hugs and caresses, words of support and gestures of affection.

• Related article: "The importance of sexuality in psychology"

4. Housework in equal parts?

Not necessarily. In this case, the important thing is to achieve a consensual distribution, it does not have to be equitable. Just after the postpartum period, the mother is usually in charge of lactation and must recover from childbirth, so the couple will have to assume a greater number of household tasks. During this period, the couple may have a greater burden of household chores and after these initial moments the responsibility can be distributed.

Another point to take into account is the involvement in parenting, in which both parents should be involved, once again agreeing on the tasks according to the needs of each family, work, leisure time ect.

What to do about this when having a baby?

In summary, the following tips will help you deal with the changes that occur in the couple with the arrival of children:

• open communication, from harmony and respect. Expressing your feelings and concerns honestly will help the other person empathize. On the other hand, listening to our partner will make us connect with her and we can give her support and understanding.
• quality time. It is important to work as a team to care for the children, but it is possible to find a space for dedicate to the couple, to reinforce the emotional bond and give a place to the person to whom we want.
• Accept the changes. Especially the changes that occur in our routine before being parents. With the arrival of the little ones, priorities must be adapted to the new family needs, and accepting this is the key to success as a couple.

In order to have a healthy and balanced relationship when the children arrive, you have to make an effort that possibly we did not have to make before. This implies being aware, not only of the little ones, but also of the person who accompanies us on a day-to-day basis.