I am ashamed of my partner: why is this happening to me and what can I do?

Life as a couple is not always a bed of roses. The normal thing is to go out with someone to whom we see more good things than bad, although it is a matter of time before we are a little more objective and we cannot stop looking at certain negative aspects that, although ignorant, are there.

Sometimes this reaches such great levels that there comes a time when we are somewhat embarrassed to go out with that person, even though we love them and want to continue with the relationship.

Maybe people who say to themselves "I'm ashamed of my partner" be very worried, thinking that they are superficial and bad people to be able to think this. However, there may be an explanation and there are also some solutions. Let's see how.

• Related article: "The 4 types of love: what different kinds of love exist?"

I'm ashamed of my partner

We cannot choose who we fall in love with, because love is beyond our control. There are many times that we fall in love with someone who has little to do with how we are or how our group of friends and family is. Objectively, he may not seem handsome, stylish, with a job that does not meet our expectations and has somewhat eccentric personality traits and unrefined actions. But, despite all these "problems", we still like it.

No one dates someone they completely dislike. When we are in love we are able to see the many qualities that person has, but we also look at little things that we are afraid that they will be mocked or criticized by our friends or family. There are things about our partner that cause us a certain rejection. Yes, you could say that we are ashamed of our partner.

In most cases, the problem is not with him or her, but rather with how we perceive our partner and what we think others will think of him or her. The main problem behind feeling ashamed of our partner is not that they have many negative things or that our environment is critical of our relationships, but that we, as individuals, perceive what others think of everything we do and do not do as more threatening and important. do. We overestimate how bad we think others will see of us and, also, of our partners.

We should not care what others think of our partner because the important thing is that we are comfortable with him or her. If that man or woman makes us laugh, he understands us and satisfies us in private, what others think is superfluous. Also, feeling ashamed of him or her when we are with other people can make us seem shallow. When there is love, the rest matters little.

But, to be fair, not everything is so simple. Regardless of whether this is superficial or not, if we feel uncomfortable about his appearance, behavior or gives us the feeling that our partner does not fit very well in our social life, there is a problem that should be approach.

Yes OK the important thing is that you respect and support us, and that he is a good person, if he does not fit in with our friends and family and is even the cause of dramas and scandals when we are with our acquaintances, it is evident that the relationship is going to go wrong.

• You may be interested: "12 tips to better manage couple arguments"

The role of shame

Shame is a very human emotion and, like the others, it has an evolutionary function. Feeling ashamed is a social reaction that acts as an alarm signal that tries to protect us from being excluded from our social reference group. In this sense, shame can be considered a survival reaction, since outside the group, without receiving its support and protection, it would be very difficult for us to survive.

Speaking of feeling ashamed of our partner, we can take the opportunity to talk about the so-called “vicarious reflector effect”. This effect consists of believing that others pay much more attention to us and our actions than they actually do. But let's not worry because, although it may seem paranoid, it is totally normal for us to feel that others notice what we do or do not do, another thing is that this is real. It is simply one of the many psychological phenomena that influence our social perception.

Taking this into account, it is logical to think that this phenomenon also occurs when we go with our partner in public, especially with people whose opinion and attitudes towards us are very important to us, such as friends and relatives. It is normal to feel some shame and fear for what they will think of our partner, because now that we are with another person their actions will become our actions. Meaningful relationships are incorporated into our "I", becoming a "we".

In a positive sense, traits in our partner that we perceive as positive can boost our self-esteem. However, if we perceive his or her behavior as socially inappropriate, we will feel that the people will think that their way of being is also ours, because as we have commented here there is a "us". Couples are not perceived as two individuals, but as a whole. What one of the members of the relationship says and does is also associated and attributed to the other, even if that other has not done anything.

• Related article: "The 8 types of emotions (classification and description)"

I am ashamed of my partner's social image

We may feel ashamed about the social image we perceive of our partner. This can happen when, after dating for a while and having exhausted the infatuation stage, we begin to perceive our partner in a more "objective" light and that their way of being in public does not quite convince us.

If this is the situation, you should ask yourself what do you really want. If it happens that your partner is one way, perhaps there are certain aspects of his life that you do not like, in the same way that he or she does not have to like absolutely everything about you.

But nevertheless, we cannot subject our partner to changes that are beyond their possibilities and, of course, of your will. We cannot change someone for who he is not, nor force him to do so.

• You may be interested: "Social pressure: what it is, characteristics and how it affects us"

Why wasn't I embarrassed before?

One of the main reasons why we feel ashamed of our partner now and not before is that heas people we change. It's that simple.

What used to amuse us when going out with him or her now bores us or even seems childish, like going on a spree or playing practical jokes. This is especially so when you have been in the relationship for many years, have children and at least one of both parties have matured, seeing the other as a person who is still in a more youthful stage of their life.

It can also happen that we have changed our social circle, one in which our partner's behavior has become decontextualized and we do not know very well if they are going to receive it well. Many times, what began to be attractive about our partner ends up becoming annoying due to repetition., the passage of time and, above all, when that action becomes decontextualized.

My partner keeps doing what I have told him that I am embarrassed

We may be aware of what it is about our partner that makes us ashamed. Not only that, but we have also let him know, maybe in a bit of a brusque way.

It is possible that what we do not like about our partner does not seem so bad to him and that it does not purpose, but rather as a habit, something you have learned unconsciously and without the intention of disturb anyone. If he had known from the beginning that we don't like the way he behaves or does things, he most likely would have prevented it from becoming a habit.

Now we are faced with the problem that it is something that is so internalized and automated that it will cost you horrors to get rid of the habit that bothers us so much. And since he has been doing it for a while, if we tell him right now that this bothers us, he will interpret it as that we have been insincere or that we are exaggerating.

The change is going to be difficult, especially if we have told him in bad ways and not explaining why what he says or does causes us shame. Responding with a simple "that's wrong" or "I'm embarrassed" does not clarify things. If we have done it from criticism, scolding and prohibition of behavior, we will obtain just the opposite effect: that our partner does what most often causes us shame. He feels threatened his freedom to act as he wants.

• Related article: "How do you know when to go to couples therapy? 5 compelling reasons"

To do?

As we have commented, feeling shame has a lot to do with how we ourselves perceive what is happening around us than how things really are. When we feel ashamed of our partner, in most cases it is because we believe that others judge us negatively. because of something he or she does, not because what he or she does or says is necessarily wrong or because it really matters to others.

However, if there really is something in his behavior or his way of being that we consider to be harmful to us and a real problem, it is legitimate to tell him and expect him to change it. However, we must tell him assertively and with an appropriate tone because no person receives as something positive to know that his partner feels ashamed of her.

You should talk about the subject without criticizing, without scolding and never during the moment when he has done or said something that has upset us. It's better to talk about it later, when we're all calmer. It is no use telling him at the time the events occur because he will hardly have the opportunity to do something about it.

Let him know that you are not comfortable with what he has done or said, but avoid at all costs reproaching him for his behavior with offensive and harsh words. It is not a good idea to say things like "that was very bad", "you are vulgar", "that was silly"...

The last thing you need right now is for your partner to get defensive., feeling attacked listening to your acid and harsh comments. As soon as he feels attacked, he will stop listening to you because he will be more concerned with how to articulate his defense and, later, attacking you by telling you what he is ashamed of the way you act. to be.

You should tell him how you think that way of behaving could affect both of you. If it turns out that it only affects you, then the main problem is that it is something that bothers you., and probably the solution is in you more than in the other person.