Affective responsibility: truths and myths in our relationships

Our personal relationships, even more so sentimental ones, are one of the most intense and complex experiences of our lives. We find well-being, very deep links that are maintained over time and condition your life and your decisions, and at the same time, the greatest difficulties arise: fears, insecurity, guilt, jealousy or frustration. One of these difficulties is affective responsibility.

But... When is there really a lack of affective responsibility in our relationships? How can we solve it?

• Related article: "What is social psychology?"

Understanding affective responsibility

Although we usually think that most of the needs to attend a psychological consultation or experience a process of change are related to anxiety, discouragement or emotional or self-esteem problems, actually experiencing difficulties with our relationships is the reason elderly. In fact, it is the difficulties in our relationships that later can trigger self-esteem or emotional problems.

However, the solution is not to blame the other (something unfortunately very common in our world digital and social networks) but to work on your own personal change (since your well-being depends mainly of you).

What really is affective responsibility or lack of affective responsibility? To what extent have you lived it or are you living it? How could you solve that difficulty within a relationship?

My name is Rubén Camacho, a psychologist and Human Empowerment coach, and this difficulty is increasingly common in change processes where I accompany people with relationship difficulties. Sometimes, the problem is in how we approach the relationship, and in others, in how we manage certain emotions that lead us towards that lack of affective responsibility or, on the contrary, knowing how to set limits and manage uncertainty.

The objective that we have in this article is not only to read tips, but also to delve into what this problem really is, where it comes from, and above all that you can solve it thanks to your own personal change, since that is what will give you well-being, self-esteem and security. Let's go for it.

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Affective responsibility and myths in the digital world

In our digital world, many myths are published and spread. It is important to understand our context: we live in the era of over-information through networks, and this implies that not everything that is published is true. Concepts as frequent as "toxic people", or the inappropriate use of "psychopathies" or "narcissism" is becoming more and more common and harms our concept of relationships.

However, affective responsibility is a real difficulty that occurs in consultation and frequently, although not in the way they are usually told in small phrases.

emotional responsibility is the ability to be consistent in our affective relationships. If we make an appointment with a person at a specific time and we do not attend (without it being for a major cause that has prevented it) we have not fulfilled our common responsibility. In relationships, it happens in a similar way. We are affectively responsible when our communication and actions are consistent and we are aware of the implications of our actions for the other. And this does not always happen, which generates uncertainty and anxiety in the other.

When this affective responsibility does not exist, promises are made that cannot be fulfilled, or on the contrary, they are meet expectations of the other too high but only for a time, to finally isolate emotionally.

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What can lead a person to have a lack of affective responsibility?

The reasons can be very varied. Sometimes, it is a matter of meeting someone else's expectations to ensure the relationship, and this habit is not possible to maintain over time. On other occasions it is about how fear and insecurity are managed, which is why emotional and affective isolation is generated.

What do we do if we interact with a person who you think has this difficulty? What to do if you feel it? How do we solve it?

We are going to see first of all what a lack of affective responsibility is not (so that you are not confused by the publications on networks) and how you can solve the problem if you live in a relationship where the other behaves with a lack of emotional responsibility or if this happens to you you.

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What is and is not a lack of affective responsibility

To solve the common confusion that our digital world causes today, we are going to specify what is not a lack of affective responsibility:

• Silence after discussion
• Find spaces of solitude
• Isolating yourself from certain conversations or discussions that generate stress (it's not that the person does not want to get involved, but rather make your decision assertively or look for the correct way to do it according to your odds)
• Make own decisions outside the couple (but that do not affect it directly)
• Not meeting your expectations (since they usually cannot be met)

If a person has these characteristics only, are due to the usual difficulties of the relationship, and it is not a lack of affective responsibility.

When we do have a lack of affective responsibility, the following occurs:

• Making exaggerated promises or statements that cannot be fulfilled (the typical "promise the moon")
• Promising absolute and unconditional support (which can also be unrealistic or frustrating)
• Wanting to experience the benefits of a relationship but discarding or isolating yourself from shared responsibilities (household, commitment, etc.)

In short: a lack of affective responsibility implies an isolation of the emotional and affective implications that arise in relationships, which generates uncertainty, insecurity and even anxiety in the other person.

What to do if you relate to someone with a lack of affective responsibility

If you believe maintain a relationship with a person with this difficulty, the first step will always be to focus on your learning instead of blaming the other.

When we focus too much on the other (even blaming him or seeing his problems) we are depositing part of our well-being in an external factor that we cannot control, and hence the difficulties with our self esteem.

Your own personal change leads you to the following learnings:

• Learn to communicate assertively: to establish clear limits, reach specific agreements, express what you want, what you don't want, what you can, what you can't, etc. Assertive communication brings clarity and security to the relationship
• That your well-being depends mainly on you: this is the key to a self-esteem that works. If your well-being depends mainly on you, it will be easier to face these types of difficulties
• Learn to understand and manage your emotions: above all the emotions of fear, insecurity, uncertainty and anxiety, so frequent when we experience problems in our relationships

• You may be interested: "Assertiveness: 5 basic habits to improve communication"

What to do if you find it difficult to live with affective responsibility

In this case, it is also not useful for you to blame yourself or to consider that the other person's discomfort depends on you. On many occasions, I have accompanied people who felt guilty in their relationships and discovered that there was an excess of badly managed guilt.

To work this problem you need to focus on three aspects:

• What prevents you from living your relationship responsibly in an affective sense? Affective responsibility does not imply giving more than you can or want, but rather being assertive with yourself and your possibilities. It is usually the fear and vulnerability that we feel in relationships that prevent us from this affective expression.
• Learn to communicate faithfully to what is happening: also assertively and empathetically, to show honesty and clear limits
• Live a process of personal change to leave fears and insecurities behind, as well as to manage other emotions such as impulsiveness or guilt

On many occasions, the difficulties in behaving responsibly in an affective sense they are due to not having developed certain skills due to our character traits (such as a tendency to introversion). These skills may be more difficult for some people to develop, but with personal work and time they can flourish.

The solution lies in your own personal work

One of the most important lessons we can learn in our relationships is that we cannot control the other. In our relationships we share well-being, but we cannot control that well-being or bond. Hence, fears, insecurities, and other emotional difficulties appear that, if we do not know how to manage in time, cause us anguish, self-esteem problems or anxiety.

The only solution is in your own personal work. Whether you have related or relate to someone with a lack of affective responsibility as if it happens to you, the only solution is focus on your own change. What would have to change or develop in you for everything else to change?

Living a process of practical and profound change is not a decision for extreme or urgent cases, but above all a learning process of discovery and self-knowledge that helps you set limits, know what you want, and how to manage everything you feel in relationships so that your emotions are in your favor instead of in your against.

For this reason, a process of change must have a constant expert company, where you feel that company at all times and not occasionally, and also flexible and with various tools (not only with sessions). If you want to experience this process, a first step would be to schedule a first exploratory session. In this session, which you can have from home and with freedom of schedules, we get to know each other, we can delve into your problem and find a solution that is stable: that is to say, that helps you feel better now, but also that you can internalize and serve you for the future. future. You can easily schedule this session at Human Empowerment.

I send you a lot of encouragement and above all curiosity for you. Every relationship and experience helps us get to know each other, learn and move forward.

Thanks for thinking of you.

Ruben Camacho