The 3 phases of the couple

The couple is evolutionary, because through life there is a process in which three fundamental stages can be indicated in it: the first is confluence, the second is called divergence-convergence, and the third stage is coexistence.

The passage from one stage to the other does not occur without crisis, which is inserted in the vital process. Let's see it in this article.

The main stages of the couple

Here you will find a brief summary of the states that relationships can go through if given enough time.

1. Confluence (or infatuation) stage

It is called thus referring to the fact that It is like the confluence of two rivers that come together to form a single. The greatest confluent experience of the human being is the experience of love, since in it the sense of individuality is lost.

In this first stage there is an irruption of sentimentality and destruction of “individualizing” limits between experience and reality, with a strong emphasis on the aesthetic and the subjective. Confluence is the compensatory response to the existential loneliness left by the break with the father and mother, a typically adolescent phenomenon.

Characteristics:

• It is obsessive: it cannot be more than the other and no one else.

• Idealization of the other: the other is seen as we would like to see it, with the qualities, values ​​and characteristics that we would like to see in the ideal model of a couple that each person has created.

• Poor contact with reality: dreams come true; fantasy and magic make things appear as they are not, but are still seen "as if they were reality".

• it's irrational: does not accept logic or reasons or arguments that highlight the deficiencies or limitations of the relationship.

• It becomes possessive: falling in love returns to the members of the couple: aggressive, possessive, absorbing, exclusive and exclusivist.

• Generosity without limits: the deepest and fastest changes that can be imagined take place, always for the desire to please the other and win him over.

• There is a true identification: both are submerged inside the other and think, love, feel and react together as well as adapt to each other's tastes, hobbies, desires and demands.

• Each one is shown from his existential project: everything is given soul, heart and feeling with a touch of transcendence; and at the same time the material, the carnal, the sexual and the audacious are experienced. The satisfying and pleasurable.

Problems in this phase:

• It is ephemeral and transitory and when it ends, you have to return to time, to space, to reality.

• How it produces such intense pleasure, presents an evasion of individual responsibility and produces the sensation of wanting to possess the other.

• In this phase the load is not felt. It is a symbiotic relationship where no one is needed.

When does this first stage end?

This confluence stage It tends to come to an end when the stronger one gets bored with dominating, and the weaker one resents it and accumulates negative reactions. of revulsion to dominance. Thus, they enter into a crisis and the situation of dependence and domain.

Crisis factors

Let's see the main aspects that cause the relationship to enter into crisis at this stage.

First of all, by awareness of one's own reality. The awareness of one's own limitations changes the image one had of oneself by feeling incapable and powerless. This awareness of one's own limitation or weakness puts the confluent relationship in crisis and the tendency to find a "lover" with whom the confluence stage would be restarted, with the aggravating circumstance that, in this relationship, the confluence stage tends to be perpetuated due to the lack of legal bond stable.

Second, for the awareness of the limitations of the other: when the limitations, reactions, impulses or gaps of the other appear clearly, the awareness of the "change" in the other is created.

Third, for awareness of the demands of the world and the context. The economic requirements of the maintenance of the home, the affective, professional, time, children, education, health, etc., they make the confluent couple wake up and put them in a relational crisis, blaming each other: "It's that you waste...", "it's that you no longer have time…".

can also happen by the awareness of the frustrated aspirations. The bitter awareness of the aspirations that have not been realized now becomes the awareness of having believed in utopias.

Finally, for sexual frustrations: Thanks to these frustrations, rigidity, insensitivity, distance are experienced, for which reason one refuses to have relations with the other, who in turn feels disillusioned, disappointed. This gives the couple a mutual feeling of misunderstanding and rejection, "he doesn't accept me like before", "we are different”, and now they are incompatible in tastes, hobbies, and interest, which leads to perceive themselves deceived and disappointed.

Alternatives:

• Recognize that we are individuals and that, therefore, there is a border between the I and the You. A deep respect for the individuality of the other Self.

• Now is when authentic, explicit, sincere communication is necessary, without waiting for the other to guess my concerns and my questions.

• Attitude to see the other with respect, recognition and deep understanding.

It is important to recognize that the conjugal relationship and the communication of the couple is a process. It is not that now they are different, it is not that they have been deceived, but that the true reality of what they have always been has already been discovered. The end of the confluence is not good, nor is it bad, it is simply the completion of one stage of the process to continue another.

2. Divergence - Convergence Stage

In the case of divergence, at this stage each one begins to individualize to assume each his own identity. They begin to reject dependency and make demands for the recognition of their own rights. This is where the conflict is generally created and it is up to the couple to learn to use affective communication and develop self-support so that the conflict is faced with maturity and from love.

At this stage there are claims, more tenderness, more time, more equality is demanded by someone. The other, on his part, expresses his overwhelm in the face of these demands, highlights the carelessness of the counterpart and the way in which he is absorbed by the demanding attitude of his partner.

This in addition is aggravated by the polarization of functions when the children appear, one in charge of upbringing and education, and the other of the economic part to provide stability. In these polarized roles, the part that takes care of the affectivity with the children compensates for the frustrations in other fields, while the who is in charge of the economic burden does not have this escape and it is when infidelity tends to appear, mainly to flee from a crisis affective

The one who is in charge of the affective and educational role with the children generally limits their social contact and when contacted with an attitude of loneliness they become an even more demanding and absorbing person. In turn, the person in charge of the economic part feels disappointed by the demand, since all his He has perceived his effort and work as a sign of his love to provide security and survival.

The one who performs the economic role feels important and valuable; however, the polarized counterpart develops an economic dependency that he feels that his freedom is coerced.

This situation entails:

• To a parallel relationship: Few common experiences. There is a feeling that the other does not understand me.

• Intimate communication ends for fear that the other reproaches me, or withdraws in on himself. With this the affective bond deteriorates and they feel distant and often strangers.

• Confronting differences is avoided and the personal response is silence. They hide behind their own tasks.

• Internal relationship problems are hidden, and external ones are revealed: fatigue, work, monotony, peculiar characteristics.

• Each one seeks, in the face of the conflict, to establish itself with his family, or with his friends, and with this the differences of the families that become rivals are accentuated.

The sexual conflict and the differences in ethical values ​​appear. Infidelity or aggressiveness appears, an economic bankruptcy or problems of alcoholism, addiction or hyperwork among others are exacerbated, with which gives a breakup of the couple or awareness of the breakdown of the marital relationship, to seek reconciliation or help professional.

When convergence occurs, is the phase in which the couple, through full contact and affective communication, begins to find points of convergence to overcome their conflicts.

This is the stage in which the couple acquires the skills to:

• Do not let differences go by, and learn to confront each other when they are not emotionally disturbed.
• Be very realistic, remembering that differences are the starting point to grow and truly integrate.
• Confront the limitations and their gaps, to seek an authentic complementation.
• Remember that the bond is born from overcoming conflicts.
• Do not let conflicts and frustrations undermine trust and mutual respect.
• Do not involve children in relationship conflicts between them.
• Remember that it is not about living in an ideal couple but in reality, and loving who they really are.

3. Coexistence Stage

It is the stage in which the couple deepens their love, recovers the lost trust, they reconquer affectively to rebuild the affective bond and prepare to, if there are any, evolve with their children.

Problems are not to be missed, but the couple is already capable of facing and assimilating them in a climate of acceptance, understanding and authenticity. The dialogue becomes deeper, more intimate; confidence fully returns and fears of expressing one's own opinions become habitual.

Knowing the other spouse in depth makes you assume a more flexible and less rigid attitude towards him.

All this creates a deep adaptation to each other, to change what can be changed, and accept those that cannot be changed with feelings of respect for the other.

There will be no shortage of conflicts, reasons for discussion, and differences will remain, but we live in a climate that is not recriminatory or blameworthy.

The spouses who have already reached the stage of dispersion feel alone again, but with joy, they plan their coexistence again in the solitude of two.

The couple is a life process that is born, grows, develops and matures becoming a "we" of increasing depth and intimacy. This is the only way to achieve the stability of the couple and the irrevocability of love, without fear or fear of the future, for the good and happiness of both.