How to create realistic commitments in couple relationships

Commitment is a concept that refers to an aspect that can be very complicated to carry out. Commitment means making an effort, persevering and fight to do, maintain, care for or achieve what has been agreed upon, be it with oneself or with others.

Many people are scared, and they avoid committing themselves. There are those who only commit when they are going to do it for real. Others commit themselves over and over again to different things and people knowing that they will never comply and others in the face of adversity will back down.

We can commit ourselves to many things, but probably one of the aspects with which this concept is most often associated is with that of affective and couple relationships. That is why in this article we are going to talk about how to establish healthy commitments in relationships.

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Contextualizing the concept of commitment in love

To commit to something or to someone, to have and maintain one's word and loyalty in the face of an obligation. In the context of a couple, we understand as commitment the will and permanence in the situation and in the relationship, to maintain the relationship in a solid way until the end despite the difficulties that may emerge.

The commitment supposes the assumption of responsibility in the maintenance, care and evolution of the relationship, the elaboration of a common project of which both members want to be part. Now, for it to be such, it has to be seen as something positive and desirable, not as an imposition or something cumbersome. It is necessary the existence of a mutual interest and in the duration of the relationship. It also requires a similar assessment of what is expected of the relationship and an acceptance of what both members of the couple want.

It is necessary to take into account that communication is a key element for there to be a commitment with the couple: each person is a world and it is necessary that both members communicate their expectations in this regard. The idea of ​​fidelity is one of these aspects, as well as the will to have or not have children, the distribution of roles and tasks or priorities.

Commitment is therefore a key element when it comes to having a relationship. The lack of it on the part of one or both members of the couple can lead to the failure of the relationship, generating great suffering to both members (especially to the part that is involved) or even not being formed as such beyond an adventure.

Sternberg's love triangle

The idea of ​​commitment is something that has been considered within love relationships for ages. centuries, and has been included in various theories regarding romantic attraction and the formation of couples. One of the best-known theories today is the one proposed by Sternberg.

For this author, there are very different types of love, which depend on the interaction between three key components: passion, intimacy and commitment.

Passion refers to the most instinctive and emotional quality, desire and need, the energetic, romantic and sexual part of the relationship. Intimacy would refer to the most sentimental and bonding part, the desire to protect and love the other person and to open up and receive from each other. Lastly, the commitment would refer to what we were discussing moments before: the willingness to bet, maintain and stay in the relationship regardless of the difficulties.

A love without commitment could be a mere infatuation (if it is based solely on passion) or affection (if the basis is intimacy). It is possible to find romantic love in a situation with a relative lack of commitment, with passion and intimacy. If there is intimacy and commitment we would find ourselves before a sociable love (perhaps closer to friendship), without passion and with little desire.

If there is hardly any intimacy but there is passion and commitment, we would find ourselves with a fatuous love. Finally, if there is only commitment but there is no more passion and intimacy, we would be facing an empty love (a commitment, in this case, rather experienced as an imposition). The ideal of love would be consummate love, in which the three previous components would be balanced. However, it is the most difficult to achieve.

But That at a specific moment there is a specific type of love does not mean that it cannot change over time. Passion, intimacy and commitment can come and go, train and develop.

• Related article: "Sternberg's triangular theory of love"

How to create healthy and realistic commitments in relationships

Creating and maintaining commitment in a relationship can be more difficult than it seems. In order to try to generate and maintain it, it is advisable to take into account the importance of the following aspects.

1. Communication

As we have said before, one of the keys for a commitment to exist is the fact that both express what they expect from their relationship, what they are willing and to what extent they are willing to commit. It is not a question of setting fixed limits, but of make it clear what can be expected from each other and if there is a willingness to get involved and maintain the relationship. Likewise, communication allows problems and relevant issues to be negotiated and not become entrenched and make it difficult to be in tune with the couple.

• You may be interested in: "Assertive communication: how to express yourself clearly"

2. Honesty

Together with the previous point, another of the essential elements to have and maintain a bond of commitment is honesty. We must be able to express ourselves authentically and without pretense, in such a way that we can indicate what we want, what we are looking for and what fills us.

3. do things together

Something essential to generate a bond in which there is commitment is the fact of having a common project, elements that unite you. Just spending time together doesn't have to create commitment, but spend time discovering each other and the things we like about our partner strengthens the relationship and the determination to preserve it.

4. Beware of unrealistic expectations

One possible problem that can make it difficult to have a stable commitment is having unrealistic expectations about the other person or about the relationship. We must bear in mind that in relationships there are also bumps and difficult moments, and this does not mean that the commitment has to be broken. Likewise, thinking that the other person has excessively high expectations of ourselves or demands too much of us can also end up weakening the commitment.

The solution is, as in all cases, to communicate efficiently and fluently. It is also possible to work on the beliefs and expectations in question.

have your own space

Although it is necessary to be together and communicate, it is not healthy to generate a suffocating and oppressive relationship in which everything has to be done together. It is necessary that each one have their space and their time for themselves. The opposite can weaken the commitment due to excessive pressure.

work your fears

One of the aspects that makes it difficult to maintain a commitment is the fact of being afraid of what it entails. Dealing with this fear may require overcoming traumatic personal situations (for example, previous breakups or infidelities that make it difficult to want to trust another person). It is also possible that there may be a lack of commitment due to fear of losing freedom, a fear that must also be discussed and treated.