Relationships: 'Neither with you nor without you'

What is it and why do we allow it?

If at some point in your life you have found yourself in the situation of being trapped in a type of toxic relationship, which doesn't just make you happy, but from which you can't get rid of either, this article will she will help.

That person with whom you have fallen in love, who comes and goes, who sometimes shows interest in you, but other times disappears without explanation, or who calls you when you least expect it you wait, but she is not there when you need her, she is the type of person you should stay away from, she is an unhealthy love that will damage your dignity and your self-esteem without hardly giving you account. It is a relationship that consumes your energy, your positivity and your state of mind..

It can destroy your mental health and it is necessary to set limits and get rid of it as soon as possible.

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How to detect this situation?

You must detect if you are in a relationship based on "with you or without you", on interest and selfishness, a relationship in which, despite having beautiful feelings towards that person, we can not feel good, we do not enjoy, we do not feel loved or have the feeling of receiving the same what we give

Here are some clues that can help you detect if you are living in a relationship like this:

• Sometimes he looks for you, but other times he is not there or does not respond.
• When you walk away, surprisingly is when you get her attention the most.
• She can show interest in your life, but the next day she doesn't even ask how you are.
• He's always there when he feels like the center of attention or needs something from you to feed his ego, otherwise you don't hear back.
• He keeps you on the phone until late. He tends to leave you in "seen" often in conversations.
• He never expresses her feelings clearly and evades the subject if you try to talk about yours.
• He has a knack for making you feel guilty, or making you believe that you are overwhelming him with your behavior.
• You don't feel valued or valued. You can come to feel used.
• You are desperately looking for a way to surprise that person, to please them, to do everything possible to keep them by your side.
• You are afraid to say what you feel or what you think in case it causes them to distance themselves.
• Sometimes you come to feel bad about yourself for allowing certain situations. You feel anger towards yourself.

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And we ask ourselves 'why do I allow it?'

Behind this question there may be thousands of answers, but the most frequent are usually the fear of abandonment, low self esteem and a vital trajectory that, due to certain circumstances, leads us to an emotional dependency in our interpersonal relationships, as well as low self-esteem. In love it is necessary to assume that there are times when you have to lose, or even win depending on how you look at it, since you may be getting rid of a person who is not good for you.

What is clear is that the fear of abandonment causes us to look for any excuse to continue next to that person and put up with things that we know hurt us and we don't want to see. Self-deception sometimes makes us angry because it makes us wonder what we are doing and why. Hope is the first thing that, in this case, we must lose, because if we do, we will stop feeding the fantasy of being able to change things, of turning them into what we want. This prevents us from seeing reality objectively and clings to continuing to allow a totally harmful situation for us.

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Why do these people behave this way?

It is an easy type of question to ask, but whose answer is somewhat complex and difficult to hit.as there are many factors at play.

People who "do not eat or let eat", want to have your attention when they need it, but without any kind of commitment, because they get something pleasant from you, either through your words and treatment, or even through the sexual relations they can have with you. Be that as it may, you feed their ego and their perception of themselves and that is the only thing they seek without caring about anything else, they are selfish and enjoy being so.

Within this type of behavior or need, it would seem logical to think that when you stop offering them what they want, look for it because they miss it, but do not be confused, because it is not you or your person who they want, but what they you give. If he really loved you, and knowing what you feel, he would walk away from you so as not to make you suffer or keep getting hooked on the idea of ​​getting into a relationship, which he will never be willing to offer you.

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How can I escape from such a relationship?

Keep in mind these guidelines:

• Cut any kind of relationship with that person.
• Focus on working on your routine and your social and family environment. Carry out plans that make you feel good and help you disconnect and enjoy.
• Delete those conversations or audio notes that you refer to over and over again when you think of that person. This will only serve you to keep present an illusion and hope that will self-destruct you.
• Stop being aware of their movements through third parties or their social networks.
• Do not deceive yourself, try to draw the situation you are experiencing in another person, and reflect on what you would say or advise. Listen to yourself, you will be surprised!

• See your psychologist so they can help you work on the behaviors that have led you to allow this type of relationship. It is important that you work on yourself.