My partner gets angry and doesn't talk to me: why it happens and what to do

A couple relationship that is maintained over time is going to experience, sooner or later, some kind of conflict. Despite the fact that almost no one finds them pleasant, in reality their existence is healthy, since it allows them to express emotions and thoughts and negotiate guidelines for action and intermediate points.

However, it is necessary to know how to manage them, and this may not be so easy. This is influenced by previous partner experiences, the different styles when it comes to managing problems or even various personality traits.

Some people, for example, find that After an argument with her partner, she gets angry and doesn't talk to him.. Why is this happening? How to react? Throughout this article we will try to give some answers to these questions.

• Related article: "12 tips to better manage couple arguments"

The law of ice: he gets angry and does not speak to me

In all relationships, and especially those of a couple, it is relatively frequent that for some reason Conflicts, small fights and disputes appear, in which both members of the couple end up getting angry.

In some people, an argument means that one party stops talking to the other and ignores it. When employed voluntarily, This way of proceeding is popularly known as the law of ice..

This is an action pattern in which the person who gets angry stops talking to the other for a while, during which It is possible that not only is there a behavioral silence, but also that the subject who practices it isolates himself mentally and emotionally. The absence of communication can be complete, or limit yourself to short, dry and even monosyllabic answers. It is also probable that in addition to silence there are contradictions between verbal and non-verbal communication.

This conduct, with great similarities with the phenomenon of ghosting, can have different objectives and stems in part from a personality that can be either immature or arise from an attempt to suppress the emotional reaction that arises in oneself or in the couple. It can be used defensively or aggressively. (either to protect themselves from damage from the other or to cause it in the other).

As a general rule, it is usually used only for the duration of a conflict or for a period of time. more or less short, but sometimes solitary confinement can remain for periods prolonged.

This way of acting is actually highly maladaptive because it will generate pain and dissatisfaction, and In fact, it has been observed that it contributes to deteriorating satisfaction with the relationship and the bond of couple. In addition, it also does not allow working on the aspects that have generated the anger, with which the reason for the conflict can remain latent.

Some common causes of this reaction

As we have seen, not speaking to your partner after getting angry with them can be due to many different motivations. Among them, some of the most common are the following.

1. Manage your own emotions

One of the defensive causes of this type of behavior is that which occurs when the ignorant subject does not see able to cope with the emotions aroused by the argument or the presence of the partner with whom he has just had a relationship argue.

In these cases the subject seeks an escape or avoidance of emotions that he does not know how to manage appropriately, either for fear of doing or saying something that will harm the relationship or that will make you have to give in to something you are not willing to do. It usually occurs in very rational people and little connected with their emotions, or in those who are highly emotional but have difficulties managing them.

2. End a painful argument

Sometimes when one of the members of the couple stops talking to the other after getting angry, the objective is to try to end the argument. In this case we are dealing with defensive behavior that does not allow solving what has caused the conflict, although you can seek to resume the conversation in a calmer situation or after preparing some type of argument.

3. Forgiveness Petition Search

In some cases, the cessation of communication seeks restitution or compensation from the other, generally as a request for forgiveness. It is an aggressive position that seeks to modify the performance of the other. It is largely similar to the following point, with the difference that In this case, you are not really looking to do harm just because but the other realizes that the subject considers that a certain level of discomfort has been generated.

4. manipulate behavior

Another of the most common causes of this behavior is an attempt by the ignorant to get what they want. The silence becomes uncomfortable and painful so that the one who receives it, that he can feel bad and modify her behavior in order to please the other.

We are basically facing a type of behavior with overtones of psychological violence in which one of the members may be forced to do something they do not want to do, in such a way that freedom is restricted staff.

5. "punish" the other

Another of the causes of the appearance of the law of ice is an attempt to harm the other as a punishment or sanction for a possible affront, be it real (an argument or a confessed or real infidelity) or imagined (for example by jealousy). In this case we are before somewhat immature behavior that does not allow progress and a resolution of the conflict, in addition to being able to have abusive characteristics in some cases.

Effects on those who suffer from this type of hostility

The fact that your partner gets angry and does not speak to you usually affects the person who suffers it, regardless of the objective of the person who is ignoring it. As a general rule, the person will feel rejected, something that can cause pain and suffering. And it is that being ignored by someone we love is a source of stress.

This pain can even be physical: it is not uncommon for headaches, neck pain or intestinal discomfort to appear. It is also possible that feelings of guilt, sleep problems and vascular changes and blood pressure may appear. In some cases, endocrine deregulations and changes in glucose levels may even appear.

In addition to the above, performance and execution problems may appear due to the concern that this behavior can generate, as well as demotivation and loss of desire to do things. It can also generate anger and resentment. against the one who ignores us, as well as losing some illusion towards said person and even rethinking some aspects of the relationship or the convenience of maintaining it or not.

a form of abuse

So far we have talked about different reasons why one of the members of the couple stops talking to the other product of anger, which It can be anything from an attempt to take time to manage one's emotions to a form of punishment for some kind of perceived wrong (whether or not real).

However, there are occasions when there is a cessation or decrease in the communication of the couple in an active way, not in the context of a specific conflict, but as a control mechanism that is used constantly throughout the relationship.

In other words, we must bear in mind that although it can be used occasionally without having to as a real target to do harm, can be one of the expressions of the presence of abuse psychological. And it is that deep down, if it is done intentionally we are facing a type of passive violence towards the couple who seeks to manipulate or harass her through her invisibility.

In these cases we would be facing the use of the presence or absence of communication as an instrument used regularly to make the other feel unimportant.

In these cases, the intention is to do harm and put the couple in inferior conditions: silence has as its objective to harass the other by pretending that he does not exist or that what he thinks or says is not important in order to shape his behavior in such a way that it does what the subject wants or simply in order to make him or her suffer in order to maintain dominance over him or her.

How to react to this situation

Finding yourself in this situation can be highly frustrating and we may not know what to do. In this sense, it is advisable, first of all, to try not to respond with the same behavior, since this can eventually lead to a symmetrical escalation of the conflict, a worsening of the situation and a deterioration of the relations.

It is worth asking in the first place about the causes of the anger or the reason that may have caused the couple to stop talking to us. It's about trying to see things from the other's perspective., although the fact that he ignores us makes us angry or upset, in order to understand why he may be reacting like this. In the same way, we must also assess whether our own conduct can be responsible for it, and if so, try to repair the possible damage caused.

It is essential to try to approach the other in a positive way and try to show that the lack of communication is causing suffering in us, as well as making it difficult to resolve the conflict. It is about promoting communication that allows both members to express what they feel and think freely and without fear.

However, it is not necessary to be excessively insistent: sometimes it may be necessary to let the other subject reflect on the situation. Forcing things can be counterproductive.

It must also be taken into account that we must respect ourselves, and in the event that the behavior persists and our attempts are unsuccessful for a while, it may be necessary to set limits regarding what we are willing to tolerate. It is even possible to rethink even the terms of the relationship. We must also be able to distance ourselves from the situation and see it in perspective, so that it does not cause us suffering or reduce its impact.

In the case of abusive and toxic dynamics that seek to manipulate the ignored and harm them without further ado, it is not appropriate to give in given that this can give rise to the use of this method as a dynamic to achieve one's own goals. purposes. In addition it is also necessary to set limits and move away from this type of relationship.

It may be useful in some cases to consider going to professional help, such as couples therapy, or individual therapy for one or both members. Also strengthening our communication skills and managing emotions can be very useful.

Bibliographic references:

• Dahrendorf, R. (1996). Elements for a theory of social conflict. Madrid: Tecnos. p. 128.