Effective communication in the couple

Fortunately, it is still common for couples to go to therapy, and it is striking that each time they are couples with a wider age range, as this means that therapy is normalizing, even in couples greater.

Within the situations that are worked in consultation, the variety is great, although there is a common element that is observed behind many conflicts and disagreements: communication.

• Related article: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

The importance of effective communication in the couple

It is almost a cliché to say that lack of communication is behind coexistence and relationship conflicts in couples, families or teams, but it is still something very real. To specify and illustrate what I am presenting here, I would like to focus on a topic that seems very obvious, but is not so obvious: understanding the other and their points of view.

Many times communication stagnates because we want the other person to understand what we want to explain, that she is able to put herself in our shoes and see what we see. We forget that the claim of the other person, in many cases, is exactly the same and that can block communication actions.

First understand the other person, before pretending to be understood. That would be a good motto; It is important to take the first step in the intention to understand, mutual understanding would be guaranteed if we did so, since we would come together in the will to listen.

When we do it the other way around, what usually happens is that we attribute a negative intention to the other party, we prejudge and provoke defensive attitudes that open the door to feelings of attack, blocking communication and activating resentment, misunderstanding, helplessness and a great chain of negative emotions that will lead to a possible conflict of more or less dimensions large.

It would be convenient if, in an act of communication, we were able to detect who is the person with the highest level of anxiety or urgency to present their ideas and in expressing her state and that we gave her the first place to begin the sequence of understanding; When that happens, once the person feels understood, it may be easier to pretend the other person's turn and listen to those ideas.

It is essential to remember that, in these communicative acts, do not pretend to find the truth or who is right, since both parties have their truth and their reason. In communication, one should not fall into this trap, since it leads to a dead end that increases tension, conflict and distance between the people who intend to communicate.

In addition, wanting to "be right" reduces communication to an excessively simplified situation, in a kind of battle that would leave a winning party and a losing party, when the important thing is that both parties understand each other and reach a solution, or common consensus. What is the same, in the case that someone wins and someone loses, ideas and capacities are subtracted, the case that we propose, expand the possibilities and seek to share the well-being generated by consensus and understanding mutual.

Therefore, it is also a question of emotional profitability, to feel that there is a common interest so that the people who are in that dialogue can reach a point of shared and joint well-being. I want you to feel good and you are looking for the same thing, which will satisfy both people and will leave the feeling that we take care of each other, instead of trying to be above (which implies that there is someone below).

To do?

To achieve this idea you have to take great care of the words that are used; and the forms, how important are the forms. There are a multitude of assertive taglines that help in choosing those conciliatory and non-aggressive words: "In my opinion ...", "as I see it ...", "from my point of view ...", "I think ...", "I understand what you say and also... . "," I would like you to also take into account... ".

One of the aspects that these taglines have in common is that they do not cancel the part of the other person, do not destroy and disparage different ideas or points of view that do not coincide.

It may seem very simple to remember how important it is to avoid using the expression "but" just before presenting your own idea, since that conjunction eliminates the value of the phrase that was pronounced just before, example: "Your opinion seems good to me, but ..." (it is equivalent to saying that I do not think well). It may seem somewhat forced within the close, spontaneous and trusting relationship of the couple relationship, but it is important that correct words are maintained and that they do not question the mutual respect essential in effective and respectful communication.

In short, it is not enough to say "if you already know how I am", it is not enough to refer to what has been always given in the field of communication, you have to take care of what you want to express and the way in which do it.