Fear of commitment: people who fear formal love

The psychology of personal relationships is one of the most confusing facets of our behavior. For example, it is the case that people who learn to fully enjoy each other's company suddenly drift apart.

Not because the personality of one of them changed overnight, or because of anything someone said or did; simply because of something called fear of commitment.

This fear about the future is one of the types of fear that is not produced by a type of animal or by a situation that puts physical integrity is in danger, but rather they have to do with the anguish produced by the anticipation of an experience not desired.

What is the fear of commitment?

The fear of commitment is the more or less irrational fear of a situation that has not occurred and that has to do withn limiting one's own freedom as a sacrifice to be made to form a bond with another person.

Many times we link the fear of commitment to the world of relationships, but it can really appear anywhere. situation in which the possibility of being tied up in a formal or informal relationship that demands too much of us.

The fundamental belief on which this state of mind is based is relatively simple: being able to choose between several options, Even if that implies instability, it is preferable to drawing up a pact or a commitment that limits our freedom of expression. motion.

However, The fear of commitment can be understood by addressing the different pillars on which it is based. They are the following.

1. A marked individualism

The way of thinking of people prone to fear of commitment is basically individualistic, in the most neutral sense of the word possible. They don't have to be selfish or egocentric; they simply value individual needs first, and not so much the collective ones. That is why they will hardly show enthusiasm and their own initiative for a joint project that is starting; In any case, they will stare curiously.

The same happens with relationships; the fear of commitment means that the possibility of having a romantic relationship is interpreted, among other things, as a way of diluting one's own identity and sacrificing time and effort. The couple is not thought of as a unit, but as the sum of two parts.

• Related article: “The differences between narcissism and egocentrism”

2. Pessimism when assessing the future

People who show a constant and systematic fear of commitment tend to believe that each of the future options that are extended before his eyes are destined to be a bad experience in which the costs and sacrifices that must be made will not be compensated by the advantages. The problem is not so much that a specific compromise is accepted, but that it is rejected in advance to embrace any commitment that limits one's freedom in the future.

3. dichotomous thinking

People with a fear of commitment see decisions that have to do with reciprocity and agreements as a matter of all or nothing: or it fits into a framework of relationships that the other person imposes on us, or it is not accepted. There is little thought of the possibility of negotiating where responsibilities begin and where they end, and obligations of each one, and it does not even cross the mind that this commitment can be adapted to the needs of oneself.

That is why, sometimes, running away when a hint of commitment appears in the future causes confusion and discomfort, if not damage to one's self-esteem. Many times it is understood that it has not been that fictitious idea of ​​what commitment implies that has produced fear in the other, but rather oneself, the person's own characteristics.

What to do in the face of this type of fear?

In the world of business and formal relationships, the fear of commitment can be reasonably well-founded if it occurs promptly; After all, it may be a sign that the deal offered was simply good. What is worrying is that the fear of commitment spreads to all facets of life, including love and affective life, and systematically and constantly for a long time.

In these cases, couples therapy can be a highly recommended solution, since through mediation it is possible to reach very interesting and, at the same time, modify the person's belief schemes to make them not have so many prejudices about what it implies to assume that commitment.

Other interesting options are Cognitive Behavioral Therapies, aimed at helping the person modify their own way of thinking in favor of a more adaptive one. This often means, among other things, adopting a less individualistic mindset, one that is capable of valuing those experiences that are only they can live intensely if they are understood as the product of two people who establish a relationship whose product is more than the sum of their components.