Couple breakups on vacation: how to manage or avoid them?

A major change in routine, such as a vacation, a move, a change of job or city, can cause a real psychological and emotional staggering. In the case of breakups on vacation It is an experience that we have heard about for many years. Why are vacation breakups so common? Is it something we can avoid or manage?

A relationship is always a difficult experience. It is a bond where we experience union, well-being, but also our greatest difficulties flow, such as insecurities, fears, self-esteem problems or frustration. In the couple everything is usually maximized, which is why these difficulties emerge.

In this article we are going to delve into why couple breakups occur so frequently on vacation, but above all we are going to delve into why these difficulties arise in a psychological and emotional sense and how to solve them through your own change and personal learning, since this is what will help you to solve what happens now and also in the future. future.

Everything we are going to see is based on direct experience accompanying people in their therapy and personal change processes. Let's go for it.

Common causes of breakups

Although we usually think that relationship problems are related to what happens in the couple, in reality the key is how we understand and manage what we feel as a couple.

A relationship is a link where we cannot control what happens (since it is made up of two different people). Couple difficulties are actually personal and are exposed as a couple. When the holidays arrive, it is such an important change in routine that there is a distance or, on the contrary, an exposure that increases the intensity of the usual difficulties.

These are the most important:

1. affective dependence

When in a relationship we tend to lose our routines, priorities and decisions to adapt to the other, we end up feeling insecurity and discomfort. It is normal that in a relationship we dissolve in the experience, but over time we need to build our own space and not lose our emotional independence.

This usually happens to us when we don't know how to manage certain fears and insecurities well, when we don't set limits or communicate assertively enough.

Affective dependence means that your well-being depends too much on what happens outside or on how the other behaves. When we share a lot of time with our partner and this problem exists, it ends up generating more discomfort, and over time, it seems that the end of the relationship is the only possible way out.

However, the key is to solve this problem in one. Affective independence means that your well-being depends mainly on you, and that your approach to a relationship is to share that well-being.

• Related article: "Emotional dependence: the pathological addiction to your sentimental partner"

2. Management of emotions (what we feel as a couple)

When we feel too much anger, frustration, insecurity or discouragement, the cause is not what happens, but the way in which we understand and manage those emotions. Feeling insecurity and uncertainty in the face of relationships and experiences that we do not control is normal. But managing it in a functional way helps us to reduce the problem.

On the contrary, when we have a previous difficulty managing our emotions, all this problem becomes more intense in a relationship or in a breakup.

3. relationship approach

If the focus of the relationship consists of seeking in the other the well-being that we lack, or trying to validate the affection that is felt, we end up by living in a spiral of dependency, expectations and demands.

It is important to discover what is the value that you give to your relationship, what are you looking for from that experience and what are the limits (what is up to you and what is not).

• You may be interested in: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

4. Communication

In turn, having difficulties expressing yourself assertively (saying what you want, what you don't want, what you can or can't) or communicate too imperative or demanding cause problems in relationships, since it makes you depend more on external factors that you cannot check.

On vacation, after a break or when relationship problems are experienced on a daily basis, these difficulties intensify and they get too nasty. Let's see how we can solve them.

• Related article: "The 12 basic communication skills"

Work on your personal change to avoid or manage possible breakups

When I accompany a person in a process of change as a psychologist and coach, one of the most common reasons for needing help is relationship problems, breaks or breakups. Throughout this process we make discoveries, learn and apply changes that help you live with more well-being in a stable way. Sometimes in these processes we have to learn to manage a rupture, and in others, the rupture does not occur.

It is important to understand that a breakup is not a negative experience, but an unpleasant one, which also helps us learn and grow. The main objective should not be to work on the relationship, but to work and deepen yourself. This makes the experience better, whether it breaks or not (this is something we can't control, since it depends on someone else).

These are some of the key learnings that we must do to face this essential learning.

1. Assertive approach (with limits)

A relationship, as well as any type of relationship, is lived in a positive way when there are limits. Limits imply acceptance, respect, honesty, and above all a focus on building your own well-being.

The couple is an experience to share well-being, not to demand it (if we do this, expectations arise that are not met, since they are based on fears and insecurities that are validated).

When we develop our acceptance, assertiveness, and your focus returns to what you can do to be well, everything begins to change. We achieve this by applying very specific different actions, which in the case of each person can be totally different.

2. Revalue the relationship

A moment of crisis is always appropriate to take a break from what we feel and believe and revalue the relationship. What does this relationship mean to you? How are you approaching it? How could it be different?

3. functional self-esteem

Self-esteem is not high or low (I usually say that talking about high or low is a mistake that psychologists have made), but it works for you or not in relation to if your well-being depends mainly on you or you are conditioned by more external factors that you cannot control.

Building a functional and stable self-esteem depends on us delving into how you build it now and applying concrete changes.

4. understand what we feel

Finally, emotions are the greatest guide for our behavior, way of relating, decisions and interpretations of what is happening. When we learn to manage them, they have the right and necessary degree, we can make more conscious decisions and from peace and trust.

Keys for the change process to work

All change and improvement is in one, but the company also gives us security and certainty. For a process of change or therapy to work, even more so if it arises through a relationship problem, we need to have several guarantees.

The first, and the one that seems most important to me, is to live a process with constant company and not just with eventual sessions. When you experience difficulties of this type, the problem occurs every day. For this reason my way of accompanying is daily, for any question or need you have. In this way, you will feel support whenever you need it.

In addition, we will delve into all areas of your personality and we will have more tools and sessions so that your well-being depends on you and improves, not only your possible relationship, but above all your relationship with you.

If it is what you want, remember to visit Human Empowerment to request a first session. In this session we get to know each other, we see what happens and how we can solve it.