Infidelity in happy couples, is it possible?

To answer this question, Esther Perel reflects on the coexistence of a possible adventure that is always close to all kinds of couples, even the ones that work well.

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Infidelity in happy couples, is it possible?

We live in times in which it could be said that we are rained with opportunities to succumb to infidelity and the psychotherapist Esther Perel is often asked what is the percentage of people who are unfaithful to their partner. Masterfully she answers with another question: What would you consider to be infidelity?

And it is that depending on what it represents for the person in question (sexting, dating apps, watching porn ...) it could vary between 25 and 75% of those who have a stable partner.

However, as the subjective vision of one and the other can blur the limits, Perel considers necessary the existence of three elements to consider that an infidelity is being committed.

The three elements of infidelity

According to the psychotherapist, to talk about infidelity, three circumstances should occur at the same time:

• A secret relationship
• Create an emotional connection
• That there is sexual chemistry between the two

And regarding the key element, this would be chemistry, in which just imagining a kiss with that person would equate to the intensity of having sex for hours.

Perel conjectures about the reason that leads one or the other to be unfaithful, finding that generally men would succumb to a mixture of boredom and fear of intimacy while women would crave the latter while loneliness also pushes them.

Paradigm shift in stable relationships

Decades and centuries ago, Esther Perel emphasizes, infidelity threatened our economic security, since marriage was considered something of a business.

Consider that monogamy was implanted (although it was imposed only on women) to assure men that the children of his wife were his. However, we are living the times in human history when the higher the cost of a affair.

And what do we owe this for? Well, neither more nor less than the reasons why we decided to share our life with someone have changed: By conceiving today the marriage as a romantic agreement between two people, infidelity would threaten another type of stability that affects us a lot: the emotional. And it is that when a deception of these characteristics comes to light, lives and couples are destroyed.

Two views of infidelity: the betrayer and the betrayed

When the question arises as to whether infidelity is possible in happy couples, we would speak of a kind of abyss that always exists although we ignore it, but eternally connected to curiosity human.

It may be that we ignore his call for decades while we are together with that person with whom we feel good and with whom we have built a satisfactory relationship. But it is enough that one day one of the two peers into that abyss, driven by curiosity, and succumbs to it. How would something like this affect each of the members of the couple?

For the betrayed person, it is the shaking of the foundations of the world that he has created with his partner: he is for her her lover, her companion, her best friend, her confidant, and she stands as the chosen one, the irreplaceable, the one. Then comes the betrayal, the infidelity, which somehow tells him "you are no longer" the one for him). His outlook on life changes completely and confidence in general goes into crisis.

For his part, the betrayer, what was he looking for? A affair it is a betrayal, but also an expression of longing. A longing and yearning to connect emotionally, to feel sexual intensity, and to regain lost parts of oneself.

Because, as Perel would say, when we seek the gaze of the other, we do not always distance ourselves from our partner, but from the person we have become.

Is infidelity the end of the couple?

There will be couples for whom the discovery of the affair It is the beginning of the end, but most couples overcome that crisis; some simply survive the experience but it usually happens when infidelity occurs in happy couples rather than chaos the opportunity arises to turn their life as a couple into something wonderful, much better than what they had before uncovering the adventure.

From then on, in those cases, the deep and honest conversations that they stopped having take place, even sexually indifferent people suddenly feel more greedy. And the origin of the movement of the motor will be the fear of loss itself, which will activate the desire itself.

Proposal to heal the damage of infidelity

As we have seen, infidelity in happy couples does not have to be the end, but it requires special attention that delicate moment in which each of the components of the couple will have to assume some responsibilities, according to Esther Perel.

On the one hand, the one we would call a traitor should first acknowledge true remorse for hurting his partner, then becoming responsible for ensuring the limits that protect his partner from obsession.

On his part, the betrayed has the essential mission of recovering his damaged self-esteem, with which try to surround yourself with the love of yours and enjoying doing rewarding things that make you reconnect with your identity will be of vital importance to achieve it.

Yes, she will have to try to avoid investigating the morbid details that will only produce completely unnecessary nights of insomnia and extra suffering. But in his right to be able to inquire into the origin of the situation that is conditioning his emotional stability, he could inquire into the meaning that this has had. affair in your partner, in how you felt... which can be the key to reflect on the well-being of the members of the couple.

The key to not succumbing to infidelity in happy couples

Faced with the question that Esther Perel is often asked about if you are in favor of infidelities in the couple and if he would recommend them, the psychotherapist answers emphatically: no and no, respectively. But he remembers that if it happens, it doesn't have to mean the end.

He reminds us that the reasons for committing an infidelity do not have so much to do with sex as with desire: perhaps you want to receive attention, be special to someone, feeling important again... And the fact of not having the lover with the availability that one wishes would further enliven the desire: because what is not desired is desired. have.

And he gives us this premise to contribute the key not to succumb to a affair. Thus, Perel tells us that if people put a tenth of the passion, imagination, audacity and verve that engaged in their extramarital affairs but in their relationships, they would have no need to transgress with a infidelity.

On second thought, more than being an approach in case of imminent danger, it could be a new way of understanding caring for the relationships that matter to us. Because, why wait for things to go wrong to contribute what could make us happier?