The therapeutic process in relation to infidelity

The appearance of an external relationship to the couple, which we identify as infidelity, is usually associated with an accumulation of reactions and sufferings in the different actors present in the conflict.

Currently, in our society the concept of infidelity has tended to be somewhat trivial: nothing lasts, everything revolves around “programmed obsolescence”, the light and circumstantial.

However, despite the freedom to continue or not in a relationship, we continue to look for the ideal partner, who will last us forever and whom we can trust to the utmost. What can be done, in therapy, in case of infidelity?

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What we call infidelity

Although, traditionally, we have placed the label of infidelity in those external relationships that involve sex, what would really identify it is the concept of betrayal, concealment and violation of the covenants provided in the couple. For example, Hall and Fincham (2006) speak of infidelity as “a sexual, romantic or emotional relationship that violates the exclusive commitment to the couple relationship”.

However, for someone to break the commitment we talked about, a process of emotional or psychological separation has had to occur in advance. The concealment of dissatisfaction or emotional discomfort, which has to do with the unfaithful person's own experience and which is not necessarily attributable to the couple's relationship.

Infidelity involves lying to the official member and, also and very often, to the third person in the triangle, since the most difficult thing is to give up “everything”.

The fear of loneliness, rejection, emptiness… Lead to denial behavior and consummate lies that disorient the couple and allow them to continue to avoid conflict.

When a couple comes to therapy with open conflict over an issue of infidelity, it is common to see how the unfaithful partner raises a deterioration or an unfathomable crisis in the relationship as the cause of his behaviour. That is, it justifies its concealment, possibly discovered by the couple recently, and It legitimizes it due to the suffering inherent to the lack of communication, misunderstanding or progressive disengagement.

However, it is entirely inconsistent to blame the victim of the infidelity.

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What does infidelity mean

The implications of infidelity are as follows:

• Unilateral rupture of the pact that was agreed upon in its day.
• Conscious and purposeful deception.
• Betrayal of loyalty.
• Failing to compromise.

The Fidelity it has to do with confidence, not sexuality. With commitment, loyalty, perseverance and consistency. And, fundamentally, with the word given.

What is being considered, really, is an unequal relationship where the loving person adapts to what the unfaithful can offer, accepting the lie in which she embarks and, on the other hand, the official-victim couple cannot decide anything by not knowing the situation (at the expense of any possible decision, at any time, by the couple unfaithful).

Consequences of infidelity on people

These are the different ways in which infidelity psychologically affects the people involved.

In the ‘unfaithful’

Inhibition (both in decision-making and in action (, of the unfaithful person leads to tremendous personal dissatisfaction from someone who does not dare to confront conflict or insecurity internal. You will have less and less ability to cope with the different situations that make you feel unhappy.

We meet, in many cases, with an avoidant person (with avoidant insecure attachment, of which he spoke Bowlby, typical of people who disconnect from their negative emotions, do not recognize his anguish, do not ask help). He alienates himself, he dissociates himself. In his eagerness to keep all the advantages to himself, to keep the system in an unaltered structure... lies, manipulates, misinforms, etc.

We meet someone who, possibly, in his flight from the existential emptiness, He seeks in infidelity the excitement that allows him not to feel the anguish nor the increase of a vital depression.

If, finally, you lose both the official partner and the loving person, it can lead to that depression that you avoided so much. And he is going to be victimized by the variation of a status quo that brought considerable emotional advantage.

In the 'lover'

The loving person becomes an accessory to the lie. Despite the precariousness of her situation, she agrees to hide the established bond. Dissociation, cognitive distortion, envy, vanity... the lack of empathy with the deceived victim appears... In addition, It is believed in the victimizing arguments of the unfaithful person, who blame the official partner for the vital discomfort and conjugal.

In addition, it does not have official recognition, lives in the shade... condemned to loneliness and the inability to live a full relationship. She is also a deceived person and forced to live an elusive and asymmetric relationship.

There is an emotional distance that causes a lot of suffering and the presence of constant doubt in the face of a promise that is never realized.

In the ‘victim’

When the official couple discovers the infidelity, see how everything that was insured is suddenly swept away. We find the typical effects of post-traumatic stress, which paralyze the life of the subject in a profound way: sleep disturbances, high irritability, hypervigilance, nervous reactions, scares ...

The rumination of the deceived person, on what has happened, get to interfere in his daily functioning. The trauma prevents it from being difficult for the moment to trust someone again, and the fear of life experimentation appears.

Violent behavior may appear against the partner or the other person, or the search for separation immediately, seeking to avoid the suffering resulting from disloyalty. An obsessive reaction may also appear to find the assurance that the external relationship has ended: obsessive questions about what has happened and / or aggressive communication. We are in the middle of the grieving process: anger, anxiety, depression ...

When it is decided to maintain the official relationship

How to face reconstruction

Despite the anger, disappointment, suffering... many couples, victims of infidelity, try to give themselves the opportunity to stay together. For this, attending couples therapy can help to build a work structure that allows to consolidate what is still standing. It is maintained that it is possible to recover the relationship, unless one of the two members does not want to and that, therefore, do not cooperate, or that the damage suffered is so great that the victim cannot hold it up.

Of course, regardless of attending a therapist, mediator, qualified professional, or a job personal... couples have to manage a series of points from which to start to get up from the collapse.

In the first place, extramarital affairs are not a consequence of problems in the couple, but infidelity deteriorates the couple's relationship. We cannot justify disloyalty because of the problems present in the relationship. At any time, the person could have raised the discomfort with their partner, asked for help, or separated. In addition, it is not justified that the habitual contact with the loving person persists.

Second, the unfaithful person has to know that the reactions of his partner are a consequence of the unfair and deceptive behavior that she maintained with her. The victim's behavior does not correspond to rare reactions, they are understandable and can be extended over time.

The emotions felt by the betrayed derive from the damage perpetrated to the bond (this bond is similar to that of children with their parents, the secure base from which to explore the world). Security has been lost, the betrayed person believes that he can no longer expect anything solid from relationships: yes the person she trusted the most has hurt her... the feeling is that she may be in danger with anyone else. The unfaithful has to know that he has produced a trauma to his partner, it is not about pathological reactions.

In addition, it is essential that the disloyal person tell and narrate (it is not about explaining or justifying what happened). The victim needs to understand: a coherent narrative that makes sense, that fits. You cannot continue to lie, neither in the details nor in the facts. Continuing to hide causes even more damage: the couple cannot heal their suffering.

Thus, the unfaithful person must tell the real story: what got him involved in the adventure will prevent other possible adventures. The victim needs to have strong reasons to think that it will not happen again, she wants to know details of the affair. The more knowledge people have about themselves, more trust can be rebuilt through increased credibility. Counting includes the way she had to hide and the people involved, that is... the strategies that she developed to live the experience in a sneaky way.

On the other hand, the victim person will have to prepare to listen to the other, emotional deactivation is necessary. Understanding your anger will allow you to discourage a reactivity that can be dangerous.

Finally, you have to prevent both of them from hurting each other, setting limits and giving guidelines to regulate behavior between them:

• How much time can you spend together.
• If they are going to sleep together and / or have sex.
• What information will be given to children, families of origin or friends.

The betrayed person will have to accept suffering to prevent destructive emotional escalation. Opening up to feeling your emotions, without defending yourself against them, will allow you to continue with what matters.

Reconciliation process

Whether they decide to continue together or if they are going to break up, forgiveness between the members of the couple is necessary. Forgiving and asking for forgiveness can be given separately. The offended person can forgive without the offending person being sorry or asking for forgiveness. And also find that repentance and the request for forgiveness does not imply the delivery of it by the victim.

If in the end they separate, it is important to close the stage before moving on to the next: breaking up to flee the conflict or to go with the loving person does not usually give good results (people take the problems to the next relationship).

What's more, it is necessary to make pacts:

• Do not hurt yourself more: you have to make clear the limits of the intolerable (betrayal, lies, verbal abuse ...).
• Total honesty
• Emphasize assertiveness, partner roles, and communication.

The work, in the end, is based on the truth, on the resolution of ambivalence, in repairing the damage, in managing symptoms and building a new relationship. It is the unfaithful person who has to repair the links that have been damaged, she is the best positioned for it. But it will depend on the following variables to achieve a greater speed in the improvement and in the success in the reconstruction of the couple:

• Empathy
• Understanding
• Patience
• Willpower
• Responsibility
• Commitment

The cheater's strategies of avoiding talking and refusing to answer indicate a limited commitment to rebuilding the couple. The non-admission of the seriousness of what has happened shows the refusal to assume responsibility for the completed acts. Speaking is difficult but completely necessary, just as it is necessary to evolve from hostility and damage towards a cordial environment, and favorable to exchange, on the part of the victim.

Finally, Sternberg suggests that love is based on commitment, passion, and intimacy.

• Passion will improve with openness to desire and sexual relationships.
• The commitment, which is one of the parts most damaged by infidelity, will be remade through the effort that the two of you are making to stay together.
• Intimacy, damaged by secrecy and lies, will heal with self-disclosure behavior that shows us in all our vulnerability. In other contexts, this manifestation of guilt would be used for the accusation and application of the pertinent punishment, but in the context of the couple, a response of acceptance and recognition of sadness and shame will allow us to share that weakness and increase and open up to intimacy lost.

Bibliographic references:

• Hall, J. H. & Fincham, F. D. (2006). Relationship dissolution following infidelity: The roles of attributions and forgiveness. Journal of Social & Clinical Psychology, 25, 508-522
• Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of Iove. Psychological Review, 93, 2, 119-136.
• Jauregui Balenciaga, MI (2018). Hidden Portraits. Psychology of Infidelity. Ed. Red Circle.
• Garcia Higuera. The recovery of the couple after the infidelity. https://www.cop.es/colegiados/m-00451/infidelidad.html.